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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy Dh anything for his birthday?

47 replies

onlygirl · 24/10/2011 21:47

Or for christmas. He will be turning 30 this year so I have asked if there is anything he would like.
He has said there is nothing he wants or needs, I suggested we go somewhere but no he doesn't want to do that either.
We go through this every year re christmas but I thought as he is going to be 30 aswell he would want to do something different.
I got a text this morning "I'm sick of you nagging about b/day and christmas. I'm not bothered about either spend your money on the children."
Shall I do it? not get him anything at all?

OP posts:

recall · 25/10/2011 02:15

Give him a BJ

Cheap and may shut cheer him up, and he will definitely like it

GohWee · 25/10/2011 02:31

It is a horrible text to receive - there are much nicer ways to say things (grumpy bugger). However Mr GohWee and I haven't given each other xmas presents for years. Mr GW does buy me presents when I'm not expecting them though and likewise me for him.

iscream · 25/10/2011 06:25

Don't get him anything. Perhaps bake a cake and give cards from you and the kids. I would not get him anything, it sounds like he means it when he says he doesn't want anything.

MoaninMinny · 25/10/2011 09:22

I think the best gift you could give him is to listen to what he says

this ^^

Ephiny · 25/10/2011 12:11

DP suggested I bake him a nice cake this year, he doesn't often get home-made cake and he thinks it'll be special and lovely (though he may be over-estimating my baking skills here :)). He doesn't really need/want more stuff.

However if he'd sent me a text like the one in your OP, I wouldn't feel much like bothering at all!

Katisha · 25/10/2011 12:15

Get him nothing then.

But he needs to understand that you would feel hurt if he cant be bothered to get you or the DCs anything.

Has he got a difficult present-buying culture in his family? Dh has. MIL is a total nightmare wrt presents and sees them as some sort of tedious business transaction.

springydaffs · 25/10/2011 12:20

I have a friend who re-wraps presents to her DH (not so dear, actually) as he is ostentatiously polite when he opens them, then puts them away never to be seen again. So she digs them out and re-wraps them.

your DH is a miserable git imo. What's with the 'sick' of being asked what he'd like?

StaceymAloneForver · 25/10/2011 12:28

i have never bought dp a xmas or bday present as i've never found anything he would like and i coudl afford, this year i found something so although we said no presents' he's getting one wether he likes it or not :o

if i had no idea nad he said 'get nothing' i would get nothing :o

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 25/10/2011 12:28

If someone just said there wasn't anything they wanted or needed - I'd try really hard to think of something to surprise them.

However, a text like that would guarantee that his birthday would pass without even so much as a Happy Birthday from me. Rude, nasty git.

LydiaWickham · 25/10/2011 12:31

See, it depends what you ahve been like, have you been nagging him and turning what should be a fun thing for him (yay! pressies for birthday and christmas) into a chore? Are you sucking the fun out of this?

As others have said, perhaps it's that anything you will get him would be in his price range to get himself, so if he tells you want to get him, it's not very special at all?

You know him, what would he want/need? Don't rely on him telling you as he obviously hates that. Not helpful now, but in the future, could you start an 'ideas list' for him - I e-mail myself every now and then when i see something I think DH or someone else I know would like, even though it's 6 months to their birthdays so I've got some ideas if they say "don't know". Of course, DH has ruined this great plan this year by requesting some new boots, which as he has to try on and going shopping together is tricky with a toddler has lead to him going buying them, me giving him the money back. Not very exciting at all...

What does he like? Is there a particular chocolate/treat he likes? (DH is partial to white toblerone, it's hard to find outside of christmas season, is always impressed if I've found some at his birthday)

For a 30th, something special and keepsake like - what's your budget? How about some nice cufflinks? A really nice pen? What about a new wallet? (Men rarely notice how falling apart their wallets are). Could you get grandparents to look after the DCs and treat him to dinner and then staying over in a nice hotel?

Get him something to show you've thought about him, not just bought the random thing he asked for.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/10/2011 12:32

Agree with the posters who say that you shouldn't really need to ask him what he would like. If you put some thought into it, a token thing like... I don't know - a Clangers charity pin (he loves Clangers) would raise a smile.

If you have children though, it's essential that he's kind and gracious to what they might like to do for his birthday. I have a father who used to say, "Good behaviour" when asked what he would like. He lives alone and we don't visit. I send a birthday card and ring occasionally... that's what he's earned with his grumpiness. You can't do that with children, not ever.

Pancakeflipper · 25/10/2011 12:34

I wouldn't get him a pressie. I would have a birthday party - you, him ( cheery old birthday boy) and the kids. You and the kids make hats and prepare games and hopefully Mr GrumpyPants will enjoy it. Let the kids get him a gift as a gesture.

LydiaWickham · 25/10/2011 12:34

BTW - this can be a family thing, some families have lists of what they want and expect you to get off the list like it's a wedding list, for others it's always a complete surprise, it's hard if you've had one way to comprehend the other and see the other side as either being 'difficult' (you seeing DH this way) or 'unthoughtful' if asking for list or 'grabby' if giving a list (could be how DH sees you).

Does his family ask or do they just turn up with surprises?

CurrySpice · 25/10/2011 12:35

He doesn't want to go away. Anywhere? In the whole wide world? Even to a nice hotel for the night?

He sounds a miserable fucker very modest bloke

Pollykitten · 25/10/2011 12:55

Get him an awesome gadget, like a pressure washer (honestly, men loves these) and yourself a fantastic day out with a friend. Don't discuss any of it, just get him something nice, give yourself a good time and don't EVER ask if he liked it / wished he had come with you. He needs smartening up, but in a clever way!

LydiaWickham · 25/10/2011 13:34

Actually, if you don't have one, buy a wii. even if he doesn't appriciate it, the DCs will.

SunRaysthruClouds · 25/10/2011 14:50

He doesn't want nothing, that's rubbish. He wants you just think a little - buy him a small something.

I agree with the idea of a gadget - try a chainsaw!

quornsausages · 25/10/2011 16:43

DH and I never buy each other anything for birthdays, Christmas or any other occasion. I think it's because our birthdays are one day apart and we usually just go away for a treat or go for a lovely daytrip somewhere. I remember the trips better than some random present iyswim.

I think the only thing we've got for each other in recent years are homemade fathers/ mothers day card from DD.

That sounds horrible, but it really isn't - we've been together 14 years and still loved up, just always been crap at buying gifts and feel that cards are a waste of money.

Original poster

onlygirl · 25/10/2011 21:21

He's like this every year and I would normally get him something, I just thought this year maybe I won't get anything.
He is known for being a grump btw but does buy for me and the dc.
My mum has suggested I get him something but not give it until later in the day so he thinks he has nothing

OP posts:

imgonnaliveforever · 26/10/2011 07:40

My DH and I often don't end up doing presents, though usually get each other a token. Could you arrange a surprise meal/day out which he'd really enjoy but not think to ask for?

Shutupanddrive · 26/10/2011 07:47

Just get him a card and cook him his favourite meal?

funnyperson · 26/10/2011 09:25

A person who writes a text like that is feeling unloved and is worried about money and wants a family celebration not an expensive night out. I suggest you cook his favourite meal, with candles, and the children, and cake and get the DC to make him cards and they need to get him something small each and if possible have a 'family outing' at the weekend to a nice national trust place which could then become a traditional yearly birthday outing.
It sounds to me that your DH isn't into a mini break away or a night out with you or an expensive present from you he just wants a lovely family day.

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