How can I help - is it my business to try?

10 replies

gaveitago · 13/10/2011 11:23

My db has decided to divorce his wife after many years of trying to make a bad situation better.
I really do believe he has tried his best and is exhausted. Her family and ours believe that she needs emotional (medical) help but no one has been able to get her to realise that she would feel better if she allowed people in.
Her mother has spent countless hours crying and confiding in our mum- her MIL- and this is not ganging up -it's wanting to help her sort out her chaotic, unhappy world.
Db has said not to talk to her- my other SIL says she hates us (even though we always seem to get on so well) SIL says she sees us in a competitive light even though most people would love to be compared to me as I'd make them look great!
Anyway, she is now alone, with four dcs. I want to offer her support and help, but how.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 13/10/2011 11:26

I'd ignore what other people are telling you and go with your own feelings.

They've got no right to tell you who you can support.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 13/10/2011 11:26

Why is your db saying dont talk to her?

What about loyalty to him? For all you know she could have been beating him.

If keen to go ahead with contact what would happen if you went round for a cup of tea?

Original poster

gaveitago · 13/10/2011 11:33

She was emotionally very hard on him, he jut thinks it would do no good to get involved as he has given up on her changing. I don't think I can work miracals but whatever the situation she is alone and I just want her to know that she can ask it she ever wants to.

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worraliberty · 13/10/2011 11:34

Sounds fair enough to me. Just because they didn't get on, doesn't mean you two won't.

AMumInScotland · 13/10/2011 11:52

I think you need to be sure why he thinks you shouldn't contact her. If he thinks you will make the situation more difficult for him and the children, then I think you should pay attention to that.

OTOH ff he just thinks its a waste of your effort and he doesn't want to see you pour more time and effort into a situation he has given up on, then you need to weigh that up against your desire to try to help someone in need. If you feel you have something to give, then thats up to you.

Original poster

gaveitago · 13/10/2011 12:56

You're right, it might initially make the situation work.
The only thing I have to give is the knowledge for her that we aren't judging and are here for her too, if she wants.
But she might be in the frame of mind to hear "I want to interfer because I'm better than you"

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mumsamilitant · 13/10/2011 14:41

Just offer your support and see if she takes you up on it. It's probably all you can do at present.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 13/10/2011 14:44

Just let her know that you are there for her and then she can take you up on any offer you make if she wants to.

ziggyf · 13/10/2011 14:45

If things are that bad with her, especially with her mental health, then is there someone looking out for her and the children? It's all very well telling you not to contact her but their 4 children may need some support.

Original poster

gaveitago · 13/10/2011 16:41

That's also what I'm worried about.
The house is chaotic and she has fallen out with friends over late picking ups and unreliability. But I would hope that my brother would not leave if he were worried about dcs safety.
They live too far for regular help, but I could offer weekends or moral support- it has been offered many times before and always declined or accepted and then arrangemets broken.
I think I'll just send an email saying "How are you?"
Thanks for comments

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