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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sick to death of being told to leave my DD to cry?

26 replies

WitchesBroomForMyChin · 17/10/2011 16:17

I've posted about this a few times before and I'm at the end of my tether with it now. I'm sick of people telling me how raise my DD, it's not even advice I'm getting, it's instructions. My sisters were round today and kept saying I have to start leaving my 3 month old DD to cry or she'll never learn to sleep. I didn't once ask for advice or complain about DD and her sleep at all. I said several times I was perfectly happy with things the way they were. They also tutted at me when I put DD in her sling for sleep and then started talking about me when I went into the kitchen.

I'm at the point where I'm going to end up being rude which I don't want to do but I'm sick of them constantly implying i don't know what i'm doing.

My sister also fed her son a greggs sausage roll and a fruit shoot for lunch which made me Grin at least I know they don't use mumsnet Grin

OP posts:
worraliberty · 17/10/2011 16:19

Just raise your child the way you want to

No-one is a superior being just because of their choices...not matter how much some people like to think they are.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 16:22

Did I ask you for your opinion? Hmm

She's 3 months not 3 years FGS! But that aside, just ask them the above.

worldgonecrazy · 17/10/2011 16:23

If they won't take polite hints, then just say something bitchy or nasty, such as "Given all the latest scientific research into cortisol levels as babies and behavioural/anger management in teenagers, I'd rather not risk it. Isn't it a shame this research wasn't around when your babies were little, I wonder how many parents have damaged their children without realising they were doing it". Yes it's completely an OTT statement but should shut them up.

My DD has never had any sleep issues and we have always used gentle sleep methods such as slings, cuddling, bfing etc. so they are quite wrong to say she will never learn to sleep.

mousesma · 17/10/2011 16:23

You're going to have to get a thicker skin I'm afraid because there will always be those who insist on trying to pass on their child rearing advice whether you want it or not.
Just ignore any advice you don't like.

ManicPanic · 17/10/2011 16:25

I never left my dd to cry.

She sleeps great, always has done, she is not clingy, whingy or 'spoilt.' Bugger what anyone else thinks - mothers get so much unwanted advice - my only advice is to ignore the advice, find good advice / guidelines from books or a decent GP.

duvetdayplease · 17/10/2011 16:25

Just be rude to them.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 17/10/2011 16:26

Why not get rude? They're being rude.

Either "I am happy doing things MY way, please don't give me instructions again."
or "I will raise MY child MY way."
or counter attack "Someone who shoves their child full of crap from Greggs has got NO business lecturing anyone else on parenting" Grin

Seriously - why are you so reluctant to put someone in their place when they are perfectly happy to come into your home and bitch at you?

LaWeasel · 17/10/2011 16:27

I think you will have to be rude.

They will probably think you are totally unreasonable, but at least it should shut them up!

OchAyeTheNooPal · 17/10/2011 16:31

I wouldn't put up with them talking about you behind your back in your own home. Get rude and say you do not welcome their constant interference.

Advice is fine if it's well intentioned but they sound like they just want to have a bitch about you.

Original poster
WitchesBroomForMyChin · 17/10/2011 16:32

Because there's 2 of them saying the same thing and then only me doing it my way they always manage to make me feel like an idiot.

I never make any comments about the way they parent even though they do plenty of things I wouldn't

Recently i've started putting them off coming round as it winds me up so much but I don't want to get into a habit of doing that as when they aren't giving me advice I didn't ask for we all get on really well.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitchesBroomForMyChin · 17/10/2011 16:34

I really don't want to be rude. I hate confrontation I am a big wimp there must be another way.

OP posts:
LaWeasel · 17/10/2011 16:39

Can you appeal to their better natures and say "Look, I don't agree with you about how to handle crying, so I'm going to keep doing it my way no matter what you say. Could you please just have it be something we agree to disagree about and not comment all the time? I absolutely give you permission to comment in 20years time if I still have to pop her in the sling to make dinner, but until then, just give it a rest?"

I'm going to be generous and suggest that they might be worried about you getting stressed/upset at the methods you're using, especially if it takes a long time for your baby to 'sleep through', because they don't really understand how it works, or because those kind of techniques made them feel stressed/upset when their kids were babies. In which case they are possibly trying to be helpful.

Midori1999 · 17/10/2011 16:43

Tell them to mind their own business. They are being rude, especially talking about you when you leave the room, so you're a saint for trying to avoid being rude back.

Look at all the cultures where they wear their babies in slings from birth constantly. They have some of the most independant and self sufficient toddlers too.

hardboiledpossum · 17/10/2011 16:48

My friends are always saying the same thing, especially when I'm trying to settle DS at night and he's taking forever to fall asleep. I do find it a bit upsetting.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 17/10/2011 16:50

If you don't want to confront them about it then your choices are don't see them or just carry on taking it.

They're not going to stop, are they? You can look forward to a lifetime of this.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 17/10/2011 16:56

I just want to say one thing

I had SEVEN SILs.

SEVEN!

They all told me what to do ALL the time.

I had to pretend I was deaf.

(they told me to give DD carnation milk instead of BF and Cod liver oil)

Original poster
WitchesBroomForMyChin · 17/10/2011 16:56

No Hecate don't say that! I was sort of hoping they'd eventually get bored of me changing the subject whenever it got mentioned.

I've not said this before but I'm actually not doing too bad of a job, DD is a happy baby, the house is tidy and I manage to get showered and dressed every day Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
WitchesBroomForMyChin · 17/10/2011 16:59

7 MrsDeVeerie!

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 17/10/2011 17:00

Grin You're kidding, aren't you?

Your child is how old? 3 months?

You've got
weaning
walking
talking
toilet training
toys
school
friends
clothes
discipline
boyfriends
homework
bedroom
music
marriage (or relationship or whatever)

and then, should your child have them - grandchildren and how you should be with them.

If you want it to stop, you will have to stop it.

EasilyDistracted77 · 17/10/2011 17:00

The fact they are your sisters does NOT give them any more right than some stranger at the bus stop to tell you what to do!

Could you perhaps tell them that you'll ask for advice if you want it, otherwise you'd thank them not to interfere because everybody and every baby is different?

When your baby is a toddler and having a full-on meltdown in the middle of the supermarket, you'll get even more "helpful suggestions" from random people suggesting that you "give 'er a packet of sweets to shut 'er up", so it would be good practice to come up with a way to deal with such advice early on :)

afussyphase · 17/10/2011 17:00

People really seem to push controlled crying. Our HV's were like that with DD1 and she would NOT respond to it - we tried it for 5-10 minutes once or twice. Result? Projectile VOMITING. We never did it and she learned to sleep just fine. MrsDV: my parents used carnation milk.!! I thought it was just them . I wonder how much smarter/healthier/thinner/more successful my brother and I would be if they hadn't... (but we're doing fine, as it happens)...

BigBoobiedBertha · 17/10/2011 17:04

Tell them medical advice says not to leave a baby to cry it out until they are much older than your DD. You don't have to be rude but just tell it like it is. It isn't advisable to leave a baby that young to cry for all sorts of reasons. How old are their children - give them the benefit of the doubt and say things have changed and the professionals know more now.

Tell them also that babies who are responded to in their first few months , cry much less at a year and older than those who are left to cry.

I think a few facts would be helpful to avoid being rude and making it personal.

If that doesn't work and you don't want to tell them to shut up and keep their opinions to themselves, you are just going to have to ignore them.

buttonmoon78 · 17/10/2011 17:06

Hear hear. Hecate speaks the truth.

Confrontation can be difficult but unless you want this for decades get it sorted now!

Original poster
WitchesBroomForMyChin · 17/10/2011 17:12

That was a long list Hecate . My sisters boys are both 2, they both did cc from very early on so if I said it can be damaging I feel like I'm saying they've damaged their DS's. I'm just going to have to be firm and keep repeating that different babies are different and I'm happy with the way things are.

OP posts:
LaWeasel · 17/10/2011 17:16

If you are managing well with a 3mth old baby I think you would be mad to listen to them and change what you are doing!

It is only worth stepping back and changing technique if the one you're using isn't working for you and baby.

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