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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Dumping" a toxic friend. Do you tell them why?

27 replies

roses2 · 23/10/2011 10:07

I used to be very good friends with a woman I used to work with at my previous company, which I left in February. We used to have lunch together every day at work, go for walks when the weather was nice etc.

After I left, I sent her three emails within the space of a month asking how she was, did she want to meet up etc and I always got back short, curt replies.

Since I left the company, it hit me that it had been a completely one sided relationship. It was always about her and I just realised she never asked how I was, she didn't even congratulate me when I got the new job.

Last week she sent me an email asking why she hadn't heard from me - again a little dribble about how she was doing and nothing about how am I, how is the new job etc, how was my wedding (she was invited but didn't rsvp). I was abroad and didn't reply. The next day, she she sent another mail asking why I haven't replied. I got back yesterday so that's why.

Everytime I think about this woman now, I get really annoyed with myself for not noticing her behaviour earlier and why I put up with it so long.

I really don't want any contact with her ever again, especially given she still couldn't be bothered to ask how I was last week, I don't have space for people like that in my life. So, should I reply to her email and tell her why? Ignore it? Send her a polite mail back but ask her not to contact me again?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 23/10/2011 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnapesMistress · 23/10/2011 10:10

Just ignore her if you don't want friendship, its not like you have to see her again. *shrug

LowLevelStabbing · 23/10/2011 10:13

just let it fizzle out. no need for any drama. ignore.

IndigoSunshine · 23/10/2011 10:13

I wouldn't lay in to her, so to speak. It's probably just her natural personality, some people are plain selfish without realising the effect they can have. I would just do the same back, send a short reply saying you had been on holiday, are currently very busy and you hope she is well. Simple and doesn't necessitate a reply. She will eventually get the hint. That's what I would do anyway :)

fortyplus · 23/10/2011 10:16

Perhaps it occurred to her that she hadn't been the greatest friend to you. Working 'friendships' are odd imo - you have one huge thing in common but often nothing else. I've rarely kept up with people I worked with.

I would just respond to say something like 'Sorry I haven't been in touch - life has been so busy recently. Married life is great and I'm enjoying the new job. Glad to hear you're well. roses2'

She should get the hint - if she's sent short curt replies previously then I wouldn't bother with more than that.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/10/2011 10:21

according to this being self absorbed makes you 'toxic'

I am a bit Hmm about labeling everyone who isn't always nice as 'toxic', tbh. Like not everyone who is selfish is a 'narc' Grin

It doesn't sound like you get much out of this friendship, so let it slide. You could tell her why, if you like. But you'll probably be subjected to hundreds of abusive or upset emails. Or she may realise she's been selfish and apologise and it could repair your friendship.

I'm not really a big fan of just blanking someone until they get the message. I think it's done cos it's just easier to not have a difficult conversation, not because it's the best way to resolve a situation.

I'd probably just say that I was upset that she didn't bother to rsvp to my wedding, and that she doesn't appear to be interested in anything happening in my life, and that I don't think it is a good idea to continue a one-sided friendship and it's probably best if you go your separate ways and you wish her all the best.

Original poster
roses2 · 23/10/2011 10:23

Yeah, toxic was probably the wrong word. She wasn't nasty, just very very wrapped up in her own world. I don't think she was depressed, that's how she always was in the 4 years I knew her.

OP posts:
ItWasABoojum · 23/10/2011 10:23

I don't think it would be fair to dump and tell her why at the same time. Either do as others have suggested, let it fizzle out, or tell her how her behaviour has made you feel - but if you do that I don't think it would be right not to give her the chance to make it up to you. If she's not a close friend to start with, the former is probably the better option.

TheFidgetySheep · 23/10/2011 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

troisgarcons · 23/10/2011 10:26

Just dont reply to it - let the friendship drift and fizzle (good word that, fizzle)

BluddyMoFo · 23/10/2011 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/10/2011 10:27

It's still totally her though, isn't it, TFS?

I'm not interested so I won't even respond to your wedding invite and barely respond to your emails or ask you anything about yourself I'll just talk about me

Now I want you where are you where are you respond to me at once

budgieshell · 23/10/2011 10:39

I take it that she didn't come to your wedding. I think she would know that your upset that she wasn't at your wedding and that she didn't rsvp (very rude).

I would have thought that some one who did that would not consider the friendship that important.
I would text her saying that your upset that she couldn't be at your wedding and the polite thing would have been to rsvp. Continue by saying You hope she is well and she has managed to make a new friend at work.
Maybe she jealous of your new job and new life. Don't let her spoil what should be a great time for you.

thunderboltsandlightning · 23/10/2011 10:44

Bloody hell that wedding thing is rude. I can't imagine a real friend behaving like that.

I think you should just tell her politely that you think the friendship has run its course for you because it's been so one-sided. Don't ignore her, that's not a nice thing to do, and it would put you in her camp that says it's OK to treat people like that.

pigletmania · 23/10/2011 10:47

I would just reply to her with a brief text "I am fine thanks, just been away and got back, how are you"? and leave it at that, don't make any arrangements and let it fizzle out.

Original poster
roses2 · 23/10/2011 11:08

Hmm. But by ending a note with "how are you" surely encourages her to keep in contact which is what I don't want, I have had enough of this friendship.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/10/2011 11:15

Yes. Ending with a question invites a reply.

You need something that says fuck off Grin

Wishing you all the best for the future
It was really nice to have worked with you and I wish you all the best
I really enjoyed our time working together and wish you every happiness

You know, that sort of Hallmark shite Grin

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2011 11:36

They're not 'toxic' by the sound of it just 'not that into you'. If you do nothing bar sending a Christmas card every year, I think they'll get the message and leave you alone.

LittleJennyRobyn · 23/10/2011 11:53

If you dont want to contact her again then dont. I would probably just let it fizzle out TBH, i had a friendship that ended up being completely one sided, (although it didn't start that way). I realised that i was doing all the running.
I thought "right, i wont contact her for a bit and see if she contacts me",
Guess what?

I never heard from her again....so that told me everything i needed to know. And i really don't miss the friendship

You could send a final message as hecate suggests....if you wanted....that basically tells her the friendship is over.

SkinnedAlive · 23/10/2011 12:07

You could try to explain to her - it does sometimes work. I tried with one of my friends - who called me religiously every day when I was in hospital - and only talked about herself barely asking how I was [hshock]. She DID try to be better when I pointed this out but it never lasted. It is just how she is and she can be very amusing with her stories - so if I want a fun night out to cheer me up she is ideal - but not for support if that makes sense.

We are still friends but not close friends any more. I don't think it does any good to actively make enenies, as you never know when that old friend may come in handy (for example she may hear of a job that would be perfect for you if you are looking). Sometimes it can't be avoided though.

I hope it all works out ok [hsmile]

manticlimactic · 23/10/2011 12:11

I was friends with a someone who moved here from another city and worked where I work. She didn't have many friends and we became good friends. She was starting to plan her wedding when we met so didn't realise how self absorbed she was (when telling her about how my sis had attempted suicide she went "oh no! So do you think I should start sunbed session to get brown for the big day! Hmm ). I thought it was just because she was so wrapped up in the wedding so let it slide.

I'd helped her plan most of her wedding, went everywhere with her to sort stuff out, lent her money to pay her rent as she had to pay the final installment on the venue and became her chief bridesmaid when she fell out with her sister at the last minute. So wedding done thought maybe she'll get back to normal. I'd had a few family problems, mum not well etc. She still hadn't given back the money and gave me a sob story about tax credits and being skint and when I said that I was skint too and didn't have a husbands wage coming in like she did she flipped and had the cheek to say that I was always busy of late. Translation = I wasn't there at the drop of a hat for her to moan about stuff while not listening to a word I said and to top it off said Iwas all ME,ME,ME. I was gobsmacked. Gave her a piece of my mind, my bank details and told her to transfer the money, fuck off and never speak to me again.

Lifes so much better without her in it. Even my daughter was glad I dumped her because she used to drop in all the time and moan moan moan so it was even getting my daughter down.

So YANBU,tell her how you feel.

Oops that was a bit of an epic, sorry.

Original poster
roses2 · 23/10/2011 12:17

Bit did you get the money back??

OP posts:
MorelliOrRanger · 23/10/2011 12:28

Just ignore it, you don't have to respond if you don't want to, it's not like she was a fabulous friend and if the last time you saw her was 8 or so months ago, what's the worst that can happen. You won't see her (well you don't anyway) and she doesn't contact you again (well she's not that great at that either).

manticlimactic · 23/10/2011 12:32

Yes Roses I got the money but it would have been worth the money getting shut of her. Which was a risk I was very willing to take. Grin

At least with your 'friend' you won't have to see her at work every day like I do!

GalloweesG · 23/10/2011 12:36

Friends are transient, friendships are transient. It's quite easy to get on very well with a person in one situation but find out that with different parameters we have little interest in that person.

Sometimes we're lucky and real, true friendships continue but it will only be a small core. Most become acquaintances after a while.

It doesn't make people toxic though, just human.

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