Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To reply to a letter from an old freind who DH had a troubled relationship with?

53 replies

pickmeupandthrowmedown · 20/10/2011 01:15

Okay a letter was posted through my parents door a few days ago from an old school friend of mine (they still live in the same house as we did when we were in school) and they posted it to me.

So a bit of bacground:

The old school friend had a massive crush on me back in the day, we were good friends hung out in the same group ect. Anyway after alevels I took a year off to work and moved to a new city. He and a few other close friends went to uni in the neighbouring town so I spent a lot of time there with them.

At the same time I met my now DH (he was at the same uni as them though not in same year) Anyway it was very awkward as he still had a massive crush on me (tried to kiss me on a few times no matter how much I told him I wasn't interested and that we were friends) anyway at the same time I got together with now DH and because of what this old friend acted like all of us started to drift away from each other (but did still try to be friendly still hung out a bit)

He continued to try it on until now DH had him up against a wall threatening him (he was reallly starting to freak me out - constant messages left for me, notes, phone calls and still trying to kiss me etc) DH found him very odd and never liked him. And before the wall incident would shout at him when this stuff happened etc

We all drifted apart more after this though we did still see each other and would go out as a big group (he just wouldn't talk to me or now DH)

Anyway uni ended (I ended up staying in the town I had moved to) people moved away we sent xmas cards to each other, would try to meet up if we where back in home town.

Me and this old friend still wrote the occasional letter to each other and maybe phone about 3 times a year (we did use to be very good friends)

From the moment we sent him our wedding invite (to the reception) about 5 yrs ago we hadn't heard anything from him and neither did anyone else (not that he really kept in contact with a lot of people). didn't even get a RSVP back.

Anyway - he isn't married, has no partner or DCs (all in his letter) He doesn't apologise for any of the stuff (I lost a good friend through it) but I am half inclinded to reply. Say we are fine, DC and more on way, say about what we did and hope that he is well.

Except DH thinks I should leave it (actually he was adement that I should) that there has been two much shit and stuff and that after all this time we should forget all about it and not reply. After all our lives have moved on.

AIBU to get back into contact with this man? even though DH doesn't want me too?

Thanks - sorry it is long

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 20/10/2011 08:56

I sympathise but I think its better to break all contact. You sent him a wedding invitation, which is a chance to remain friends, he could have politely declined it were it too hard for him but not to reply at all says to me that he was sulking... which means he probably holds a torch for you still.

You see friendship. He sees the one that got away. You could be friends with him, but I think it would be cruel to continue. And given his behaviour in the past AND your DH's involvement in it, it would be a kick in the teeth to your DH when he had tried to protect you.

Time to ignore, let go, move on. Hopefull over time, he'll do the same.

A reply banging on about how great your life is will rip his heart out as well, ignoring him is the kindest way.

If he ever meets someone, someone that makes him forget how he felt about you, then maybe you could have a friendship of sorts, but until then, he wants more.

Robotindisguise · 20/10/2011 09:03

God no. I wonder if you are after the ego boost of a bit of adoration (I'm not judging you for that btw, we all hanker after being told we're wonderful!) but you'd be damaging your marriage and for what?

ShroudOfHamsters · 20/10/2011 09:18

Err, this person isn't 'an old friend that DH had a troubled relationship with'... he's a nasty harassing stalker that has caused both of you a huge amount of stress.

I'm astonished that you would have even invited him to your wedding. If this situation was happening with my DH in your position, I'm sorry but I'd have absolutely no qualms in requesting that he keep this extremely disturbing sounding person firmly out of BOTH our lives... I don't think that is an unreasonable request at all. I am firmly on your DH's side here!

What I do think is extremely odd and difficult to understand is your ongoing willingness to keep in contact with this person. As others have said, it's almost as if you like the thrill of this guy's harassment of you (I won't glamourise it by calling it an obsession or a 'massive crush' - he's a nasty, cheap, harassing weirdo). You didn't used to be 'very good friends' - a very good friend does not sexually harass another. A nice person does not sexually harass anyone!

Do you know what? Don't flatter yourself that your DH is thinking 'Grr, she's mine, how dare he make a play for her again after all this time...!!' - after the story you tell, he's more likely to feel embarassed that your response is 'ooh, should I reply?' than anything else - and that's why he's finally making it clear that he doesn't want you to start this up again. Honestly, this does not make you look good. Anyone with an ounce of self-respect and an idea of what a good friendship constitutes would have dropped this guy years ago. Anyone with an ounce of dignity would have ceased calling this guy a friend when he repeatedly tried to get sexual with her. The fact that you are interested in replying to this guy speaks volumes about you, and your DH probably doesn't like what that tells him.

EricNorthmansMistress · 20/10/2011 10:09

Leave it. This man sounds very troubled. I can't really understand why you didn't knock all contact on the head a long time ago! This is not safe behaviour on his part and you need to disengage completely. Your DH is completely right. Any response to him would be sending a very dodgy signal to a person who already has very poor social boundaries (to put it mildly).

NinkyNonker · 20/10/2011 10:12

Why, just why??

Original poster

pickmeupandthrowmedown · 20/10/2011 18:43

Thanks I suppose because I want to remember him as a very good friend (which he was when we where in school before any of it started) and maybe I think that after all these years we could maybe return to that (he was my best friend for years)
At the time I didn't see it as obsessive or anything (we where young and imature) while DH saw it as that straight away. And seeing it as such took me many many years - I made a lot of excuses for him.
As for the hanging out - other friends laughed about it and I couldn't see the word from the trees to some extent. Blame it on being young (?)

I'll admit part of it is remembering the slight flattering of it (which to begin with it was) but honestly a bigger part is the friendship I lost. DH only saw the 'obsessive' part I remember the person who was one of my best friends.

I'm not very good at letting people go - I know that about myself. Suppose it is mourning for the friendship that I lost (something I never did at the time)

OP posts:

notlettingthefearshow · 20/10/2011 18:50

I'm not sure why you would want this man as a friend. You've given him more than enough chances and he has behaved badly.

I'm curious - do you really value him as a friend? Or what would you get from contacting him? Do you feel guilty or responsible? Are you one of those people who will stay in contact with others out of obligation rather that genuine liking?

I agree with other posters that it's hard to find any reason to give him yet another chance. You've got a lot to lose and I'm not sure what to gain. Don't do it.

notlettingthefearshow · 20/10/2011 18:52

Sorry, I only just read your last post OP. It is really hard to accept that you lose friends sometimes and it's normal to grieve over this.

Original poster

pickmeupandthrowmedown · 20/10/2011 18:56

To your questions notletting
do you really value him as a friend? - I use to
what would you get from contacting him? - probably nothing in reality but in my head i'd get my friend back
Do you feel guilty or responsible? - a bit od both honnestly
Are you one of those people who will stay in contact with others out of obligation rather that genuine liking? - yes, yes I am.

thanks

OP posts:

AnyPhantomFucker · 20/10/2011 19:13

He tried to kiss you and wouldn't take no for an answer

Vincent Tabak

< ahem >

I agree with your husband

and all the others on this thread who are hinting you must have a screw loose or be in dire, dire need of a bit of flattery to even consider replying to this knobender

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 20/10/2011 19:36

Big mistake, imo. Why would he be any different now? You'd probably just end up back where you were, with him trying it on and your husband mad as hell.

Only this time, he'd also be wondering why you chose to let this man back into your life.

I think sometimes, you just have to let people go.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 20/10/2011 19:42

He's a creepy stalker and a weirdo. I'd be horrified that he was trying to track me down. Stay well clear. Especially as your DH wants you to, so it will cause at least two kinds of trouble if you do contact this ghoul. You're still making excuses for him.

AnyPhantomFucker · 20/10/2011 19:44

And...you sound as weird as he is, tbh

PopcornMouse · 20/10/2011 19:54

YABU - he is a) super creepy and b) upsets your DH. Leave it weeeeeeell alone.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 20/10/2011 19:55

I second AF, sort of.
This man assaulted you, freaked you out and now you want to welcome him back with open arms and you think the problem is that your DH had a troubled relationship with him? And you feel guilty?
You have boundary issues and/or you're much too trusting and forgiving for your own good.

notlettingthefearshow · 20/10/2011 20:05

I'm so sorry the friendship went sour, OP. It must be very hard to think of a once friend as a stalker. Obsession can develop sometimes, though, and you can't blame yourself.

Even forgetting about the problems it would cause in your marriage, I don't think it would help him if you stayed in contact with him. I don't think this would ever be a healthy friendship with that kind of history. He needs a fresh start and so do you.

For that reason, I think you should leave those memories of friendship behind and move on with your life.

BTW, I'm not sure how old you are - and I don't mean to sound patronising - but losing friends as one/both of you change is something that happens an awful lot in your 20s. I used to feel it very hard (I'm 35 now) and would mourn lost friendships like a death. But it gets easier as you see it's a natural part of life. Distance, changing circumstances and changing needs/wants from each other all play a part in this - we can't hold onto all our friends forever.

MrGin · 20/10/2011 20:19

Posting a letter by hand in this context is a romantic gesture IMO .

No mention of the past embarrisments , or apology ? I think that would really need to have been addressed in his letter. Would have to see the letter really...

Write back and you'll likely have fend off another pass at some point and cause a rift with your DH.

Be happy with the here and now. Past is the past.

AnyPhantomFucker · 20/10/2011 20:45

gin is that you ?

< not a stalker > [hgrin]

LOTW couldn't you agree with me wholeheartedly ?

OP wants to set up contact again with her own teenage version of Vincent Tabak

and her thread title appears to say it is her DH that has the problem

does that sound switched-on to you ?

it sounds fucked-up to me

Wooooooooooooooppity · 20/10/2011 20:58

He sounds like a dangerous fucking loon.

No boundaries, no respect for you and no respect for your DH.

Are you not happy? Why would you want to risk allowing this stalker back into your life?

Secrecy · 20/10/2011 21:11

Replying would be the signal to this man that you are still interested.

Seriously, don't do it.

Tcanny · 20/10/2011 21:57

To the OP ...... Are you bloody deranged?

Sorry to put it real bluntly but you need to stay well away from this bloke. He sounds a real piece of work and I pretty much agree with the Vincent Tabac reference.

Show your DH a little respect here as well, none of you need this old friend ( although I hesitate to call him a friend) around. I have visions of him turning up at your place when your DH is not there and trying to pressure you again. He sounds creepy and dangerous to me.

Dont let this turn into an ego trip, you need to keep you and yours safe.

Rydwinhofficoffi · 20/10/2011 22:40

Yes YABU to reply.

you yourself have said that you have never mourned the loss of what obviously was a very dear friendship - you have to do that and guessing you have pushed it to the back of your mind and this letter has bought it all up together.
You say at the time you didn't see it as obsessive and still feel responsible and guilty and that you are the sort to stay in contact out of duty only - that is you, your personality and there is nothing wrong with that as long as it is healthy (it certainly doesn't make you deranged) Did you ever have councilling about it all? even if you had would you consider it, talk it though with someone detached and give yourself the chance to see it clearly. It sounds like you are also the sort to see the best in people and always be giving 'one last chance' to people. He isn't the person to do this with and talking to someone away from the situation to be able to see that.

I don't think this is an ego trip I think it reminded you of an old friend and you want him to be that person again.

your DH met you while this was going on so remembers all the shit and is obviously coming from a different pov than you. he is right though.

Leave it as a blip on your uni years. But I would concider addressing some of the stuff it has brought up for you.

Fixture · 20/10/2011 23:10

The word is was. This person was a good friend. That's in the past.

AnyPhantomFucker · 20/10/2011 23:18

but he wasn't a good friend

who is reading that he was a good friend ?

I am not seeing it

Rydwinhofficoffi · 20/10/2011 23:43

I think phantom he and OP were very good friends for a number of years before he got weird - think that is what she is referring to

Flip

1 2 3