to find this friend too suffocating?

[jollymollie]

A few years ago when dd1 started school I got friendly with a lady who lives near me whose grandson started at the same time. She looks after him full time. We both didn't work so would go shopping together and stuff which is okay as I don't have much in the way of family and we got on relatively well. Thing is she is starting to really irritate me. She rings all the time and seems to want to spend every day when the kids are at school with me, either round at mine having coffee or shopping etc. I keep making excuses that I'm busy but she is so persistent, constantly texting and ringing. I don't mind meeting up occassionally but I'm finding myself having to make up excuses every day when we meet at school as to why I can't spend the majority of the day with her. It is driving me mad! I have started to ignore the phone but she doesn't seem to take the hint. I don't want to be mean but I really need to distance myself. Help!

I have been in exactly this situation with a neighbour. The minute I was home she would be at the door wanting a coffee or wine. It actually started to make me feel ill and depressed. what is weird is actually I am quite a stoppy aggressive person but with her she was clearly lonely, had the marriage from hell and I just didn't want to hurt her feelings.

She took no hints and it was getting worse and worse, then I fell pregnant and insisted once the baby was born she must text me and not ring, knock on the door. Hey presto it worked. I felt able to say sorry busy right now, she moved about 5 years later. She did ask if she could have a key to use my spare room whenever she wanted to come and see her old local friends.... Mmm no !!! But we have had her to stay twice at our convenience.

God, I would hate that so much! I would probably just not answer the door, but know that is not the way to deal with it!

I also have been in the exact situation.

I didn't mind to start with - I think I felt flattered, and I liked sharing private thoughts. But it all got too enmeshed - and I knew it was making me miserable. I needed to think things through on my own without sharing everything with her, and remember feeling very guilty when I stared to ignore phonecalls. She'd got an emotional hold over me.

Finally things came to a head and we had a row. In my case that was the only way to do it. She wasn't happy and I felt the baddie - but in the end I had to walk away to got my life back.

Well you'll soon be working 3 days a week and what about the other 4 days?

Can I suggest that you tell her you'll be using 3 of the 4 non-working to visit family and other friends and the 1 free day you could meet up.

I once heard on MN that you may be in the house at times, but it doesn't mean you're available.

That's just it, she seems to think that if I'm home I'm free when sometimes I just want to be home on my own. Once at work I just can't give up my 2 free days during the week. I think I'll suggest one morning a week, I would be happy with that.....not sure she would though.

Better make it an afternoon, rather than a morning, so that you have an enforced finish time in having to go pick up the kids. Make it a morning and you could find it extends into the afternoon. Just a thought.

Change your mobile number and don't answer the door!

Seriously though, this is my idea of hell. Anyone who thinks YABU has not been in this stifling situation.

You have to set the boundaries and if you have tried politely, and she isn't listening, the time has come to start ignoring calls.

I would. I have no compunction about just not answering the phone if I am at home but busy, stressed already or just not in the mood.

There is no requirement to always answer the bloody thing. It's a tool for convenience and friendship but that's not the same as a weapon and this person sounds almost passive aggressive with what she is doing to you, and has history of doing to others.

It sounds like if you just started ignoring the calls, not answering the door, etc, she might get the hump but she would leave you alone. I'm sorry but under the circs your children's friendship may need to be relegated to school time only, but that's not your fault - it's hers.

None of this is your fault.

"I would. I have no compunction about just not answering the phone if I am at home but busy, stressed already or just not in the mood."

Yes I would feel exactly the same now. But I remember when I had a similar demanding friend, and she had this emotional hold - and I would feel so GUILTY for not being there for her. I remember asking myself - WHY do I feel so damn guilty? Crazy.

This sounds like a ghastly situation. I strongly agree that this woman needs boundaries set. When does she get all her chores/appointments etc done if she's always wanting to be with you?

Use your answering machine, or caller id to find out whether to pick up or ignore. I will not answer a call if I'm in the middle of a meal, but will call back when I'm ready. I can listen to the callers' message and will answer if extremely urgent though.

If you arrange a regular meet-up with her, don't allow her to monopolise any other time and get back into old habits. You can justifiably say that while you are at work you can't take personal calls unless they are really important, you will need to schedule various appointments on non-work days and get all your other jobs done, so you will have less available time to socialise than before. Keep mentioning this every time you see her, until you start work.

I always wonder when she gets all her stuff done. As far as her food shopping goes she always tags along with me. I'm scared to mention i'm going shopping now because she always wants to come too. Her house is always immaculate but her husband is a real clean freak and does most of it himself when he gets in from work. She has the occassional doctors appointment but that's about it really. We booked a fortnights holiday to go away last may and she nearly booked herself on the same holiday but couldn't quite afford it. I was so upset and so relieved when she didn't. She ended up going somewhere else for a week and I felt so free that week not having to constantly think up excuses to not be with her every day. I'm really at the end of my tether with it all now so it really does need to be addressed. Animation, I also feel guilty. I feel guilty every time I ignore the phone, guilty for the lies I tell in order to get some time to myself and sometimes I end up spending the day doing something with her that I really don't want to do because I feel guilty if I say no! Why???

Why???

Bonkers isn't it!!! [hgrin]

This would drive me nuts OP. I would get a second mobile and give number to others. I think you have to be a bit more blunt, without being cruel. Something along the lines of 'I've no idea how you fit everything in ... I find it so stressful being so busy and I would like to have more free time. Let's meet on a Friday from 2-3pm - I'm very sorry but that is all the free time I have'.

i'm going to start from tomorrow. I know first thing in the morning she will be expecting a coffee. I'll just suggest a meet up one afternoon next week (good idea about the school deadline) and just say I'm busy the rest of the week. (wonder how that'll go down!)

How's it going jolly?

We booked a fortnights holiday to go away last may and she nearly booked herself on the same holiday but couldn't quite afford it.

That's creepy!

You obviously want to stay on fairly good terms - how about saying that as you will soon be working you'll be busy getting stuff done on your time off, but you don't want to lose contact so can you arrange a weekly slot?

the holiday thing is a bit mad.

This has almost got to the point of stalking.

Really jolly, I would be quite careful about what you chat about, be vague if she asks about holidays, say you haven't decided etc, and don't say when you're going. If she turns up on your doorstep expecting coffee, don't let her in, say briskly and pleasantly 'I really can't stop, I've got a million things to do.' If you don't give her any information about your activities and when they are going to happen she can't make herself available and try to come with you.

The thing is, you are entitled to have a life of your own, so don't feel guilty otherwise you'll never get anything done. Are you sure she has other friends, they must be pretty annoyed with her if they never see her because she's always with you. Actually, you could say that your friends never see you so much these days, so to be fair to everyone you need to schedule times, especially because you are getting organised before your new job starts.

YANBU. sounds like my worst nightmare. I have a friend who is much milder version (invites herself over and doesn't reciprocate and openly says she wants to be out of her house for as long as possible i.e. at someone else's outstaying her welcome). Sounds really tricky. I hope you manage to set some new boundaries. I am being less available to my friend which is working so far. But i think your friend is going to need talking to directly. Good luck

well, so far so good. I was quite direct with the fact that I would be busy this week after being hassled quite a bit at the weekend. Usually I'm not as forceful. There has only been one phone call (which I ignored ). I am smiley and polite when I see her at school but she I can tell she's not happy. I am at the point where I would rather sacrifice the friendship than have it continue the same way. It has been lovely having some time to myself over the last couple of days

Jolly she was being VU!! I can't believe she just turned up uninvited! I wouldn't do that my closest friends, it's rude and presumptuous!

Well done for standing up for yourself and long may it continue! (I am another happy loner btw, I couldn't hack that at all!!)