To try to get out of this family lunch at sil's next week

[lecce]

I will try to be brief. I am f/t teacher and dh is sahd to our dses who are aged 2 and 4. The 2 yo still feeds throughout the night (bf) and, because dh has ms and I am terrified of him getting ill, I deal with all the night wakings. I am shattered.

It is half-term next week and, as we usually do during the school school holidays, dh has arranged to take the dc to mil's for 2 nights. This enables me to spend an entire day and a half working, an evening on the and a morning and afternoon recovering and pottering . I love it and look forward to it hugely, especially since I don't really get any time to myself at all during term-time. It is also unlikey to happen during the Christmas holidays as we have so much on, so this will be my last chance for a rest before February.

However, sil also has ms but, unlike dh she has had it all her adult life and now has very limited mobility. She has finally agreed to sell her house and move to a bungalow nearer to her parents. She is understandably pretty sad about this and wants us to have a final lunch at hers on Sunday 30th.

Meanwhile, (sorry - I am trying to be as brief as I can) ds1 has just started at reception. He didn't go to pre-school, doesn't have many friends and we have been worried about him fitting in. After a reassuring meeting with his teacher on Monday, we feel a little better about this but still feel we need to help him out be organising play-dates etc. He has been invited to a haloween party on the 30th and we couldn't make it back in time if we go to sil's lunch.

The problem is, we have already got her to change the date for us once as she wanted to do it the weekend before but we asked her to postpone it as it is most convenient for dh to ge straight from mil's with the dc and I meet them there and after we all come home together. However, if we did this on the first weekend of the holiday, I wouldn't get my usual 2 nights home-alone as it would be too much of a rush for dh and the dc to leave on Friday.

So the question is, do we (very politely, of course) ask her to change it back to the orignal date and I forgo my treat (did I mention I'm knackered though ), or just go and let ds miss the party or ask her politley to change it to a thrid date (this may not be possible as I know her move date is very soon.

What do you think?

Abbie I really resent your implication that I do not want to spend time with my dc, I resent it a lot. I come home by 5 every day to spend time with them, though I would find life a lot easier if I left work at 5.30 ish (45 min commute). I want to do this, of course, but it means I usually have at least one hour's work to do in the evening, sometimes a lot more. You don't mention what you teach, I teach English - the marking is horrendous.

You ask when dh gets his rest. Well, he gets from about 7 - bedtime every evening (I will admit, probably inviting you to slate me more, that he cooks every evening and washes up), at weekends and during the (majority) of the holday thah he has not taken my children away from selfish little me, I am the 'lead' parent (for want of a better word) and often take them out on my own, or entertain them at home while he does what he wants. We do plenty of stuff as a family but he gets stacks more free time than me. Stacks of it. And he gets to sleep at night. I on't want to sound a martyr (probably failing) but I get virtually no time at all at home to just 'be'. Dh does. A lot. He does his fair share, probably more but he does have rest time too.

I like the idea of asking the other child for a playdate as an 'apology' - this is probably the way forward, thanks .

I was going to post something else but then I read what Quintessential said and realised she was so right and has the answer to your problem. She's right - that would give you the free time that you really need.

What I was going to say (for what it's worth) is in your shoes I would go to the party on the arranged date. If you're worried about your son's friendships, then I would invite a friend over for tea. It doesn't have to be a school night - could be a saturday at the park (or whatever) and then tea back at your house.

Sorry, I don't want to sound ungrateful but I really don't think Quintessential has the answer . As I have said, I did stop feeding, and it was not one week of sleep madness, it was two, with no imporovement at all within that time. I cannot have dh getting no sleep (though he himself has offered) because if he gets ill, we are stuffed and would have to call on family for childcare. I just can't risk it - life is pretty stressful and the one thing that would probably tip me over the edge would be dh having an attack.

Ds gets plenty of sleep. He is not awake while he 'feeds' really and is good-natured, eats well, meeting milestones - I honestly don't think he's suffering. And, importantly, as I've said, he can get through a night without me if needed.

Tbh, while I do appreciate the advice, I do think some people are refusing to believe certain elements of what I have said and believe I am a crazy, bf-fanatic loon . And I'm not. Really.

My youngest fed through the night until she was almost 3 years old. I decided it was time to stop, I chose the easiest way of stopping by going and working temporarily abroad for about 10 days. She was fine. She didn't wake up for me at all, when we were re-united, she didn't ask once. Is it worth trying this too? I must admit, all our children co-slept with us, so we never suffered sleep deprivation due to feeding, never usually even noticed I had been woken up, kids just helped themselves! So it is hard for me to know exactly what it is like for you unfortunately, but removing the source of the milk and going cold turkey might just work, plus it should allow your milk to dry up enough that even if your 2 year old tries again, there might be no more there to take.

OP, don't get too hung up on trying to manage your child's social life. I did with DC1 and totally exhausted myself with a new baby trying to organise too many playdates. In the end it didn't make the blindest bit of difference to who he played with and he would have been better off with a more relaxed mum instead.

While you are trying to stop feeding, can I recommend what I did? I sprayed myself with lots of perfume so that he couldn't smell the milk when I went in to feed. I also did it slowly, so the first few days I came down stairs in the night and cuddled and Mumsnetted. Whilst DC cried, at least I was cuddling him and soothing him. Then I built up to just staying by the cot and comforting etc. It took a few nights and was well worth doing. Maybe something to do over the Christmas holidays?

You sound like you work hard OP, take the rest days, relax and chill!

You have asked here for advice about going to your SIL's, not your bf'ing. Don't feel you have to justify your choices to anyone on her. You don't.

I think your son should go to the party. Is there any way you could stay and your Dh could go to your SIL's without you?

It's very easy to say that it's not important for your ds to go, but actually, when you're 4, parties are a Very Big Deal. A much bigger deal than going to your Aunites house for lunch, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your child before your sil. There might be other parties, but then presumably there have already been lots of other lunches, and there will be more in the future.

This lunch might be as important to your sil as the party is to your ds and your rest is to you. I would be putting my child first, myself second and sil a very definate third. If she loves her nephew, she won't want him to miss his first party from school either.

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to offend. My own BF was a disaster so I really don't know how it should work.My father died very unexpectedly 2 days before I gave birth and maybe I was in shock, but I had to give up breast feeding at 2 months as my daughter just kept losing weight to the point that my doctor told me to put her on formula or she would end up on a drip. I shouldn't really have commented on that as I don't really know what I'm talking about.

I do apologise.

I also BF for far longer than others thought I should, so can sympathise with OP here. She is clear that she does not want to stop BF yet. So perhaps let her be on that?

Agree a playdate sounds good.

Totally see your point Lecce re: time alone to just be. I love my small moments of peace- 2 days sounds like heaven! Enjoy it!

Gosh, are you apologising to me - I certainly didn't mean to imply that you'd offended me. No one on here has (well, maybe Abbie ). I don't think tone comes across on the net very well sometimes, does it?

I'm very sorry you lost your Dad at such a difficult time, I can't imagine going through two such enourmous experiences at the same time. And just because you had to give up bf when you did, doesn't mean you can't offer advice about it. .

lecce - I am sorry. I can hear your sleep deprivation talking. It is yelling across the room.

Your mind is so exhausted. You have answers for everything, to prevent yourself from spending MORE energy on solutions. You are building brick walls around yourself to avoid change. Instead, others should change, like your sil and her lunch, in the home she dreads to leave.

Of course, you are worried that your husbands illness, the same as hers, shall one day have similar effects on him, which is why you try to protect him. To prevent the inevitable. The burden you carry is great.

When DO you think your child will wean himself off?

Of course it will be difficult. He is 2, not 1. It will naturally take him a lot longer. Snuggling up to mummy for a feed is nice.

In the two weeks you tried, who settled him? You? Your dh?
It cant be you. He will want a feed.

You can plan this together with your gp and homecare. If you decide to tackle his sleep issues, homecare can come and be with the child, so the parent who was up in the night can get some rest.

Lecce - I know you weren't offended it was just when I read everything back I realised I'd stepped into muddy waters.

Anyhow, playdate advice still stands! And after years of trial and error I have some really good recipes that ALL kids like if you're interested

I may not be the MILF (like my best friend is) but I am definitely the Mother They Would LIke to Cook (i'll take what i can)

Lecce, I will apologise for suggesting that you don't want to spend time with your children...I didn't mean to imply that at all. It's more that I think the notion of 2 days off every holiday is unrealistic, and I still maintain that your DH as a SAHP works as hard as you do, and if you were a man this would have been pointed out to you in the first few posts! But look, clearly you and your family have a system that works for you, I will of course mind my own business. I hope the constructive advice I also offered will be of some help to you.

Oh, and for the record, I teach English too, so there's no point arguing that one, I think we're square!