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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want another baby?

18 replies

PumpkinStars · 17/10/2011 20:27

Dh and I currently have one 3.10 Ds. Ive always known that I wanted two children. In the last few months I have made it clear to Dh that i would like to have another baby but he is dead against it. We live in a two bed flat (fairly good sized with double bedrooms), we have not long moved into this flat after moving from a much smaller flat where we were quite cramped! I know i could quite happily manage in our current home with two children.
I was a only child unitl i was 14 and i hated it,always felt like i was missing out, i dont want the same for my son!
I can understand his reasoning for not wanting any more, ie. bedrooms, money etc but i think we could manage just like other people do.
Ive only really realised in the past couple of months how much I want another baby but I dont want to rock the boat, for want of a better phrase!

OP posts:

Olivetti · 17/10/2011 20:35

No, YANBU, so long as you have always been clear it is what you want. I was an only child too, was rubbish.

BabyGiraffes · 17/10/2011 20:47

You will have to rock the boat or else the resentment towards him is going to eat you... Have you talked to him/nagged him that you really really feel very strongly about this? I'm not suggesting this at all (!) but how do you think he'd cope with a lucky accident? Is he an only child or has siblings? My dh had the same concerns about money/space but is now completely besotted with our second...
(I am sort of in the same boat.... I managed to convince dh to have two but he's totally against a third...)

EricNorthmansMistress · 17/10/2011 20:49

YANBU
Let's hope a happy accident occurs. (I mean that, I don't mean an ''accident''!)

Original poster

PumpkinStars · 17/10/2011 20:53

BabyGiraffesI have made it clear! Hes got two sisters, hes in the middle! In the case of a "lucky accident" i think he would be a pissed off for a while but hed deal with it!
Incidently the idea of a "lucky accident" was what made me realise how much i wanted it. Dont know if its in me though, i would feel guilty!

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 17/10/2011 20:53

The combination of my opinion and my gender will probably get me roasted alive for this.

YABU. Every child should be wanted by both parents. That's an ideal and many who were unplanned and initially not welcome to one or another end up as part of a happy family - but it is so much better if both are really keen on it before they set the ball rolling, if you'll pardon the expression. Please don't talk him into something he does not want.

What "you've always known" is not the end of the story, he may have "always known" he wanted one.

Being an "only" is fine if your DS mixes with other children - there's a sociable and charming man in this twenties who calls me Dad and proves that.

And forgive me, Olivetti, this is not a matter of contract and agreement.

All right; heatproof garments on.

Original poster

PumpkinStars · 17/10/2011 20:55

Oh God cant believe im even thinking about it!!
Dont think id do it though... too much of a wimp!

OP posts:

Original poster

PumpkinStars · 17/10/2011 20:57

andrewofgg i compleatly agree that a child should be wanted by both parents, however i wanted ds more than he did and he compleatly adores him now!!

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 17/10/2011 20:59

Bless you both PumpkinStars but a second is another story. And please, please don't do anything deceptive.

EricNorthmansMistress · 17/10/2011 21:00

I really wasn't suggesting you engineer a pregnancy. I think a lot of subsequent children are 'accidents' in that the woman wants another so doesn't put herself out to avoid pregnancy, and the man allows risks to be taken...and there it is. I hope for one TBH. I won't take hormonal BC and I figure if my H risks it without a condom once in a while he knows the score.

BabyGiraffes · 17/10/2011 21:12

Actually agree with you all... (if that is possible). I didn't have an 'accident' to have dc2 but both dh and I agreed to take a chance . He did complain that I tricked him... but he totally adores both now. He's been the most reluctant prospective dad I have ever met but would not change them for the world once they arrived. Wonder if some men can't see beyond the idea and 'inconvenience' (time/space/money) when really they are fantastic dads once presented with the actual baby .

Original poster

PumpkinStars · 17/10/2011 21:14

Im on the pill so unless i come off it nothings gonna happen! Nothing deceptive will happen i m not tht type of person, just the fact that it even enterd my head makes me realise hiw much i want baby no. 2!

OP posts:

BabyGiraffes · 17/10/2011 21:15

Aww feel for you Pumpkin and hope your dh changes his mind

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 17/10/2011 21:24

YANBU. DC2 could be the best thing that ever happens to your family. Second DC is much cheaper than 1st DC. Family is more important than money.

Original poster

PumpkinStars · 17/10/2011 21:37

babygiraffes Maybe thats what it is! My dh is to practical and very negative most of time! Always looks for the bad rather than good!
Even though we agreed to try for Ds he was still shocked and sceptical when I told him I was pregnant, but hes such a good dad!
I think ive got some major convincing to do!!

OP posts:

BabyGiraffes · 17/10/2011 21:56

Pumpkin is your dh mine (joke!)? If you asked him what he'd say if there was a real accident (pills do fail, not often, but they do!). How would he cope? It may get him thinking...

(As for third now, dh has some real concerns which I can't deny eg effect on cars/holidays etc. Everything seems to be geared towards a family with two children only)

BabyGiraffes · 17/10/2011 21:59

Agree with rebel, 2nd is very cheap because all the baby gear was bought for the first and the major disruption to your life happens only with the first. My dd2 fitted in as if she'd always been with us.

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 17/10/2011 22:13

'Two's company' they say.
And if you are a SAHM childcare is not going to cost extra.
You will get £13.20 extra per week in child benefit (if the government haven't done away with it by then!)
Cost is not a good reason not to have DC2.
Your DH is BU IMO.
Good luck persuading him!

musicmadness · 17/10/2011 22:31

YANBU but neither is he. It really is one of those things that there isn't a compromise on. Is your DH saying not ever or not now? Is it important to you to have another baby right away? If not maybe agree to leave if for a year and then sit down and have another discussion about it.

I really don't think its fair to bring a child into the world where one parent really doesn't want them. They can end up part of a loving family but I've also seen that go the other way where the parents ended up splitting up and the dad only spends time with the older children, not the youngest (unwanted by the dad). In that case the mum lied and said she was on the pill when she wasn't. I'm not saying that's right at all (behaviour from both of them is awful IMO) but it happens, and if you are going against your partners wishes with something like that you have to think through what could happen if it backfires badly.

For what it's worth I'm an only and absolutely loved it and wouldn't change it for the world so not everyone hates being an only child!

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