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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to help at night?

23 replies

jubblicious · 11/10/2011 13:00

I'm so annoyed! I'm 5 months pregnant and our DS is 11 months. He has a really bad nappy rash which he's had for the past day or so. The skin is raw and very red. He also had got diarrhea. I've spent the last night up every 40 minutes to change his nappy. It's not great as his nappy rash makes it worse. In the meantime, DH is sleeping through all of this. He came in twice at the end when DS was crying his eyes out, but that's it.

Aibu to expect DH to offer to help, rather than leave it all on me?

OP posts:
loveglove · 11/10/2011 13:01

YANBU. His kid too - if he didn't want to deal with night nappy rash he shouldn't have played hide the sausage without a skin.

tryingtoleave · 11/10/2011 13:05

Is your ds pooing every 40 min? That sounds serious.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 13:06

yep...he should be doing his share...sleep deprivation is a form of torture in some countries! ...you should be sharing the burden...if his excuse is that he needs his sleep because he goes out to work...just remind him that you stay in and work you dont get any lunch breaks and your childs safety hangs on your job.

Original poster
jubblicious · 11/10/2011 13:09

I have an appointment at the doctors this afternoon. I'm so tired.

I just don't understand how it's always the mums responsibility to be up all the time. It's his DS too

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/10/2011 13:11

Violet - it depends on what job DH does!! My DH is a builder and works off high ladders sometimes......it is dangerous for him to be sleep deprived so when DS was a baby I did the night shifts during the week and he would help out weekends.

mumofthreekids · 11/10/2011 13:11

Couples divide up the night shift in various different ways. I nearly always get up with the kids as I seem to need less sleep than my dh, but he helps on a really bad night. Come up with some ground rules for what will work for you both (esp if the new baby turns out to be a poor sleeper).

Is he a heavy sleeper? He may genuinely have been asleep and not realised what a terrible night you were having??

seeker · 11/10/2011 13:15

Depends very much on what he does during the day. When mine were little dp did a long commute by car- I certainly didn't want him doing that without enough sleep.

And I always had the sofa and cbeebies option during the day, which isn't availqblenin the average merchant bank!

KatAndKit · 11/10/2011 13:17

It isn't called "helping" when it is your own child, it is called "doing your fair share of parenting".

AbbyAbsinthe · 11/10/2011 13:19

I'll probably get flamed for this.... but if your DH goes to work in the morning, and you don't then I think YABU.

I know it must be hard work though, and I hope your DS gets better soon.

Original poster
jubblicious · 11/10/2011 13:19

I rarely ask DH for help during the night. But when the baby is ill I would have thought that he would help.

His commute is only half an hour, and yes his day can be long and tiring, but looking after an unwell baby isn't easy either

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 11/10/2011 13:21

Yanbu, absolutely not.

pozzled · 11/10/2011 13:33

YANBU, but is your DH actually sleeping through it? He can't help if he doesn't even know you're awake and dealing with DS.

I'd have a chat with your DH before you go to bed tonight and see if you can agree a solution e.g. you have an early night and he is responsible for nappy duty until midnight, or you will wake him when you are exhausted, or you will do the night wakings if he deals with DS in the morning so you can lie in until he leaves for work.

In the meantime, if you are at home get as much rest as you can- use Cbeebies and naptime, and sod the housework.

notso · 11/10/2011 13:36

I never expect DH to do night feeds as he drives long distances and it is a worry if he is tired. However if DC are ill then it's a bit different and yes I do expect him to take a turn. I usually suggest he stays up a bit later 'on duty' and I go to bed earlier so both of us get a better stretch of unbroken sleep.

Your poor DS by the way sounds awful for him. Hope he is better soon.

kelly2000 · 11/10/2011 13:39

YANBU,
Next time DS cis crying, wake DH up and tell him to see to him. Why should you work 24 hours a day, surely it is not good to be tired and looking after a baby.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 13:59

bettyswollock...sorry my point was that its better to both be a little tired than for one of the parents to be so sleep deprived they can no longer function.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 14:00

if both are taking part in night care...neither will be completely sleep deprived...shifts or turns can ensure sufficient sleep for building or caring for a baby.

violet79 · 11/10/2011 14:03

seeker...you were lucky my children were alot more demanding...if i sat down my eldest would be up the walls or climbing out the windows...but this just shows that the care needs to be adapted to the needs of the famikly...but i still cant see why the father couldnt do a shift to allow the mother to sleep and still not loose a significant ammount of sleep...for example...mother sleeps 8 till midnight, thats 4 hours...and father sleeps rest of night...some 7 hours? with mother getting naps between wakings...it can be done whatever the jobs.

emma0134 · 11/10/2011 14:14

Sorry for sounding harsh but I think you should be more concerned about your child then yourself.

Dehydration can be very serious for a baby, but your going to the doctors because your tired!

I would have been ringing the out off hours doctor ages ago.

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 11/10/2011 14:20

Thats a bit harsh, she didnt say shes going to the doctors because shes tired! Hmm

OP, YANBU. As others have said, you could take it in turns and neither of you would then be exhausted, just both a managable amount of tired :)

naturalbaby · 11/10/2011 14:23

have you asked him?!

my dh just doesn't hear my kids untill they've been shouting/crying for ages, i wake up at the first squeak. now they're older and there is more than one of them, he hears the older ones and gets up leaving me snoring and oblivious.

generally whoever wakes up first sorts them out, there's no point both of us waking/getting up when we're exhausted as it is.

MrsMooo · 11/10/2011 15:02

is he even waking up? Sounds obvious but DH often slept though cries as I was used to waking for them and he wasn't.

And have you asked him to help? Did you agree that you would cover night wakings?

If you have and he's lying there awake, and is getting a bus to a desk job in the morning then YANBU

If he's getting vital sleep due to having a long commute/manual job he needs to be alert for then YABU I'm afraid.

mummytotwoboys · 11/10/2011 17:32

It depends tbh. are you both at work? Sounds silly and people will say he should be doing his fair share but when my DH has to be up at 5 to go to work and I can basically hang around in my jammies doing nowt the day after there is no way I would expect him to get up in the night. I do have to be up now to take the eldest one to school, but I can always zombie that one and bring the two babies home and crash out till 3 so in our house, its me who gets up and thats fine. I would say if you arent working then YABU to expect him to do his bit except at weekends. If you are both working then YANBU and he should be doing his share.

Original poster
jubblicious · 11/10/2011 17:35

Ok, DH has redeemed himself. He took care of DS while getting ready for work, fed him his milk and brought me coffee and toast in bed.Smile

OP posts:
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