to think that you have to cede some control if you're going to use childcare?

[Balsam]

Over the last few months, there have been a few threads on here about people not being happy with something their nursery or childminder are doing. There have been a few about what food is being fed, one about their child being too full (or was it not full enough?) and one about the childminder having CBeebies on too much. Those are the ones I remember off the top of my head but there are always ones like that on here.

AIBU to think that if you are not going to look after your child full-time, you have to accept that the people who are might do things slightly different to how you would wish? Isn't that the price you pay?

Obviously, I'm not talking about big issues, such as giving them something they're allergic to or letting them watch porn (!), but the little things.

And to clarify, I agree with the shop analogy someone made. You should agree the important things beforehand. After that, if the cm ignores it you can be annoyed.

Bling, a childminder is not an employee but a person running a business. Like a grocer or a butcher. You can decide not to buy from that particular utcher, but you can't expect him to start selling flowers instead just because that is what you want to pay for. The onus is on the customer to ask about the goods provided.

A childminder or nursery can't make a living caring for one child only, so any decision has to to take into account what is going to work for the majority of customers, not just one.

sorry cross-posted

hahah at read the notes, Tanith

If the parent wants to be able to dictate all then they need a nanny

and what cory said

Yes and no, you have the right to expect that the CM will look after your child in the way they advertise i.e. if they say they don't watch tv and do activities every day then you have a right to complain if you find out all the children do is watch Cbeebies.

At the same time you have to accept that they will not do things in the exactly the same way as you. e.g. I don't spoon feed DD at home but I have no problem if the CM does, I've changed DDs feed and nap schedule at home to fit the CMs schedule because I can be flexible where as the CM has children to pick off/drop off etc. so can't move her times.

I'm very lucky that my CM is fab and I can be confident that whatever she does will always be in the best interest of DD.

I think the distinction is between a nanny/au pair, who is an employee, and a nursery/childminder, who are running a business.

In the former case, you explain your terms before engaging a nanny and she then decides if she can cope with that, in the latter case the CM/nursery explain their terms (often in the shape of a leaflet) and you then decide if this suits you.

It's like a private school: you may be paying the fees for Eton, but you can't expect them to revamp themselves to suit your child, all you can expect is that they provide information on what they actually are.

I'm a nanny, and parents dictate to me what they want/don't want but at some point I have to make decisions. I can't be texting or calling to check every single part of the day- and there is just no way of know which points are important to the parents and which would make them that I've bothered them. Every family I've had has different things that they consider 'big'- to some, trying a dummy would be nothing, to some its the end of the world! To some parents a nuttella sandwich is just a thing that happens, and telling them would be like making a detailed chart of nose-wiping, just over the top and to some its a desicion that requires parental input and them being informed. You can't win!

Absolutely you have to cede some degree of control. If you wish to dictate every moment of your DC's life then you must stay with them 24 hours a day.

Childcare, granny, playdates, sleep over, school...all require parents to cede control...and no bad thing at all.

As others have said, I think it's a bit half and half. DD1 attended a fab nursery, with great staff, and I am completely honest about the fact that those women can take as much credit for the girl who started at big school this term as me and DP. Her manners, her caring nature towards other children, these are things that nursery put as much effort into as us. Sometimes they had their own methods of achieving this, but the outcome is all positive, and I trusted them to know what they were doing, sometimes even following their lead on some things, rather than the other way round.

But, I got pissed off when the manageress of the nursery tried to dictate toilet training, telling me I was wrong to migrate DD straight to a child seat on the toilet, skipping out the potty bit in the middle. The fact that the key workers agreed with me but behind their boss' back, and did as I had asked, but just made sure the dragon lady wasn't around, convinced me that, sometimes, nursery need reminding who's paying the bill.

I think guilt and worry can make it very hard to cede control of your child. So many mothers who work outside the home suffer terrible feelings of guilt that they 'should' be at home with their children (or that they 'should' want to be at home with their children), and that guilt and anxiety can make people very controlling.

But by the same token the fact that we are talking about this in terms of control at all suggests that the child is merely an extension of the mother's own sense of herself. 'My perfect child' is a projection of my fantasy of the perfect me.

Being able not to control the little things is a sign that you can see that your child is not part of you, and it's a sign that you are able to contain your own feelings of anxiety and loss at your separation from them.

So YANBU. And I say that as someone who removed her children from a CM because they were not being cared for appropriately -- and it wasn't a matter of TV, dummies or jam sandwiches, either.

Yes you do have to cede some control and for me that has been a very good thing. I suffered with PND for the first 7 months of my DD's life and she went to nursery at 1. It has been very liberating for me to 'pass' responsibility (not sure that is the right word at all) to her carers for 2 days a week. She is clearly happy there and I really enjoy having 2 days back at work.

I don't worry about diet because CM and nurseries are all under 'healthy eating' edicts that stop them doing anything too terrible.

TV: mine watch TV at home, and not much at any CM/childcare scenarios they are in, it's always been a 'treat' film or such like, if they've had a day out and are tired (same with their after-school club).

I have also had family care for mine, and many people have said that they would find this problematic because they wouldn't be able to say anything if the care was inappropriate, but I found the opposite, I am close to my mum so we kind of agreed a schedule and food and stuff between us when they were little. Now they are slightly older, I am grateful if anyone takes them off my hands whatsoever, and when they go for a week to their other grandparents, my only rule is: come back safely and I don't care what you get up to otherwise! (I think they are more than capable of feeding the children and setting bedtimes etc).

YANBU.

BUT, it is a two way street and they are being paid to look after children. Any decent CM will try to accommodate your preferences where they can.

Being sat in front of CBeebies all day isn't good for kids and just reflective of a crap CM.

Our CM is an absolute star and has such a loving relationship with DS, he adores her and she puts the mindees first. Yes, she does things differently to me, but I like that to be honest. I don't care that she might feed slightly different food that I would. I don't care that DS sometimes plays on her sons console or whatever. What I am bothered about is how much time she spends with her mindees and how my DS is developing in her care.

There's a world of difference between relinquishing control and putting up with a crap CM!