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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

about party invitations to SN children my son doesn't know

31 replies

chicletteeth · 25/10/2011 21:09

Ok, this is odd, I know it is and I will try to explain myself carefully because I in no way want to be taken out of context on this at all.

My son has recently started a new school, a primary. This is different to his old school in many ways, firstly because his last school was an infant school rather than a primary and because it also had an excellent, oversubscribed SENCO unit within the school, whereas this current one doesn't.

His last school was fabulous, just brilliant in the way it was run. I felt, still feel, it is very important to DSs general life experiences that he is aware of people with disabilities and the level of compassion he has shown from day 1 in reception, towards what are some very sick children makes me so proud.
In his old school, depending on the level of needs of the children in the SENCO unit, they either did or didn't join in with mainstream classes depending on capabilities, but in every other area was a very inclusive school and the children knew each other and played together alike. One of my sons best friends suffers severe global delay and has a lot of trouble socially and with learning but they became friends at this school and still remain so despite us having moved.

So onto new school, he is having a party and this school doesn't have a SENCO unit but does have several children with moderate learning difficulties as well as physical disabilities that attend school. My son is not friends with any of these children yet simply because he doesn't know them/hasn't met them.

A mother of one of the little boys with learning difficulties has found out that my DS is having a party and directly asked me why her DS was not invited? This little boy is in he same year, but in a different class and he is not the only one that has not been invited (out of the year), there are only 10 children coming to his party in total.

I tried to explain all of this to the mother (who I have never spoken with before) and she got very upset and said something along the lines of her DS doesn't get invited anywhere because of his disabilities and even the new boy (my DS) hasn't done so.

I feel so Sad for both the DS and the mum who was quite upset about it, but my DS doesn't know him. Only by name and they've never even played together, and loads of other children aren't invited either.

I don't know what to do about this. What shall I do? As from my earlier details, its very obviously got sod all to do with the fact that this boy is disabled and I know she's upset but I feel quite miffed about the implication that he's not been invited because of his disabilities, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Genuinely confused and feeling bad and really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 25/10/2011 21:46

How did the other mum know that your son was having a party?

Are you sure your son doesnt play with this child at school, and perhaps the other little boy has read more into the friendship?

I feel sorry for the mum (not your fault at all) that maybe her little boy gets left out all the time.

ragged · 25/10/2011 21:48

It wasn't me, honest! [hwink].
You're a good person, OP. It can be very isolating having a child with SN, makes you over-defensive about their interests, so hopefully she'll appreciate your efforts.

Friendlymum67 · 25/10/2011 21:50

Chicletteeth - just wanted to say I know how you feel - I had a very similar problem a few weeks ago which I posted about on here (my thread here -
your DD wasn't invited to a party would you ask the mum (in the playground) why not?! Got a feeling the link won't work and I don't know why - sorry! Confused

It was a horrible position to be put in -especially as the other mum was much more assertive than me!!

chicletteeth · 25/10/2011 21:54

I don't know how she knows. Perhaps she saw him giving his invitations out?
My son knows of this boy, but says he has never played with him.
I asked him if the little boy plays with anybody and he says he sees him sometimes on the playground.

I too feel sorry for the mum. I see my cousins mum and the reaction he gets from other kids for having downs syndrome and the fact that she knows my boys get loads of party invitations and that he gets none and it makes me Sad Sad Sad

Thing is, and I'm sure most kids don't think twice about disabilities when they're so young, my son is so aware of them due to his family and the ethods at his old school that there is no way he would exclude him if the were friends.

OP posts:
chicletteeth · 25/10/2011 21:57

friendlymummy the link doesn't work.
I'd like to have a look if you wouldn't mind posting it again

OP posts:
TheTimeTravellersWife · 25/10/2011 22:03

I am the parent of a child with SN in a mainstream school. Sometimes she gets invited to parties; sometimes she doesn't depending on who's party it is and how well she knows them. I wouldn't dream of asking another Mums why she wasn't invited, although I do sometimes feel sad if I see invites handed out & she doesn't get one. As the other poster said it can be lonely and isolating as a parent of a child with SN in mainstream and it can make some people over sensitive. If your DS doesn't know the other child, then that is the reason that he wasn't invited, not because he has SN.
HTH
PS With DD it is BOGOF at parties- as although she is nearly 9 years old, I always have to stay with her!

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