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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not go to DH's family get together since DH can't make it?

46 replies

NickNacks · 22/10/2011 09:12

Really, really don't know what to do.

DH's aunt has invited us to Sunday lunch in a few weeks time along with his dad, grandad, siblings etc.

Originally we said yes but now DH can't go as he has to work and I need to call and let her know. I really want to say that since he won't be going, then I won't either but WIBU to do so?

We have DC's who are the only ones in the family. It is extremely stressful since his Aunt's house is not geared up for children (she never had kids-, think cream carpets, lots and lots of delicate ornaments in toddler reach) plus I'd have to cart a lot of stuff over there (high chair, travel cot). I really dread the thought of doing it alone when it's just about bearable with DH there.

So shoot- AIBU? I will go with the majority.

OP posts:

barleycorn · 22/10/2011 10:45

Go, won't everybody be looking forward to seeing the kids? My SIL trekked over to my mum's for her bday a few months ago when db couldn't come, which was a major effort as she had to lug everything and herbtoddler was having major sleep issues at the time, but it was lovely to see them both and my mum really appreciated it.

Definitely a good idea to see if your dh can enlist another family member to come and help with the loading/unloading of the car though.

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2011 11:48

I don't think you should feel obliged to go to see your DH's relatives if he's not there. Just rearrange it for another time.

zipzap · 22/10/2011 15:08

I wouldnt go to dh's rellies if he couldn't go. It's bad enough when he's there!

I know it would be nice for them but hopefully they'll invite you again when he is there. If it's long way ahead and they really want you there then maybe they can change the date.

But the thing that would probably seal it for me is what dh would do if the situations were reversed... And if dh wouldn't go then I wouldn't mind not going to his family gathering. Lifes too short to always do stuff that other people want you to.

GnomeDePlume · 22/10/2011 15:25

In this situation I would only go if I really wanted to. I dont believe all this stuff about relatives wanting to see the children. I have children and dont want to see other peoples (yes I am a miserable git). People dont necessarily want to see other people's children except to be polite.

2rebecca · 22/10/2011 15:56

If you want to go then go, if you don't don't. I've never been to a social do of my husband's family without him. He's been without me, but in general if he can't/ won't go then I have enough other stuff to do that I don't go. I've never seen my children as some sort of present that I take with me to entertain people. In general if the do involves food then children are just a distraction. If it was a special do of his parents I might go, but your husband's aunt isn't that close a relative.
Suspect I'd have got my husband to send apologies and not thought twice about it.

BecauseImAWerewolefIt · 22/10/2011 16:00

The thing is, "DH's family" as you call them, are now your family as well. They are especially your DC's family.

If his aunt has arranged a date with all those other people then I really can't see her being very happy to re-arrange it just because one person can no longer attend.

I think you should go and just make it clear that you need help. And make sure you make it easier for yourself re the DC - easy/non-messy food, etc.

ZeldaUpNorth · 22/10/2011 16:01

In your case i wouldn't go but im one of those weird one who likes thier inlaws so i would go to theirs (though it wouldnt be a problem for me as they live 150 miles away)

nailak · 22/10/2011 16:02

maybe you should invest in one of them soft chair things that you put on top of the chair and strap it on and strap the baby to, instead of actual high chair?

my ds is same age and i just put a cushion on the chair and put him on top when i am visiting and we are having sit down lunch?

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 16:03

You should go, they are your family too now and it'll be nice for them to see your DC and vice versa.

OldMumsy · 22/10/2011 16:21

If you have to ask you don't want to go so don't. It's simple, there will be plenty more get togethers in the future and missing one won't make much difference.

ohgoditssunday · 22/10/2011 16:26

There's no "should" about it, Trixy.

OP doesn't want to go, it sounds like it will be quite trying in terms of practicality, and OP is the one having to run around stressing about "duty this and duty that", when it's her husband's side of the family that's involved here. Yes, the OP is connected to this group by her husband, but she doesn't want to go and there are sound reasons why there are barriers to attending.

What part about "just because someone expects X of you, doesn't mean to say you have to do it" does a large chunk of MN fail to understand?

ohgoditssunday · 22/10/2011 16:28

Also - for the record, I would go. But I like my in-laws and their house is very friendly for visiting.

I would dig my heels in if anyone said I should be doing something just because some parts of society dictated that that's what "good daughters in laws" do.

We're fucking Britain, you know. You're allowed to do whatever makes you and yours happy.

LydiaWickham · 22/10/2011 16:36

I wouldn't go under those circumstances, get your DH to call when he's able to and rearrange a date when he's not working. I've been to PIL for lunch without DH, and while I like the PILs, I do find it harder, again toddler unfriendly house, and it's just easier with another adult there to help out.

Fabby - re the travel cot, assuming OP is driving over there, a travel cot takes up a lot less space in the boot than most buggies.

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 16:37

Calm down dear.

I didn't mean she should go with the stress on the should, that was not the intended tone of my post.

FFS

Original poster

NickNacks · 22/10/2011 16:42

Thanks all.

Regarding the buggy/travel cot thing- the buggy wouldn't be allowed in the house (see previous point of cream carpets!). It's a 'shoes off at the door' type of home.

I'm going to speak to DH when he gets home tonight and let him know I'm not keen. I don't think he 'expects' me to go but did insist I'd still be welcome without him, which I don't doubt.

His parents are divorced and if it were his mums 'side' I would be more keen as we get on very well. His dads side are all much older, a bit stiff and proper and boring childless.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 22/10/2011 18:38

My marriage ceremony was about me and my husband, there was nothing about his family becoming my family (secualr service.) I've been divorced and had hardly any communication from my exe's family since we split. They are still my kids' extended family but are not mine.
My family are my family and will always be so, my husband's family are his family.
I would only go to visit my husband's family if I wanted to, not because I am the mother of my kids, not because I want to play dutiful little wifey.
My husband would only visit my family without me if he wanted to (and he has done because he's been in the area and likes them), he'd never go out of duty.

TadlowDogIncident · 22/10/2011 18:41

I wouldn't go to a child-unfriendly house on my own with three children even if it was my own family! The thought of just keeping one toddler out of trouble during a meal in a room with a cream carpet gives me the heebie-jeebies (mine is 14 months also and in spite of all our best efforts he is very messy). If they're stiff and proper you might be getting evils from all sides every time one of the children squawks and not an atom of practical help.

LineRunner · 22/10/2011 18:45

I wouldn't go.

Yama · 22/10/2011 18:51

I wouldn't go.

Don't stress about. Just explain that dh is working. I bet they won't push for you to go without him.

dearheart · 22/10/2011 19:00

I wouldn't go. I'd tell dh to ring and cancel on the whole family's behalf.

diddl · 22/10/2011 19:04

Will they all be close?

Is so & they want to see the children, maybe they could pop round for an hr after lunch?

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