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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Time spent over Christmas with PIL

39 replies

Prometheus · 13/10/2011 09:59

First post in AIBU so please be gentle.

DH, baby DS and I live abroad (Europe). We travel to the UK every year to spend Christmas one year with DH?s parents in the south and the next year with mine in the north. Whoever we don?t visit for Christmas, we visit for NYE so we see both sets of parents over the Christmas/NYE period.

My parents are divorced so our trip up north entails time spent at my mum?s house and separate time spent at my dads.

We have almost 2 weeks annual leave available for Christmas (this has to include 3 days of travel). I have proposed we spend 4.5 days at my mum?s, 2 days at my dad?s then travel down south and spend 5.5 days with DH?s parents.

DH says this is unfair as it means we spend longer up north. I have pointed out that out of all sets of grandparents, his parents will see DS for the longest as our time up north is split between two houses (my parents live an hour from each other and have no contact).

DH is insisting we cannot spend 5.5 days down south and 6.5 days up north as it isn?t fair (this is despite his parents seeing DS for the longest time out of all grandparents as their time is uninterrupted as luckily for them they are not divorced). Apparently it is not DH?s fault that my parents are divorced and I should accept that this means my parents spend less time with DS.

I am fed up with arguing as he cannot see that my solution is favourable to his parents and the best compromise I can do. AIBU? Maybe my judgement is clouded ? please enlighten me!

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 13/10/2011 11:55

I think your plan is reasonable in the circumstances. However I do see your DH's reasoning - when my DH and I got married, his parents are divorced with still one school-aged child at home so they do alternating Christmases between his parents. DH proposed that we do one year with his mum, one year with his dad and one year with my parents and didn't see that that meant two of every three years with one of his parents.

Luckily I talked to my parents and they don't care at all which day we actually celebrate Christmas - so we are able alternate Christmas Day between his parents, and then a few days around with my parents with a second Christmas on the 28th or so. It will be interesting to see if this holds up when the first GC arrives though...

Original poster

Prometheus · 13/10/2011 11:57

Thanks for the comments. It is about grandparents seeing their first (and only) grandchild really - as much as they would love to see DH and I it really boils down to spending time with the baby.

We see various sets of grandparents throughout the year for visits and spend roughly the same amount of time with them over the course of the year.

DH just seems to have this romantic idea about Christmas and how he should be spending it with his perfect nuclear family. Completely forgetting that a) we are our own family now b) that his parents are not 'my family' and as much as I love them I don't think they should take priority for no other reason than they are his flesh and blood.

OP posts:

diddl · 13/10/2011 11:59

"But the result is that the PIL get to see less of their GC. Why should the PIL get to see less of their GC because the OP's parents are divorced"

How is it?

OPs dad has two days, her mum has 4.5days, ILs have 5.5 days.

Presumably if OPs were together, both sets of parents would 5.5 days-or whatever?

It doesn´t follow that if OPs parents were together that more time would be spent at ILs.

OP-have the ILs ever complained?

DizzyKipper · 13/10/2011 12:00

Yep I agree with you in that Christmas does (or should) change when you have your own family. It is (hopefully) the last year that me and OH will be spending Christmas without a child - we spend the morning with one family and the evening with the other (the very first part of the morning is our own time together though). When we have a child we won't want to keep travelling between the different families, and it will be about "our" family then.

Original poster

Prometheus · 13/10/2011 12:02

Nope - ILs are lovely people and even if they weren't happy they would never say anything. My MIL is lovely. I think if we told them we were coming for 5.5 days they would just be happy to see us (and DS of course) and wouldn't sit down and count the days we were spending in north/south.

OP posts:

eaglewings · 13/10/2011 12:07

I can't believe you are spending so long away and not having time in your own home too! I know every family is different but you sound amazing to even plan this.
We see my lovely in laws for a day, my dad comes over for a day and every 4 years or so we make the 12 hour drive to see my mum for a week, otherwise the time is our own.
5 days is plenty. YANBU

DizzyKipper · 13/10/2011 12:08

"But the result is that the PIL get to see less of their GC. Why should the PIL get to see less of their GC because the OP's parents are divorced?"

They don't have to see any of their GC at all over the Christmas period, it's down to the OP and her partner to decide whether or not they want to travel around the holiday period - particularly as they're coming from abroad. I'm sure many couples would decide the travel was too much and spend the holiday alone at home, meaning both sets of GP miss out. So it really isn't a case of the PILs seeing less of their children, they are getting to see their GC - the other GPs are not taking away from that by asking to have an equal amount of time spent with the GC.

blackteaplease · 13/10/2011 12:09

how old is your pfb? I only ask as mine was one at Christmas last year and we spent 2 nights at PIL, 1 night at BIL, back to PIL for 2 nights then off to a cottage for 3 nights at new year. It was a bloody nightmare as dd got really unsettled.

Is there any chance you could do half at your mums, half at your PILs and have your dad come over to visit you? An hour isn't that much to drive to see you.

I do agree that you shouldn't commit to doing this every year.

Maryz · 13/10/2011 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArtVandelay · 13/10/2011 12:20

The whole thing sounds exhausting. You deserve a medal - its like the visiting Olympics!

Your DH sounds very U. What on earth is he going to gain by one extra day (except for a pissed off wife)? Very silly.

diddl · 13/10/2011 12:28

Could I just ask-does anyone ever visit you?

Sounds to me as if you need some new traditions starting-unless you´re happy to keep travelling for the foreseeable future!

PicaK · 13/10/2011 17:40

Maybe your MIL thinks 5.5 days is plenty!

There's so little difference between 5.5 days and 6.5 days that he does seem to be over reacting. Is he missing his mum a lot?

Hulababy · 13/10/2011 17:48

Your DH is over reacting imo. It's one day! And as it stands his parents will see more of the baby than each of the other grandparents anyway.

FlubbaBubba · 13/10/2011 17:56

You are being a saint, and your DH is being a prat. It's only half a day you're talking about in the end, because if you evened it out, that's how much more your ILs would have!

It's so hard pleasing all of the people all of the time. I'm plucking up the courage to break with tradition when I see my ILs at half-term! :)

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