Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be so upset/ incensed

49 replies

HormonallyMine · 13/10/2011 06:06

I have 2 DC's and am 7 months pregnant with the 3rd. I work part time and am actively involved in a charity, DC1 is SN, DC2 is sickly and has just come out of hospital and sleep deprivation is getting to me.

Last night, DH, who is a high flyer, went out after work and got in around 1am. DC2 requires medicating and feeding in the night and it now appears, that apparently, there was an unspoken agreement that i do all the night time looking after that i had no idea existed. At 4 am, exhausted by both children, i went and found DH in the spare room and told him i was exhausted and it was his turn. Half an hour later, i could still hear the baby crying and went to investigate. DH hadn't given his medicine or his milk and the poor little thing was crying. "I didn't know" despite having done it hiself two nights previously. "Why did you wake me up, night time is your responsibility". So, a full scale row which, i'm embarrassed to say i ended with telling him to fuck off and i was going to call a lawyer first thing today.

To not drip feed, we're not particularly happy but i want to keep the family together as he is usually a good father.

I'm just so angry that he thought his needs completely outshine mine because he goes to an office. I am beyond exhausted and just don't get any recognition for it.

OP posts:

larrygrylls · 13/10/2011 10:46

I can really see both sides of this one.

I too was in finance and it can be very stressful. I can see that you have a really tough time but can also see that, if you have come in at 1AM from entertaining clients, you are hardly going to be able to perform the next day if you are awoken at 4AM to look after your child.

You both need to (separately) write down on a piece of paper what you believe would be fair and see how far apart you are. You also need to consider how much help you want and/or need as you can clearly afford it. Then you need to have an adult discussion and find some middle ground. Maybe you can get a nanny for a few hours a day and catch up on sleep, for instance. The thing is, would you be happy if your husband were unable to sustain his high-flying career due to lack of sleep?

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 13/10/2011 10:46

op it sounds like you are very comfortably off, would you consider hiring a night nanny for a couple of nights a week so you and your DH are free'd of child care and can do something together?

GrumpyInRepose · 13/10/2011 10:55

You can't really assume it's 'entertaining clients' larrygrylls unless I've missed where it's been said. Though getting drunk is not required for that, it's a pleasant side effect. It's fun. certainly more fun than pacing the floor with a poorly child at 4 am.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 13/10/2011 10:58

If he is earning that much then can you get some more help organised so that you aren't run ragged?

larrygrylls · 13/10/2011 11:01

Grumpy,

I have done both. It can be fun, it can be a real bore. And I do think when I am dealing with a whingey 2 year old at 4 am that I prefer a toddler tantrum from a toddler than a 30+ year old banker!

bemybebe · 13/10/2011 11:02

ffs, hire a night nanny temporarily. it is better than being at each other throats.

squeakytoy · 13/10/2011 11:04

If he earns that much, you can afford two nannys...

bemybebe · 13/10/2011 11:07

i worked on a trading floor as sales and believe me, it takes very very little to make a multimillion dollar mistake because of lack of sleep.

if he looses his job because of that (and I have seen people loosing their jobs because of 1-2 serious mishaps) repercussions for the family will be huge.

GrumpyInRepose · 13/10/2011 11:16

maybe so Larry but it looks like oP is getting both - from her toddler and her 30+ husband.

the root of it is her husband assuming that his rest is more important than hers because his contribution to family life is more important than hers. Chucking money at the problem in the form of night nurses won't change that baseline attitude.

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 13/10/2011 11:54

grumpy I would agree with you- there is an issue of the Dh in the situation not valuing the op, but I think having some additional help would alleviate the problem somewhat and give the couple time to work on their problems free from being sleep deprived and resentful.

Original poster

HormonallyMine · 13/10/2011 12:13

Thanks for all your replies. This is a good place to come and vent. Booking a night nanny for the nights before i work for 2 of the nights a week until i stop before the birth. I may even keep her on..

He was out with work but he was the client. His response was uncharacteristic and i think he was resentful. To be clear, the kids went back down after the baby settled until 6.30 so he would have got his two extra hours if he had just listened to his child and given the drugs and the milk. That's why i was cross as it's become apparent that only i seem to have instinct/ knowledge on how to deal with the kids.

There are areas for improvement from both sides.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 13/10/2011 12:41

I am going to say this, and no doubt will be shouted down in flames, but if he had been at work all day, then working (albeit in an entertainment setting) till 1am, and had to be up and off to work at 6am, I wouldnt expect someone to get out of bed either.. if it were me i would be dead to the world for those few hours.

I am also going to ask, if you are "not particularly happy" together, why are you having another child together, or is this a recent thing that can be sorted out?

eeyore2 · 13/10/2011 12:51

A cheaper alternative here given you are comfortably off and seven months pregnant is get a part time nanny/babysitter for a few hours in the day time so that you can have a really good nap. Then it will be easier to get up at night. Also if you are comfortably off you might have room for an au pair? Again could help you to nap during the day and help out a bit with the kids. Congrats on starting work again, sounds like you are really enjoying it - I'm sure these teething problems will be ironed out soon.

mistlethrush · 13/10/2011 12:58

I agree - you have a nanny - get him to agree to more hours (if the nanny can do that) so that you can actually get some rest if necessary during the day. Night nanny also sounds a good idea.

LizzieMo · 13/10/2011 13:08

Personally I don't care about who agreed what, the bottom line is that you are seven months pregnant with his child, and he needs to help you get some rest. End of. Tell him to stop swanning around like a teenage boy with no responsibilities and pull his effing finger out!!!

Original poster

HormonallyMine · 13/10/2011 13:24

He just called and was massively apologetic about staying out so late when he knew we were under pressure. He just wanted to left off steam, which i do too, so i understood. So, peace is restored.

OP posts:

hells1908 · 13/10/2011 13:30

Hormonally I think you are a surprisingly sane individual given I am only 4 months with twins and my DS is 17 YEARS and I am still feeling hard done by...(like aced an interview yesterday, for a contract till my due date which is about 10 squillion pounds and so cushty that it's exactly the right period, then cleared the entire house - we're selling it and moving somewhere bigger because of the twins on their way - to get new carpets laid today, DP had been at an interview in Paris, came back at 1am UTTERLY trollied, didn't get up till 14 mins before the fitters were due and had the gall to snarl at me about damaging our babies by my lifting everything already, wtf was I meant to do, I also had to go off to Tesco to get more cardboard boxes, cash for the fitters at 7am, again I shouldn't have done that, he could have driven, but he left the car at the station last night - thankfully - because of how much he'd drunk...)

Onwards and upwards. I think it IS tricky when both of you are used to relatively high powered/stressy jobs. Not that motherhood ain't stressy. Not to depress any of you but still hard with 17 year old - this morning in the midst of all this he was complaining he'd not slept a wink because of DP's drunken snoring echoing through the floorboards and he had mostly free periods today and could he just scive...NO!!!

Rant over.

It's just family life, isn't it. And OP it doesn't sound TOO dissimilar. So, give and take, yes? Stand your ground, make your demands (little bit of night time care and that includes covering for the two of you having a weekly date night methinks - clear that beneath everything you love him muchly, as do I - mine that is, not yours ;)).

But your comments about careers, finance, salary gap etc...DS made me laugh when he came back from school the other day (he's doing Politics, Philosophy and History and wants to advise companies, governments etc on ethics when he graduates from uni) to announce that, when it came to feminism, he thought it would be better to concentrate on other continents because in the UK 'it's all pretty much equal now, isn't it?'

Er, no. When men start having children, maybe. Or when I take a break from work to have kids I can rejoin on the exponential salary graph at the point I would have been had I not taken the time off.

I will make him read this thread to make the point!

WilsonFrickett · 13/10/2011 13:35

hells make him read the entire bleddy site

Andrewofgg · 13/10/2011 14:54

hells1908 You were right, so right, until this bit

Or when I take a break from work to have kids I can rejoin on the exponential salary graph at the point I would have been had I not taken the time off.

Er, no. You come back where you left. Your colleagues (regardless of gender) who did not leave have been acquiring experience and that is why they moved up the graph.

hells1908 · 13/10/2011 18:01

andrew you cheeky sod you! In quite a few lines of work, no matter how high powered, you get a wee bit of experience at home too...for example, I'm in marketing, and the vast majority of brands in this country are targeted at...25-54 ABC1 women with kids. I think I may understand them more than some of my colleagues.

I think I should actually move UP the graph!

ToothbrushThief · 13/10/2011 18:04

I'm with Andrew on this tbh

Whilst I may have gained 'transferable skills' whilst having babies I accept returning at the grade I left on.

Andrewofgg · 13/10/2011 19:22

Well hells1908 there may be some jobs like yours - although if you were marketing adult men's clothes it might be different. And most jobs are not like that.

And there are some skills which cease to be marketable in the time it takes to get from First Bump to All At School. I've mentioned before the woman who used to work in my office as a full-time telex operator (yes, telex!). When she looked for a job with us after a nine-year break telex was a memory, and we were sending our own faxes - this was before email. And of course typing was by then known as "keyboarding" and had been deskilled. Since typing and telex were all the skills she had there was no job for her. She might have been retrained for something else but why her more than any other applicant?

Sorry, a bit off-topic, but perhaps a useful corrective!

Andrewofgg · 13/10/2011 19:23

Oh and I stand by my original coarse remark of 7.43.58 today.

ToothbrushThief · 13/10/2011 19:38

I strongly believe that women should not be penalised for taking maternity leave to cope with childbirth. This is usually short lived in time and most people will return without any detriment to their career.... I hope!

If a parent takes time out to stay at home until the children start school for example - I think this is choice. It is possible to work with children. It is choice to stay at home. Either parent can be the SAHP. It's a choice made by parents and both parents need to recognise the effect on their careers. I'd expect a DP to acknowledge the hit on my career or I'd expect to be more financially responsible if my DP was the SAHP.

To say you have transferable skills is 'in your opinion' Back packing around the world will give you lots of skills but people would be a bit if you expected a promotion for it?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread