Would you expect your ex to tell you if he was out if the country

[akaemwahahahafrost]

If you had small kids, one with SN and you apparently "joint parent" those children?

Same situation with one my two having SN. but a definite NO to your question. After 8 years, I find it best to expect nothing. ex-H travels all the time anyway, so I'd get fed up if I had to keep up with his business schedule. He is utterley useless in any kind of emergency, so although I list him on school numbers etc, I alway give my sister's mobile for the "additional contact in case of emergency" option.

my xH failed to tell me that he has moved to Afghanistan to take a permanent job there????
Tbh he is welcome to stay there forever, but when I eventually spoke to him he said it was to avoid paying maintainance

Wow, he sounds like a real star humpty! Thats a desperate to avoid his responsibilites man indeed who would move somewhere like that to avoid looking after HIS kids. What an arse.

akaemwahahahafros he is what is officially known as a class A wanker!!!

On the plus side, I don't have to worry about him showing up at my door, but wtf do you explain to the kids???

Last time I spoke to him he says he is considering moving to Manilla???

People of the Phillipines, beware!!!

I wouldn't expect my ex to tell me she's going away during her own time unless she wanted to change the agreed routine or take the kids.

The kids live with me yet I don't tell my ex when I travel abroad on business. It's none of her business.

When we book a holiday with the kids, we let each other know out of courtesy and double check the dates in case of a clash.

I think often it's just a matter of control and nosiness rather than any real need to know. And the whole "What if there's an emergency" is just a smoke screen.

but if you have a poorly child niceguy and something happens and you can't contact the other parent to let them know that is a problem

Well firstly phones now work abroad. So he's still contactable. Yes I guess he could be out of coverage for a bit but hey, that happens in the UK too. There are certain areas I can't get a signal either.

So let's say your child is ill, a virus say. Firstly would you really call up about that? Even if you would, what's he supposed to do about that?

Let's say your child's arm fell off. Then you'd call right? Well he can still at that point hightail it back to the UK. Besides which, you as the other parent should be in hospital, able to make any key decisions and talk on the phone.

My point is that just because he's out of the country doesn't mean he's unable to be reachable. So why does he NEED to let you know? There isn't a real reason.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like OP is more interested in whom he's going away with more than any real concerns over her children's welfare.

ok i wasnt talking of a virus, in my experience i phoned my xh when my daughter had a meningitus rash, he was out of the country on a different mobile number which he had previously let me know, if he hadnt let me know i couldnt have contacted him (other than leaving a message which he would have picked up a week later when he returned to the uk) and he wouldnt have been able to get on a plane back to the uk and be with his daughter in hospital.

i think it is a good idea to let a other parent of your children know if you are likely to be a considerable distance away. if my xh has the kids and i go to scotland (from surrey) i let him know, let alone abroad

Stacey, even if one of my DCs were poorly (as of course they have been) I wouldn't expect my ex-H to fly back from wherever he was unless it was an absolute life of death emergency. I'd let him know that they had a cold, chicken pox, a bad fall off their bike or even broken their arm - but I wouldn't expect him to hightail it back to the UK for those kind of things. Even when we were still married, I didn't.

Stacey, I think we need to be clear about the difference.

Do I think a parent should always make sure the other parent can contact them in case of an emergency? Yes.

Do I think a parent needs to know where the other parent is? No.

In your case you could call your XH and he did let you know the other number which is entirely sensible and proper.

But in OP's case, there's no mention of the fact she cannot get in touch with him. Only mention of the fact he's probably away with someone else.

So if OP's ex isn't contactable by phone (excepting any signal issues) then he is being unreasonable.

If he's got his phone with him then she is being unreasonable.

i think we agree niceguy i was ignoring the 'with someone else' comments

But, from another point of view, my DSis and her DP went away for a weeks holiday and didn't tell his ex-P or his DC's, as every time they went away there was a major trauma, the latest culminating in the ex-P leaving the DC's at his parents, on a non-contact evening, because she wanted a night off.

Every time they arrange to go away so that it does not impact on his contact with the DC's and every time his ex-P causes a scene. One time they wanted to take the DC's with them, she refused as she would "Miss them too much" then told the DC's that their father had not wanted to take them, cue tears and loads of upset.

He pays regular maintenance, over and above what was assessed by the CSA, but the ex-P demands that he pays even more as in her words, "If he can pay for a holiday he can pay more for his DC's" This is from a woman who goes away 4 times a year herself and expects him to have the DC's as and when she chooses.

My DSis is so fed up, but as she says, it's not fair to use the DC's as weapons, which is what the ex-P seems to do all the time.

And, for clarity he had been divorced for several years before DSis met him.

modreB thats so unfair on the kids :( and as long as he is still contactable i can understand him not wanting to tell her.

only drama i've ever had is hospital related thankfully and i'd prefer it not to happen :o

Hi modreB

The problem is that he's been too nice for too long. So now your sister's DP has ended up in a situation where she says jump and he says how high.

I know we all should pick our battles but at the end of the day the ex needs to understand she's on a good thing here. A father who pays over & above the CSA amount, involved with the kids and wants to take them away on holiday with a supportive partner (your sister).

It may be too little too late but he should start standing up to her unreasonable demands. So his parents should not have taken the kids in. He should insist upon taking them on holiday. Missing them is not a valid excuse to use and she'd be laughed out of court.

If she demands more money then his response should simply be "Well let's go ask the CSA to reassess. I will pay whatever they say I am liable for.....no more, no less".

It's not about being a bastard, it's about standing up to the ex when they are being unreasonable so that they know you are not a pushover.

Yes, but the problem is that whenever they have a disagreement, or she doesn't get her own way, or she thinks that they are having a good time with someone else, she involves the kids and upsets them. I know, as I have been there with DSis, when the ex-P has called the kids and deliberately said things to upset them.

Last Xmas, (they do alternate Xmas Days) she rang up at 9am on Xmas morning and cried and wailed at the DC's down the phone as she was missing them so much. FFS they were going back to her at 6pm that night, and had only been dropped off at 6pm Xmas Eve. They have been divorced for 7 years and alternate Xmas days has been in place every year, but the first year they are DSis's then there is this massive scene.

DSis met her DP just before the previous Xmas which was the ex-P's Xmas day year, but did not meet the DC's for some time until they both knew it was a serious relationship. And she met the ex-P before meeting the DC's at the ex-P's request.

Another time, we were all away, his agreed contact weekend, first day of a family weekend trip camping (Me, DH, our DS3, DSis, her DP and his 2 DC's) and the ex-P called and told the DC's that the family dog had died. Weekend ruined, DC's distraught and there was no need for it. She could have waited for 2 sodding days for them to get home.

But then, when it suits her, like when she wants to go out and it is her weekend, expects everyone to drop their plans and have the DC's because "She deserves a break sometimes." Even though he does most of the holiday care (He works from home and can set his own hours) and 3 school pick ups a week to save her childcare costs.

The poor DC's are only 9 and 11 yo, and her DP really doesn't want to rock the boat or make a fuss that would cause an all out war which would just mean more damage to the DC's as he knows that she would involve the DC's and he does not want to be seen to bad mouth her, as she is still the DC's mum. So frustrating.