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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this nursery may be crap

54 replies

willowsmyname · 16/10/2011 20:09

I want other people's perspective on this as I don't think I've got any! Long story but we got a place 3 days a week for 13mo DS at the nursery we wanted in August. I wasn't going back to work until the end of September but we took the place in order to secure it and thought that he could have a long settling in period. We started him with a couple of hours here and there and worked up to about 5 hours so he could try eating lunch and sleeping there. We then went abroad for 3 week so he had me and DH full time and sleeping in lots of difference places. After we came back we had one more week of settling in before starting back at work. I've now been back at work for 3 weeks so he has been doing full days for 3 weeks. We've had the usual crying when I dropped him off and picked him up and he didn't sleep there in the beginning but now sleeps for over an hour and eats really well. He's also stopped crying when drop him off and seems really well at home and full of beans. No excessive clingness or night waking, nothing that I was bracing myself for. Since he started they've said that he cries on and off throughout the day but again I wasn't too concerned about this as it's only properly been 3 weeks so thought this was usual settling in behaviour.

The problem is that on Friday they basically told me that they think he's taking an unusual amount of time to settle in, that they think the crying is too much and that nursery might not be the best thing for him. They'll give it another 2 weeks and review whether they want to kick him out!!! They also said that he doesn't take part in the activities on offer and that he's unsettling the other children. Bear in mind though that this all came out when I asked them how he was getting on rather than them approaching me to discuss an apparent problem. I was really upset at first thinking I had a child with abondonment issues or socialising issues. But the more I've thought about it over the weekend the angrier I've got. It's only been 3 weeks proper for goodness sake. Are they really telling me that all children settle in without any tears at all in this time??! Plus I don't think he's very unhappy there as I would know surely. I don't think they're being fair at all. 3 weeks for goodness sake - I really don't think that's long enough! Also - taking part in the activities - wtf! He's 15 mo! What do they expect - group role play? ALso he's a baby - he's going to cry on and off.

What do other people think about this? Am I Just being blind to the situation and desperately don't want to accept that we have a problem? Or are they being utterly unreasonable in thinking he should have settled in properly by now? I'm not sure that the nursery is suiting his needs if they expect him not to cry, to take part in activities etc at 15 mo? Do I want him to carry on going to a nursery that is prepared to give him a chance or worse still that is apparently unwilling to have upset babies on their hands?!

OP posts:

StetsonsAreCool · 16/10/2011 20:40

I'd be glad that they told you the extent of his upset-ness. I agree that all nurseries don't suit all children. A smaller one might be better for him, or like others have suggested, a childminder.

My DD (now 16mo) started nursery one day a week, albeit much much younger than your DS. I've never had to be told that she cries and doesn't join in. We are very lucky that we have family to help out on the other days, but she absolutely seems to thrive on the extended contact and exciting toys on a nursery day.

If there's a baby who is upset throughout the day, it can be unsettling for the other babies, so the nursery staff have to placate 5 babies instead of just one. And all the time they're attending to a crying baby, that's attention that's diverted from the rest of the group.

I think I agree with thisisyesterday, I'd be gutted for DD if I knew she was crying all day and not wanting to play at all, with anything or anyone. I'd be taking her out of nursery faster than fast. But that's just me. You have to make your own choices.

hayleysd · 16/10/2011 20:44

Must add that we go to the nursery they will all start at next year as it's at school where I drop all the others off and they all have to be dragged out every morning as they want to stay! We go to toddlers there and they all love it so am 99.9% sure it is going to be a smooth transition (fingers crossed) when they all go, this little girl was just too little for nursery before.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 16/10/2011 20:47

Sorry but I think YABU. I am a childminder and have worked in nurseries and to me, it is unusual for a child to still be crying on and off all day after so long. I think the nursery have been honest with you and I suspect that your child is not yet ready to be in that type of setting and a that a childminder may be a better option.

It sounds like the nursery may be struggling to give so much attention to one child that will not participate in the activities due to be upset and would rather get back to dividing their attentions between children.

I think the nursery have been very good.

TheOriginalFAB · 16/10/2011 20:50

hayleysd - dd hated lots of people being around and couldn't cope with more than 2 extra people being around.

thisisyesterday · 16/10/2011 21:03

ds1 was like that too Fab. we took him out of his pre-school until he asked to go (to a different one) about 8 months later. interestingly the new one was quieter and had more staff to keep an eye on him/play with him and he just liked it there so much more

RitaMorgan · 16/10/2011 21:03

I'd disagree with Grovee that it's typical to take 4-8 weeks to settle in actually - if a child is still crying/miserable during the day after 4 weeks then I'd want to speak to the parents about whether they should be there.

OneNerveAndYouAreOnIt · 16/10/2011 21:15

poor little soul, being dumped on strangers for that length of time every day :(

RitaMorgan · 16/10/2011 21:19

Once they settle into childcare then they aren't strangers anymore, you just need to find the right place.

531800000008 · 16/10/2011 21:26

OneNerve the child is NOT being dumped with strangers

alwayspoor · 16/10/2011 21:29

I think the nurser sounds good, they could just take your money and make out all is well. If they are telling you ds is not happy, listen to them.

alwayspoor · 16/10/2011 21:30

one nerve, that is uncalled for.

StetsonsAreCool · 16/10/2011 21:34

OneNerve, would you rather him be left home alone all day? FFS.

Cathycomehome · 16/10/2011 21:54

OP, I can see what you mean about them not saying anything til you asked. It's a long time since my son was in this position, but I went for a childminder who looked after my son from 12 weeks to 4 years and she was MARVELLOUS - but I know that it's really hard to find one in some areas.

Sidge · 16/10/2011 22:09

If he's sitting alone crying and not wanting to join in with any activities, after this period of time, then I think the nursery are being the opposite of crap by bringing it to your attention.

They could just take your money and pretend all is fine.

Some children love a group setting from a young age, some hate it and need a more 1-1 experience. Bear in mind a childminder may have a number of other children of various ages and he may not settle with a CM either. Have you thought about a nanny?

Brynn · 16/10/2011 22:24

I also think the nursery are being good in giving you an honest opinion.

I put DS1 in a nursery when he was 9 months old, and the staff there told me he "cried a little bit" during his settling in sessions. Turned out "a little bit" was 1 hour of constant screaming, so I removed him. I hate to think what they would have considered a lot of crying.

IMO, some babies do well in nurseries, but others need more attention than the standard 3:1 ratio can provide.

slavetofilofax · 16/10/2011 22:42

I actually think that sounds like a brilliant nursery with staff who actually care about the children.

They are not just ignoring the fact that he appears unhappy, they just seem to have concerns that he might not be.

You are complaining that they only told you this when you asked, but at the same time complaining that they haven't given him enough time!

They answered your question honestly. Would you have prefered than to tell you there was no problem at all so that you didn't end up with the impression that there might be?

They are not 'not prepared to give him a chance'. They are giving him a chance! They also don't sound like they are unwilling to have an upset baby at all, they just sound worried that he might be unhappy. It sounds to me like they care about him.

NoobyNoob · 17/10/2011 07:56

YABU - they're looking out for the welfare of your child, rather they let you know than let him carry on utterly hating it?

lesley33 · 17/10/2011 09:04

At his age I wouldn't expect him to play with other children - they really play alongside other children. But if they mean he is not really playing at all, then I think this is unusual and a sign of real unhappiness.

I think young children will often cry for a bit when they are dropped off for quite a bit. But usually they then play during the day.

So I think they are right to question whether the nursery is best for him. He might be better off with a cm. As other posters have said,if they were a poor nursery they would have said he is fine and carried on taking your money.

lesley33 · 17/10/2011 09:09

Andit doesn't mean your child has "issues". Children are people with their own preferences. Some hate bigger noisier places and find them too hectic, some love them and find them stimulating. Some prefer small groups with more calmness and quietness, some find this boring.

TandB · 17/10/2011 09:18

I am a big fan of nurseries for children who enjoy that kind of setting - DS loves going and shouts "Nursery - yay!" on the way there - a little unflattering to me perhaps!

But I am not so evangelical about nursery care that I would suggest keeping an unhappy child in that setting when there are other options available.

I think the nursery have acted entirely reasonably and responsibly. If you, knowing your child, feel that he is likely to settle if given a little more time then why not talk to them about it and point out that the holiday probably disrupted things quite badly and ask them to review their opinion by looking at the situation as though he started for the first time after the holiday. If they still say that they don't think it is going to work then it might be time to look at childminders.

mumofthreekids · 17/10/2011 13:29

I agree with the people who have said they'd rather know if their child wasn't settling well than be lied to and told everything's fine.

It definitely sounds a bit hasty though if they really mentioned "kicking him out" after only 3 proper weeks.

OP, how did it go today? Did you have a chance to have a proper conversation with the nursery manager about your concerns?

Jawbreaker · 17/10/2011 13:33

It is early days, OP, you are right. But to be honest, it is so much better that they are raising their concerns with you rather than sweeping it under the carpet and saying 'Oh, he was fine today' - which is what some nurseries would do.

Are they really proposing that if he doesnt stop crying on and off during the day they are going to kick him out? If this is really the case, it sounds a bit bonkers and perhaps you do need to look into alternative nurseries. But if they are actually saying that they think he is finding nursery really distressing, then maybe it is worth thinking about a childminder? I do remember a little girl at my DS's old nursery who literally never sett;ed in. After 2 or 3 months she was still crying most of the day. That isn't a good situation for a child (I appreciate it hasn't got to that stage with your DS, though).

Dialsmavis · 17/10/2011 13:54

OneNerve was being a nasty twat on the other nursery thread as well.

Dialsmavis · 17/10/2011 13:56

I also think YABU but you should be pleased the Nursery is kind and honest. It sounds like you might deep down feel them thinking your DS hasn't settled is some kind of criticism towards you or him. I am sure they just want him to be happy in the right setting for him.

thesurgeonsmate · 17/10/2011 14:06

Well yes, Dialsmavis, it does look like OneNerves comment is a one-size fits all nursery topics type offer. I think posters like that should have their little sad face emoticons confiscated!

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