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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about people who announce deaths on facebook??

59 replies

citruslemon · 12/10/2011 10:26

My aunt died late last night. She had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and just yesterday the doctor told us she was unlikely to make it through the weekend. She died peacefully with her family (including my mum) around her.

Now I get up this morning to see that two members of my extended family have written about this as their fb status. My aunt was in her 70s and didn't know the first thing about computers. These two distant relatives don't live in the same city as my aunt and I doubt they had ever met her more than a handful of times. They are so distantly related that even I don't understand how they're related. But I think EVEN if they has been closely related this isn't right is it?? AIBU to think that things like this should not be your fb status??

OP posts:

Craftyfox · 12/10/2011 12:21

Personally my daughter has some health issues and a variety of operations. long story short I've used fbook to let people know she's (thank god) ok after ops. Mainly as I knew everyone was worried and concerned and although I understood their concern I actually couldn't speak to people as I'd gone through the emotional wringer a bit at the time. Grief affects people differently, I'm sure you're hurting but they too have lost someone and are probably looking for an outlet for their sorrow.

tryingtoleave · 12/10/2011 12:25

I put on fb that my mother died. I had lots of friends who I wanted to know but I couldn't cope with calling people and telling them. A lot wouldn't have found out any other way. I could have emailed people, I suppose, but it seemed weirder to me to send out a group email on such a subject and if I did it individually it would, again, have been too emotionally exhausting.

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny · 12/10/2011 12:28

Its a tricky thing to judge. Sometimes I think it it probably a reasonable thing to do as sympathy comments may start appearing even if the death as not been announced on FB so it may be better to simply announce the death in a status. Also as Riven says it could be less intrusive than needing to make lots of phone calls. In your situation though I think the relatives are so distant it is a bit odd and perhaps attention seeking, although maybe this is just a natural reaction to death.

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 12:28

I think it is different when you are the person who is primarily concerned. It would be wrong, for example, if your second cousin decided to announce on FB that your mum had died before you had had the chance to think about how you wanted people you know to find out.
I don't think you need an emotional outlet when someone you have met twice has died. If you do then you should have more tact and consider the sensibilities of close relatives before you put it all over the internet.

WinterIsComing · 12/10/2011 12:31

A close friend's father died suddenly last year and he put it on FB. He said that he realised that it wasn't the most appropriate platform for announcing this but that repeating the same information to so many people (very sociable chap, loads of friends) was getting very distressing. Fair enough IMO.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2011 12:33

"There are plenty of weddings and births announced on fb, is this also wrong or because it is a happy event it is ok?"

There have been plenty of upset threads on MN from people who felt their friend or relative should have contacted them in person rather than find out about a pregnancy, birth or a marriage on FB. When it comes to very personal matters, it's all down to giving things a bit of thought and considering others' feelings.... not just the emotional incontinence mentioned earlier of 'hit send and think later'.

TheBride · 12/10/2011 12:33

I don't think you need an emotional outlet when someone you have met twice has died.

Exactly. You might better spend your time contemplating why you're an attention seeking twat. These are always the same people who get drunk, have a fight with their friend, and then go home and post something like

"I thought I was a good person, but the way I've been treated tonight makes me think I must be horrible"

just so they get 100 messages saying "There not worth it hun" [sic]

paddypoopants · 12/10/2011 12:43

YANBU. It is up to the immediate family how they inform friends and relatives of a death- either by phone, email, facebook, in person - it is their call -with all due sensitivity given to those close to the deceased ie tell them before they put it on their facebook page.
It is however, insensitive, tasteless and crass of anyone else to pass this information along on their status. If they think someone should know they need to send them a message.

CumpyGrunt · 12/10/2011 12:48

My kids found out my Dad had died on FB.

He'd gone at 10pm when the kids were already in bed & DS2 had a big assembly that he'd been practising for the next am at school.

It wasa Friday & it was decided to let them go to school & then tell them that afternoon.

Unfortunately DS2 went on a school computer at lunchtime & found out because my niece had put it on FB.

SamMiguel · 12/10/2011 12:48

OP, is your Auntie from Scotland by any chance?

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 12:57

cumpygrunt how awful for your ds. This illustrates my point about people thinking before they post these things on facebook.
Although how your ds was able to access fb at school is interesting, most counties have blocked it ages ago.

The niece posting something a few days later about your dad would have been entirely different.

ivykaty44 · 12/10/2011 12:58

not just the emotional incontinence mentioned earlier

For some that is how their emotions works, you will never be able to change other peoples emotions any more than you can change your own.

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 13:02

People who suffer from emotional incontinence ought to consider that perhaps some people are affected by the situation more than them?

The cases mentioned where bereaved people have used facebook to spread the word about the death of a parent or child to their wider circle of friends are entirely understandable. By that point nobody in close family is going to turn on their computer or press a button on their phone and get a notification that their sister has died or something. As has been mentioned by Riven, it is a way of spreading the word about the funeral whilst being able to leave the family to grieve in peace.

The OPs situation is entirely different. People who are barely affected are just attention seeking.

TheBride · 12/10/2011 13:02

You can't change how you feel, but you can change how you react to those feelings.

No-one has to say "Oh my God, I'm so distraught. I must go and update my status on FB"

CheeseandGherkins · 12/10/2011 13:04

When we found out our daughter had died in December last year I put it on facebook, lots of people knew I was pregnant and I really didn't fancy having to call/email relatives that live hundreds of miles away and that I wouldn't see soon but would ask about the baby as I was 37 weeks pregnant. I also didn't want to be asked at school etc. It was hard enough to get through without any of that. I had to be induced as well so was asking for advice about it as I was scared and had never been induced before. Maybe I shouldn't have started a thread on here about it either... Obviously just attention seeking.

4 days after she died I gave birth to her and the support and advice I received from here was invaluable. It got me through that awful time knowing that people were thinking about us and wishing us well. The worst had already happened but I still had to go through the labour and the people that helped and commented really did make a difference to me that day.

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 13:10

No cheeseandgherkins you were not attention seeking. I said that people who are barely affected that do this are attention seeking. Clearly, as someone who has lost a child, you are the person who is most severely affected and you have the right to do whatever makes it easier for you in those circumstances. I'm very sorry for your loss and of course you wanted people to know so you didn't get insensitive comments or questions.

That isn't the same as posting stuff on facebook about the death of someone you have met twice, before the family has even had a whole day to finish making their phone calls.

TheBride · 12/10/2011 13:20

Yes, can I just make it clear that I am not talking about immediate family wishing to notify everyone at once that they've suffered a bereavement. In that case, FB is a useful tool as you're not going to be up to group emails.

I'm talking about people who are peripheral to the whole thing putting up FB statuses saying "So sad. [person I barely know] has died. RIP. You are with Jesus and the angels now"

without thinking that the (possibly atheist) immediate family may not be very happy about that at all.

Faffalina · 12/10/2011 13:35

People that barely know the deceased are being inappopriate and insensitive.

cheeseandgherkins No, as you are her mother it was your call how to tell people, and maybe you would have been upset if someone that barely knew you used your loss as their status on FB? Sorry for the loss of your little girl.

Lylah · 12/10/2011 14:25

TheBride: I'm talking about people who are peripheral to the whole thing putting up FB statuses saying "So sad. [person I barely know] has died. RIP. You are with Jesus and the angels now"

Very good point. There's a huge difference between that kind of blatant attention-seeking and someone who is genuinely seeking support and/or needs to inform others of a tragic event for practical purposes.

Mind you, I'm still not entirely comfortable with subjects such as bereavement being nestled amongst postings of what people had for lunch or the latest Simon's Cat video.

I guess the relationship of the person posting is of crucial importance. Going back to "There are plenty of weddings and births announced on fb, is this also wrong or because it is a happy event it is ok?", just imagine how inappropriate/annoying it would be if a second cousin (or similar) announced one's pregnancy/wedding to the online world!

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 12/10/2011 14:29

Yeah, like when a certain person announced I had had DS to the world before I managed to get out of hospital and do it myself. I'm fine about it now though......no, really

janedoe25 · 12/10/2011 14:29

YANBU, my sis and sil had plastered all over fb that my baby girl had died before I had even given birth to her! I was furious when I found out.

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 14:30

Yes I would be livid if i announced my pregnancy to my family and then one of my cousins decided to put it on facebook before I had made an online announcement myself. Or when the baby is born, I will be fuming if anyone else apart from me decides to make a facebook declaration of how happy they are about it before we have spread the word ourselves.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 12/10/2011 14:36

I know why you dont like it OP but I agree with riven.

Its how some of hear about children we know but have not met or seen for a long time. I had to get used to hearing about deaths via text, now its FB.

I dislike the overstating their involvement thing very much though.

I got v.annoyed when a close friend announced I had given birth before i did! She is utterly lovely and a very good friend so I let it pass. I put it down to excitement. (my family already knew)

KatAndKit · 12/10/2011 14:38

janedoe that is shocking. I am not surprised that you were furious. And I'm sorry about your little girl too.

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 12/10/2011 14:39

Mrs DeVere But I think what everyone is saying is that it's fine for the immediate family to do it, but not for some random person with an obscure relationship with the deceased.

eg if your child died, and someone from their nursery class' mum announced it on FB as their little tragedy for the day, and then you had to see all the comments along the lines of "Aw, hun, you ok?" you'd be fuming.

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