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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have ExP stay xmas eve so we and DS can open gifts together

24 replies

MrsMooo · 12/10/2011 13:03

ExP and I seperated at the begining of July, VERY amicable 90% of the time with a few incidences of him being a total cockwomble

DS was two in August so will be 2.4 at Christmas

ExP has very kindly agreed that if I want to go to my family a 100+ miles 4 hours round trip away he will come there to drop off/pick up DS on Xmas day if I cover petrol costs (which I think is a very kind offer and v.reasonable of him)

But has also suggested we could open gifts together xmas morning at my home

Now I quite like this idea, we've had a few joint outings with DS that have gone well and I don't relish the idea of spending time with exP (no chance of reconciling) I don't hate spending time with him either

I thought that he could come over xmas eve, stay in the spare room then open gifts with DS in the morning, and take him to his Mum's about 11.30 when he's due a nap and bring him back boxing day.

This would mean I'd be alone for Xmas lunch/evening, but I have a friend who I could go to (another single Mum) and actually quite like the idea of vegging out in front of the TV by myself TBH

When I've mentioned this to my family, they've all said I'm BvvvvvU to even consider having ExP stay Xmas eve and that it will be traumatic (I kid you not exact word used) and confusing for DS

So AIBU to want a "family" Xmas morning? should I ingore my family or take exP up on his kind offer to do lots of driving?

I genuinely don't know here and am totally willing to accept I am BU

OP posts:

mrskeithlemon · 12/10/2011 13:07

YABNU. Do what will make you and your dc happy

cheekeymonster · 12/10/2011 13:07

I think that is a really kind thing to do a) for your child who will love it and b) for your exp - ditto.
You are the parent and these should be your decisions - not someone else's.

CrossEyed · 12/10/2011 13:08

YANBU. It sounds like a great solution.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 12/10/2011 13:09

Well for a start, you are obviously not being unreasonable because you are thinking carefuly about what's best for your son.

I do actually think it could be confusing for your ds though. He is young, it could confuse him.

Why can't your ex open Christmas presents when he drops ds off with you at your family get together?

Re your family, they've said their piece and now they need to butt out. He's your son, not theirs and you two are adults who can make your own minds up.

chicletteeth · 12/10/2011 13:10

As long as all though directly involved are ok with it, YANBU.
Your parents opinion is a bit OTT

chicletteeth · 12/10/2011 13:10

all those

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 12/10/2011 13:16

But you and your exP are still both your DS's family so I think a 'family' morning is a lovely idea.

You've listened to your parents, you've reflected on it and you disagree.

Do what's best for you and your DS.

HeadlessForHocusPocus · 12/10/2011 13:18

If you, exP and your dc are happy with this arrangement that's all that matters. YANBU.

corinewmoon · 12/10/2011 13:20

My ex H will be staying Christmas eve as he did last year. It may be a little confusing for DC but its not traumatic.

squeakytoy · 12/10/2011 13:20

Sounds like a very sensible solution to me.

HerdOfTinyElephants · 12/10/2011 13:26

YANBU. And I love the term cockwomble so YA even more NBU.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 12/10/2011 13:26

That sounds lovely actually after all the twatty posts you read about ex's and Christmas plans. Well done to you and your ex for being able to do this without being petty etc
FWIW parents willing to do this is a lot less traumatic on the child than having parents who refuse to be in the room together

ChippingIn · 12/10/2011 13:32

LOL at Cockwomble A bit like Uncle Buglaria only a little more - ahem - upstanding.

I think it sounds like a good idea - as long as you trust him to sleep in the spare room and not take it as an invitation to visit you in the middle of the night or to think that this means you might want to get back together!!

DS is 2.4 - he is neither going to be confused nor traumatised by it - he'll probably barely notice that his Dad is there, when he isn't usually, when faced with a pile of presents

Maybe your family are trying to put you off so you go up to them?

FiniteIncantatem · 12/10/2011 13:32

My ex and I are amicable and I would happily have him to stay on Xmas eve. He tends not to because my mother is usually here (and she's hard work) but he does come and spend some of christmas day with us instead.
My ex does sometimes stay over in the spare room and it doesn't seem to confuse dd- she loves the excitement of being able to go and jump on him in the morning
Do what suits you, it's only one night and your ex will be in the spare room, children don't tend to over think these things.

Vibrant · 12/10/2011 13:34

Last year I went out for a meal with xh and dsd on Christmas Eve, and although we slept in different houses, they came back again on Christmas morning for presents with myself and dd. And we were amicable maybe 30% of the time. I did it for the girls. I thought I would really have to grin and bear it, but it was actually very pleasant.

There were people who thought I was mad to even contemplate it, but I think that was their stuff getting in the way. I had seen what dsd went through with things being really acrimonious between her mum and her dad and there was no way I was going to put dd through that, and dsd a second time (we are very close). And if that meant that for a few hours I could put up with him being in my home, then I would do that. And as it turned out it really was no hardship.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 12/10/2011 13:36

Cockwombles could be the adult remake perhaps

diddl · 12/10/2011 13:37

Sounds fine to me.

If it would be confusing, maybe he could come round early in the morning instead of sleeping over?

I think that the driving sounds a lot, but I can´t help thinking that nearer the time you might not want to be alone.

Could you go to you your parents when he goes to his mum with your son?

Maryz · 12/10/2011 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iscream · 12/10/2011 13:41

YANBU. If you get along, why not?

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 12/10/2011 13:42

I think you should go with your heart. A christmas alone isn't that bad...it can be lovely actually. Watch all the crap and eat your own M&S treats! Bottle of wine....nice bath...a real holiday!

Vibrant · 12/10/2011 13:42

I was also on my own on Christmas day evening and it was great.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 12/10/2011 13:43

It wont be confusing. His Mum and Dad are his two best people...he's 2! He won't think "Hmm...wonder if Mum and Dad are getting it on again."

he'll think YAY! Mum and Dad are here.!

ScreamingHeebieCJs · 12/10/2011 13:46

I think you are being very reasonable and considerate of both your DS and your exH.

However - think about the future and what possible precedents you are setting. I did this when recently split from exH, and it worked quite well, mostly amicably for a couple of years. I'm now in a position where I'm with a new DP, and I have to broach the possibility of exH not being with us on Christmas Day - it's time for us to take it in turns. I feel as if I've dug myself into a tricky hole, even though I did it with the best of intentions.

I would advise you to be very clear that arrangements have to be adaptable according to circumstances. Of course you both want your DS to be happy - and incidentally, as long as you're clear about you not being together when he asks questions about it, I think you can minimise any potential confusion - and you both want to be with him at Christmas. But make sure you are clear that this may not be possible further down the line.

worraliberty · 12/10/2011 13:49

Goodness me at age 2.4 everything's confusing...especially waking up in the morning and having a load of fab new toys!

It sounds like a great idea. The only thing I would be wary of is repeating it the following year (if the chance arises) because it's probably not a good idea to get your DS used to having both parents on Xmas morning if it's not going to continue that way.

Loving 'Cock Womble'...it's now my favourite word!

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