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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that dh should get the snip

40 replies

thedevilisinthedetail · 17/10/2011 20:50

We have two dc. I really can't imagine having more. I don't have wonderful pregnancies and seem to go a bit mad postnatally!

Pill gives me weight issues, hated mirena and other options seem equally unappealling...

AIBU thinking we could just sort this by dh getting the snip? Would like a guarantee that I'll have no more surprises. Don't see me relaxing without. Does anyone have another suggestion that they actually found reliable and not too disruptive?

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 17/10/2011 23:02

I really can't imagine having more. I don't have wonderful pregnancies and seem to go a bit mad postnatally!

Pill gives me weight issues, hated mirena and other options seem equally unappealling...

YOU get sterilised. It's YOU with all the problems. And sadly to point out YOU might fall under a bus tomorrow and he might like a fmaily with someone else after you've gone. Why should he get the snip?

I got sterilised - it was ME with the pregnancy problems and ME with the blood disorders.

slavetofilofax · 17/10/2011 23:08

I am usually all for the man having the sterilisation procedure when a couple decide they don't want to have any/any more children. I think women go though enough.

But your DH wants more children. It's not a joint descison when you say you can't see yourself having more children, it's your descison. It's a descision you are perfectly entitled to make, because pregnancy affects your body. Same as he is entitled to make the descision when it affects his body.

As much as I do belive that men should be the ones to do the sterilising after the woman has done the pregnancies, I can't see myself ever encouraging DH to do it. He would hate the thought of having to have it done, and I could never do that to him.

troisgarcons · 17/10/2011 23:10

I do belive that men should be the ones to do the sterilising after the woman has done the pregnancies

I've known women to go up the vasectomy rpoute - then leave their partners and have further families with other men.

I'm firmly of the opinion if YOU decide it's time to call a halt to your family YOU have the sterilistion.

QueenStromba · 18/10/2011 00:09

I'm in the process of trying to get sterilised at the moment. I'm the one getting sterilised rather than my DP because if he gets hit by a bus or we break up then if he'd had a vasectomy then I'd be back to square one and have to worry about contraception if I found a new man. The only way for you to be sure that it's a permanent solution for you is to be the one sterilised. I know it's not nice to think about the worst case scenario but it's something you have to do when you're making a decision as life changing and permanent as this.

bemybebe · 18/10/2011 00:19

"I've known women to go up the vasectomy rpoute - then leave their partners and have further families with other men."

This is what happened to my dh.

dramatrauma · 18/10/2011 00:23

I think the reason it's usually the man who gets sterilised is that it's a much simpler and less invasive op.

By the way my DB had the snip after having 4 kids with his first wife. She left him, and when he married again he had it reversed. I now have one more lovely nephew.

bemybebe · 18/10/2011 00:25

Reversal works when the op is 10 years previously or less. If more there is a high degree of failure.

BecJackMissR · 18/10/2011 00:27

Each to their own. I want my DH to get the snip done next year. We are done having children. We have 4 children all together & that includes DH's 2 children from his previous marriage.

PhilipJFry · 18/10/2011 09:26

I think that for now you should start using condoms and another form of contraception because you sound very concerned about getting pregnant again and of contraceptive failure. Using a physical barrier as well as something like the implant might put your mind more at ease. Makes it even less likely that it'll happen!

I sympathise, I really do. For many years getting pregnant again was a great fear for me.

PooseGimples · 18/10/2011 09:34

I do also think it's quite unkind of you to completely dash his hopes of having more children. We are in the reverse situation, where I would love another child but dh thinks 2 is enough. I would readily go through another hyperemetic pregnancy- 2dc's saw me in hospital a lot on a drip with far too many scary drugs- he found it too much like hard work quite traumatic. If dh was just to march off and have a vasectomy knowing how I felt, it would be a total end to any of my hopes and rather mean. As it is, I know he doesn't want any more children and dont really think he will change his mind but am living in hope that he might! Its a sort of limbo that both of us can live with. A vasectomy would just be too final and I (perhaps your husband too) just can't quite give up on the idea of one more baby.

For you to just make the decision for him without any thoughts about his feelings would be way out of order imho. Even if he has no illusions about your feelings.

apprenticemum · 18/10/2011 09:44

YANBU - Your DH has to unedrstand that you have done your bit and suffered the consequesces now it's his turn. Tell him to bloody well Man up!
After tubal surgery (same as a hysterectomy only fixing things up) and 5 IVF cycles to my astonishment I finally fell pregnant naturally at 40. Thankfully everything went well but I didn't want to push my luck. The pill and coil were out and although hubby would have liked a shot at another baby realised that I was not a breeding sow and respected my feelings. He was squeamish about the procedure but got on with it. Like other posters, he admitted afterwards that it was no big deal after all.

wannaBe · 18/10/2011 09:53

we are sort of in a reverse situation.

My dh wants to have a vasectomy but I have discouraged it. Not because I want more children - I don't. But I actually came to a decision that I didn't want any more children after ttc unsuccessfully for over four years. Because while my dh did come on board with my decision that we were done ttc and tat actually I didn't want to continue and actually didn't want another baby now, I think deep down he's not altogether happy with the idea that we'll never have another one. He knows we won't, but equally I think that if anything happened to us, or to me, he would want children with someone else, and it's IMO not my place to take that away from him given I'm the one who decided I don't want any more.

We're using condoms currently and realistically within the next ten years contraception won't be an issue anyway.

Scholes34 · 18/10/2011 09:55

My DH is happy with the three DCs he has and was happy to have the snip and does not for one minute imagine going back to having babies. It's not where he's at now in his life. If your DH hasn't got to this stage, I think he's not ready for the snip. Yes, it's possible to reverse it, but not guaranteed to work. I think you need to look for a solution around your own fertility.

Groovee · 18/10/2011 10:41

Dh told me in my pregnancy with ds that he would get the snip. It took 5 years before I went to the GP to ask to be sterilised and for some reason dh came with me and we left with dh being referred for a vasectomy . we had the most ridiculous counselling session which had us in fits of laughter and then he had the procedure a few weeks later. He came out and I was in the waiting room unaware that I was in the STD clinic waiting room... and he waddled in with all these people staring at him haha. He got the all clear a few months later and nearly got battered for saying, "it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be! I should have done it sooner!" But it was done when he felt it was time to be ready and not because I'd forced him into it.

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 18/10/2011 10:56

You dont want any more children. Get your tubes tied.

Do not expect him to have the snip and stop him from fathering more children unless he is 100% behind it.

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