About friends children when baby is born?

[karmathreefold]

Annoyingly my friends have all been rather - ahem - busy the last week, and I've had real problems I could have done with an ear to talk to.

On the advice of someone on here, I have phoned a couple of them (still not interested in my problems, but nice to hear their voices nonetheless).

They are both too busy to see me at the moment, citing reasons such as illness, or tiredness . However they both talked about seeing me when the baby is born.

One friend first said what a shame it is that she can't bring her DC to the hospital to see us (will be 15 months, same as my DD). She did say that if she's lucky she will know a midwife on duty, and may be allowed to bring him in (only siblings of the new arrival are allowed in).

I told her not to worry, that I'm sure I'll be too tired anyway (probably having a caesarean), but if her hubby could look after LO then to ring me.

She then said "if not we'll come and see you when you get home", and my heart sank! As much as love my friend (and I do) she is very...draining! A couple of weeks ago she visited, and stayed for 6 hours! The next day she came again to help me, as she knew I was tired (DD not sleeping), and in pain from SPD. I did text her not to come, as I just wanted to relax, but she insisted, and turned up when DD was eating.

Her DC had already eaten, and started grabbing DD's sandwiches - which infuriated me, but my friend thought was sweet - poor DD was strapped in her highchair & unable to snatch them back. Then when DD fell asleep (and I wanted to catnap) her DC kept squealing and wouldn't let DD sleep (and she didn't that night).

Her DC also kept playng with the stereo, sky box, and the dvd player - despite me asking my friend to stop DC. She said that DC is allowed to do that at her house, and if I didn't want other kids to do it, I should have blocked it - however, DD doesn't touch it, and if she did it's my problem, but in my house my rules. I kept having to get up to grab her DC - who then went on to push DD off a chair, steal her milk, fall off a cupboard - all whilst my friend played on her phone!

SO to be honest I don't want her DC to come and play with DD, whilst she coos over my baby - not for at least a month (or until baby is having some sleep - along with me).

Same goes for other friend, why can't they understand that one young toddler will be more than enough in my tiny house?

why do you want people you dont like to come and visit you when you have a baby? and it seems you only want them to be your friends so you can whinge to. and dont believe that they too can be ill or busy.

you sound like hard work.

So you are annoyed because one friend will visit but you dont like her child (and the way you talk about her child seems a touch bizzare) yet accuse everyone else of being too busy? What DO you want? Im confused.

You're annoyed that your friends are too busy to see you this week BUT you don't want to see them after your baby is born?

Just tell them you'll be too tired, I wouldn't worry about it,they probably only said they would visit the new baby to be polite!

They do sound a bit much. But you sound kind of prickly and touchy. You seem total opposites. What on earth do you have in common?

Of course I want to see them after the baby is born - I just don't want them to come - with their LOs - straight after, especially if I have a caesarean.

The reason I talked about my friend's DD like that, was to illustrate how difficult it is here - and why I'd rather not have her in the immediate aftermath of recovery... to say I don't like the child is unfair. I did not moan about the girl the day she arranged to come, but just on the day after, when I'd told my friend I just wanted to relax, and she insisted on coming to look after DD, and instead I looked after *2" kids, whilst my friend didn't... - that is not unreasonable to moan about that - surely? After all I explained that I was tired as DD doesn't sleep at night & have severe SPD, so for someone to come to help, then to make it worse is surely not right?

And for what it's worth, I have been there for my friends, when they've had problems, I've had both their kids here when they've needed a sitter, I've sat up over long nights when the friend in my OP had relationship difficulties & cried on my shoulder (and actually stayed here a few days).

So when my relationship has hit the pan, and I fell down the stairs, and had a bleed, I thought that they may be concerned, I didn't realise that wanting to talk to friends, when going through that, would make me such a burden!!!

YANBU, but I'm sure your hormones are partly to blame for how you're feeling. BTW I hate the way when a baby arrives, lots of excited people take leave of their senses and coo and slobber over the baby forgetting that the mother may have gone through a tough time and maybe just wants some peace to bond.

Could you just tell your friends that you'll be only having family to visit for the first couple of weeks and no-one else. If they rant and rave about it, tell them that you're doing it so you and LO can bond with minimal fuss and disturbance.

YANBU - I wouldn't relish having someone else's toddler in the house if I'd just had a baby, particularly if the mother makes no effort to actually look after her. Just because she is allowed to play with certain things in her own home it doesn't mean she should be allowed to in yours and her mother should be teaching her that.

Your friend sounds like a lazy parent and a rude one - who visits their friend and spends lots of time playing with their phone? Poor manners imo.

After the baby is born, get dh tell everyone you are ill and having no visitors. When you feel up to it, go out for a coffee with them and don't invite them back to yours until you are ready to deal with everyone.

The more threads I read on here, the more I think that true friendship is actually very rare and most of the time we put up with people who are a pita, just for the sake of it. If it seems that you are always the one to offer support and get none in return, then it might be best to lose these two as they will just be over to coo at the baby and not actually help you at all.

YANBU if she insists on coming after your baby is born, and you don't mind seeing her for half an hour, see her for half an hour and then just go to bed with the baby.

If you don't want her to come just say no. She can hardly force her way into your house.

If you see her again before then and she has her DC with her being a handful again, just ask them to leave.

This "friend" sounds as twattish as your husband TBH.
Not for ignoring her child btw, but for ignoring you this week when you need her :(

I'll be honest, I don't see your H supporting you and telling visitors to go away.

YANBU.

All of my friends have 2 children and when I had my section with DD, the last thing I wanted was other children running around my tiny house when they came to see the baby. All of my friends were very understanding that I wanted the first visits to be without children. They were more than happy to oblige and they did say they wouldn't have dreamt of bringing them anyway. Your friend sounds like a selfish cow who refuses to listen when she knows exactly what you are saying. Seeing if 1 of her MW friends is working so she can bring her child to the maternity ward! Sorry but she really is taking the piss. As for her child touching all the things that your DD doesn't, you need to be firmer and say "no my DD doesn't touch them so there is no need to cover them, stop your child now please as I have different rules in my house" if she doesn't get the message, don't invite her over with her DD until she agrees to abide by your house rules.

Sounds harsh but people like this really piss me right off. Also if you need sleep or rest after the baby is born, just say "thats it, I'm off for a rest now" and just go. You don't need to make excuses. Just do what you need to do for you. I don't bother trying to please everyone else now, if I need rest, I take it.

You sound exhausted, heavily pregnant and hormonal which makes these things you have described unbearable at the time. Why don't you play it by ear and see how well you recover from the c-section. Friends should understand not coming round till you are up and about and feeling yourself again.