To not allow my Mum to look after DS

[TwistedFairytales]

My Mum has a complicated history and lifestyle so I'll try and make it as brief as possible.

She smokes and drinks but tries to hide this from me even though its glaringly obvious and I have told her so yet she is still in denial. She has drink-drived before but thankfully doesn't have a car now. She smokes in the house as does my brother who lives there. (She denies this even though I have caught her with a fag in hand before) Every time we go round there she has some random 'friend' of hers or my brothers lodging there that she never tells me about. She never has any money and often the gas and electricity are off. I would say practically every single time we go round there the smell of booze on her breath is enough to knock you out. My brother is ok, but has anger problems and there are holes in various doors and walls in the house. He has a 2 yr old son and is not violent to him.

My Mum works but is looking at retiring in the next couple of years and keeps mentioning how she can have Jack then while I work. I just stay quiet and say nothing but it will have to be addressed one eventually.

The thing is, it is her choice to smoke and drink even though it is bad for her health. My problem is, as she is lying about it and most other things, I can't trust her with DS who is 9mo. It is not the type of environment I want him in. I feel so guilty and awful feeling this way. DH has said that hell would have to freeze over before he left our DS there. Does anyone think I am justified in this? Now I write it down it almost seems laughable that I am actually asking the question. Things weren't always like this, and I suppose Im still trying to come to terms with the fact that Mum is probably an alcoholic.

I told her before we had DS that if she didnt sort out her lifestyle, I couldnt trust her with Jack. She acted shocked anything was wrong and since then has just lied to me even more and cut me out of her life a lot more. We speak about once a week if that, she hardly texts me and we see her about once a month.

Anyone have any thoughts to offer?

If you don't want her to have your ds, then don't. Your reasons sound valid enough to me.

Very tricky situation. If she raises the subject again,say no thanks mum,we are all sorted for childminding. Then change the subject swiftly.
Her lifestyle choices are just that,hers.

Yes good idea. Its just such a hard situation and I wish it wasn't like this :(

Of course you're concerned, sound reasons to be. It might be some time before she actually retires and the offer becomes 'real' and lots could change between then and now. It's also important that you dp feels he has a say.

YANBU at all not to want to leave your DS with her. But I wouldn't stress about what might happen in the future wrt her childcare offers. There are plenty of excuses you can give i.e. don't want to put upon family/prefer DS to be mixing with other children/childcare already arranged. If you do go back to work, make sure all you childcare is in place before you tell her. She must already know at some level that her drinking and general lifestyle are unsuitable for looking after a child or she wouldn't be trying to hide stuff from you.

LOL Scared bear it did sound worse when I wrote it down, I suppose because u get used to the situation. She came to our house once to look after DS but because she doesnt have a car and lives too far its not a viable option.

YANBU. I would not let my dd be looked after in that environment.

YANBU and I'm right there with your DH.

I'm really sorry that this is forcing you to face up to how your Mum really is though - that must be very hard.

"Now I write it down it almost seems laughable that I am actually asking the question. "
And that's why every problem I hesitate over I like to imagine in black & white; once you put it into words rather than the vague nebulous feelings that are bothering you, decisions become much easier.

You have very good reasons not to have your mother look after your DS.

Love the user name......

I could have written this post but for one point - it would never cross my mind to even consider leaving my daughter with her.
My mother sounds very similar to yours. She smokes in her home and drinks a lot. She is an alcoholic, but refuses to admit this.
YANBU at all.

OP, I had exactly the same issue. My mother is similar and I knew I couldn't trust her with my DD.

I still feel guilty - and I still don't know why.

The thing is, your mother is an adult, your DS is a baby. One can choose, the other can't.

Also, you'd very quickly find that your nerves at leaving him with her would make it impossible for you to do.

Trust your gut - your duty to your son trumps any duty you may have to your mother.

If you want a compromise, maybe she could look after him at yours?