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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to back me up?

44 replies

boohoobabywho · 16/10/2011 18:41

today my dd (7.9) came in and asked if she could help GND with a computer game and i said no, because BBF will be here in 5 mins. she began to argue and i said 'i have said no, becuase BFF will be here in 5 mins, so dont argue with me' this usually does the job.

But when BFF turns up DD is in GND house playing this computer game. I am really cross and have said that as a punishment she should not have anything out of the goodie cupboard for a week. i turned to DH who witnessed the whole thing and said... isnt that right... and he just shrugged!

thing is i always back him up, even if i think hes being a bit harsh, AIBU to want to ban his goddies for a week too?

OP posts:
Original poster
boohoobabywho · 16/10/2011 21:41

no i dont use this language in real life i use the girls names, but this is MN!

if you look at my earlier rant you will see that it isnt a critsm of my daughters choice in friends, nor questioning my own decison to punish her... but was against my DH who didnt back me up at a cruicial time!

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 16/10/2011 21:47

rindercella I don't really understand your point?

Rindercella · 16/10/2011 21:55

My point I guess is that babywho appeared in her opening post to be using incredibly childish language (incomprehensible to the majority of posters here). My immediate thought is that that isn't a particularly healthy thing to do. But then neither do I think it is particularly healthy to always expect a partner to back you in every decision you make, regardless of whether you are right or wrong. Perhaps I am just odd in this?

Original poster
boohoobabywho · 16/10/2011 21:57

so you think that it is heathly for partents to undermine each other?

OP posts:
Original poster
boohoobabywho · 16/10/2011 21:58

sorry that should be parents

OP posts:
Original poster
boohoobabywho · 16/10/2011 21:58

oh and healthy

OP posts:
Rindercella · 16/10/2011 22:01

Nope. But then I don't think that by shrugging he particularly undermined you.

And if you think your husband is being harsh in his treatment of your DC then perhaps you should discuss this with him rather than backing him up in front of the children regardless. Admittedly this would preferably be quietly and away from the children. But it's a bit rich to think he should back you in everything you do/say regardless of his opinion when you back him even though you think he is wrong.

MangoMonster · 16/10/2011 22:03

I don't have an opinion on the language used as I'm not sure it's relevant. I understand what you mean about not being right on every decision bit I think it should be discussed away from children and you should try to back each other up unless it's completely against your instinct/morals/principles.

Moominsarescary · 16/10/2011 22:05

there is nothing wrong with banning your dd from treats for a week, she didn't do as she was told so has had her chocolate taken away, it's hardly unreasonable

Your dh should have backed you, especially as IMO the punisent wasn't unreasonable

Rindercella your post seems petty, what does it matter if the op has put BFF and gnd

Original poster
boohoobabywho · 16/10/2011 22:06

the usual pattern of behaviour is that one parent deals with it and the other person backs them up. HOWEVER if either of us think that the other is wrong we usually discuss it outside of earshot of DD.

then the parent has a chance to modify the punishment, in this case it could be, you were naughty by going into GND house when i told you not to but you have been particularly good since then so....... treat/ bikeride, whatever.

I WOULD NEVER UNDERMINE HIM. and i think that he should of supported me. some posters here actually agree with me, once they looked past the spelling and acronyms i used in a fit of outrage, that i didnt want to shout out in front of my DD.

He wasnt actually being very supportive either.... or do you think that its okay to give a kid mixed messages?

OP posts:
Rindercella · 16/10/2011 22:09

But language is important - it is after all our primary method of communication. There were many Confused posters, unable to understand what the heck the OP was on about at first.

However, the OP has said she doesn't use these terms in front of her DD and therefore it is now seems a moot point.

MangoMonster · 16/10/2011 22:12

I just think as it's a forum, people use random acronyms. Don't think anyone uses them in real life.

Rindercella · 16/10/2011 22:13

I would think it was a mixed message to your children to outwardly condone your husband's 'harsh' treatment of your children, all the while believing he is wrong. What sort of message is that to your children? Confused (actually far more Confused by that than by GND or BFF)

Original poster
boohoobabywho · 16/10/2011 22:28

no we USUALLY support one another and help parent between us.

are you always right?
does your husband support you?
is he always right?

OP posts:
nooka · 16/10/2011 22:31

My dd uses BFF all the time, so I just think this is the sort of language someone rather young uses, and I agree that it's not a very good idea because essentially it ranks friendships (which my dd and her friends do at 10/11 and it does lead to all sorts of grief as no one wants to be relegated from BFF to BF etc).

Anyway, on the main point OP why did you feel the need to get validation from your dh? You didn't consult him on whether the punishment was appropriate, so why should he feel the need to enthusiastically endorse your decision. I don't think that there was anything wrong with your punishment, your dd ignored your explicit instructions, and not having her treat for the week seems reasonable.

I don't think that you should feel you always have to back up your dh either, it's not always necessary, and sometimes it is a good idea to have a discussion because sometimes one of you may get it wrong. If I thought my dh was being harsh I would tell him so, and I don't actually think it's a bad thing for children to see their parents disagree, so long as you work your disagreements through. Good modelling.

Original poster
boohoobabywho · 16/10/2011 22:39

i feel that because he didnt wholeheartly agree in front of her, she will see that as a way into the goodie cupboard, whcih does undermine the punishment

I HAD discussed it with him before she came in, but i hadnt decide on the punishment.

Problem is that he picks her up from school and will have ample time to provide something from the goodie cupboard.

if it were the other way round and she tried it with me after i didnt agree with the punishement. I would say to her ... when she asked.. I'm sorry but daddy says your not to have it because.XYZ or whatever. she does know that we dont always agree, she just never gets the opportunity to use this disagreement to her own advantage, because playing parents off against each other isnt healthy.

I would encourage her to talk to him (if i felt that he was beign severe) to discuss the issue.

but i would abosultley never just shrug.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 16/10/2011 23:06

My husband and I used to generally support each other if we were in agreement. However there were times when I felt his treatment wasn't always appropriate and vice versa. We would always pull the other up on it, in a discrete way, to put an end to whatever misdemeanour it may have been (can't remember any actual examples, not really important now). We supported each other, but through that pointed out the other's mistakes.

My advice? Get rid of the goody cupboard.

Birdsgottafly · 16/10/2011 23:17

I would also reconsider the use of food to punish or reward.

Let your DD decide on who her BF is and this may change daily (i have 2 DD's, 1 grown up and 2 teenagers).

You don't have to 'control' everything that she does, sometimes children do spare of the moment stuff, you don't have to come down on them like a ton of bricks, it doesn't mean that she will be out of control at 14, she will learn to make good judgements, if you allow her to.

Birdsgottafly · 16/10/2011 23:17

that should have read 3 DD's.

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