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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Despite the fact that, yes, I did set my son's homework on fire, and yes,

43 replies

Cathycomehome · 18/10/2011 22:41

I did tell the receptionist once when I phoned up the secondary school that I was the mother of another entirely unrelated child on the phone whilst distracted, as someone was talking to me at the same time about that child,

was I unresonable to send this email today? (Anything in brackets was not in the email).

Dear Ms X,

I have recieved a letter about X (son) becoming part of a paired reading scheme. I am a bit surprised by this, as, whilst I am very aware that X struggles with some aspects of English, particularly writing, he achieved a level 4a in reading (I know you only get to see the 3, 4 or 5 in the parent communication after SATS, but I teach at his primary school and HAVE seen the fine levels) at the end of year six, and his reading age was well in advance of his chronological age.

I am also somwhat disappointed that this has happened, as after I spoke to Ms Z (senco) regarding my concerns about his sets, she assured me that I would be made aware of any problems he was having sooner rather than later; this letter implies to me that he is having some sort of problem with reading specifically.

I also found the letter to be somewhat patronising in part, as the line about parental involvement with reading having a greater effect when fathers read with sons, as this "seems to raise the acceptability and normality of reading amongst boys" seemed to me to suggest that we, and our son, may be unaware of the importance of reading and that it may be somehow unacceptable and abnormal in our home.

Perhaps you could reply outlining why this particular intervention has been decided on for X?

My Name.

(Sorry, long).

OP posts:

northcountrygirl · 19/10/2011 00:34

Cathy - I do agree with you. Especially re the self esteem issues as my eldest daughter as also struggled due to having dyslexia, dyspraxia and discalulia.

She really struggled from reception up until probably last year when she was in year 5. She's still only average now but the worst thing was her self esteem. It's not nice for them to always be on the "lame" table (as my daughter calls it).

And they DO pick up on the kids that need extra help too. Fortunately, my daughters quite gobby, but I know it does hurt sometimes when people call her "thick".

I've tried to help her at home. It was really hard at first as she had so little understanding that I just couldn't break it down enough for her to understand. I couldn't explain why (for example) that if you were counting back from 100, 97 came after 98. She just didn't get it at all. We had to get tutors for maths and english but she's now at a level where I can help her. Surely, with you being a teacher it would be better if you were the one that gave him the extra writing help? Especially as his ready age is so high?

jamandposterpaint · 19/10/2011 00:37

That's bizarre.

Could the psychologist speak to the Senco of the school to ascertain exactly why they feel going against their advice is beneficial for your son?

It really needs to be addressed as to which of the two issues is going to cause your son the most damage in the long run.

Is there a less 'obvious' way that your son can access the paired reading scheme? Could all the children in the class be involved, for example?

northcountrygirl · 19/10/2011 00:37

And yes your email IS arsey, but sometimes things need saying....

I have certainly been arsey in the past with at least one of my daughters teachers. And possibly "slightly" arsey with a second.

jamandposterpaint · 19/10/2011 00:39

The problem with being arsey is that it often causes people to dig their heels in ...

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 19/10/2011 00:45

I think it all comes down to lack of communication. The SENCO either doesn't listen or is unaware of what has happened here. That I was not informed previous to this, considering the amount of discussion I have had with school, I find almost unbelievable (but with experience so far, par for the course).

I have so many issues with this. 1: Reading is not his weakness. 2: I was assured I would be very early informed of any problems (no communication from school re: anything prior to this letter).3: Psychological issues as described. 4: Form tutor telling him in tutor time today he has to attend this group tomorrow. 5: No description of scheme or targets, except to "raise reading age". 6: "Fathers" specifically being noted as essential.

In no particular order, and not an exhaustive list.

OP posts:

northcountrygirl · 19/10/2011 00:48

I had to. I really really disagreed with the first teacher. She was talking complete and utter crap. She made comments such as (my daughter was 6 at the time) Dd may not be able to take her GCSE's at 16, it was unlikely she would go to University. She could absolutely not understand a word I was saying. It was as though we were having 2 completely seperate conversations. At the end of the conversation she marched myself and exH to the head's office so the head could back her up. But she didn't. The head told her she was being ridiculous and put together a proper plan of action and started up regular meetings with us and the senco teacher.

The second teacher I was arsey with - I agree, i shouldn't have been, and I did apologise later.

I do understand Cathy's frustrations though because it's heartbreaking seeing your child getting so upset and calling themselves words like "thick" and "stupid".

jamandposterpaint · 19/10/2011 00:58

I know, I've been there myself

My experiences with my dd are what prompted my first response of "any intervention to help has to be a good thing".

I know now that this isn't the case with op's son, but with my dd I wanted to grab all the help that I could for her. And yes, to hear her call herself "thick" (she still does sometimes) is heartbreaking.

Good luck op, I really hope you manage to sort it.

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 19/10/2011 01:07

Thanks jamandposterpaint - I have NOT found the "outstanding" secondary school to be even "satisfacory" in some areas, tbh.

Well - I'll see what response I get tomorrow, if any.
It would be wrong, wouldn't it, to pop up to the school and graffiti "My Arse" under "OUTSTANDING" on the banner proudly displayed on the front of the school?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 19/10/2011 01:10

BTW, jamandposterpaint, and northcountrygirl, thanks for the replies, and sorry your children have also had their struggles. I hope we ALL get it sorted.

OP posts:

northcountrygirl · 19/10/2011 01:16

My daughter's school was "outstanding" too...

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 19/10/2011 01:22

Thinking of setting up a free school. In my two bedroomed bungalow. It will be VERY exclusive.

OP posts:

northcountrygirl · 19/10/2011 01:28

Can I work there too? I could be the dinner lady - I do a cracking roast dinner!

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 19/10/2011 01:45

Course you can - I will try to get all disaffected parents in!

"What is your skill? We need useful people. Especially ones with good listening and communication skills. Oh, and you can't be claustrophobic, really, as the school is so small, unless you wish to teach/give first aid/demonstrate your skill outside - we DO have a big garden"

Will be the job description.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 19/10/2011 16:44

So. I rang up the school today and left a message for the assistant head (from whom the offending letter was signed, and who has always seemed very reasonable and helpful in response to previous complaints small issues), and they asked me to forward my email to him. Which I did.

Anyway, I wasn't necessarily expecting a full response or anything, they're busy obviously, but an acknowledgement that my email/call had been received and that they would get back to me might have been nice. And polite.

OP posts:

northcountrygirl · 19/10/2011 21:10

I've found that at my DD's school they don't really like responding to emails. I know they get them as one was once discussed in a meeting, but they seem very reluctant to ever give a written response. In fact, they have never ever responded to anything in writing.

That may just be my daughter's school that's like that though.

I can't see this being answered before - why/how did you set your sons homework on fire?

alistron1 · 19/10/2011 21:16

Hijack - sorry OP, you said your sons handwriting was bad. Do you mean the formation of the writing or the content? Am asking 'cos my 2 sons are left handed, DS1 who is in Y8 had a dreadful time in KS2 wrt handwriting and I had a parents evening with DS2 (Y3) last night where his handwriting was flagged as a cause for concern, but not something the SENCO could give guidance on.

Apols for hijack.

alistron1 · 19/10/2011 21:16

Please don't send arsey reply

grubbalo · 19/10/2011 22:04

Cathy - I really get where you're coming from and completely agree you should get a response from the assistant head. But as the wife of an assistant head who has had him at home this week on pat leave, and heard his damn blackberry beep every bloody 5 minutes with a work email, if he wrote back to all of them with a holding email, he wouldn't get anything done. (I'm not trying to do a woe is teacher thing here by the way, you can just probably tell it was ever so slightly annoying having him tap away so much....!)

Anyway, really hope you get it sorted, you sound a really supportive mum to your DS.

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