to marvel at how unfeeling and self-centred dcs can be?

[elfiro]

Or maybe they are normal and I'm just being a bit sensitive. They are 10 and almost 9.

My mum just phoned to say my Grandma has gone into hospital. She is 93 and they think she had some internal bleeding. Not good. Now we live on the other side of the world from them so I knew when she phoned my mobile that it was something important, as it's seriously expensive to phone that way.

DS was hovering while I was on the phone, then asked me where his DSi charger was. I said I didn't know and that his Great Grandma is ill and in hospital. He replied "I think your Grandma is going to die." I said that's not a very helpful or nice thing to say and he shrugged and said "Well, sorry, but she IS really old. Do you know where my charger is?"

Then I told DD that she wouldn't be able to skype with her Grandparents as planned today, and why, and she pulled a really grumpy hard-done-by face.

Ohhhh....they are lovely aren't they.

Tbh I find the ds response a bit worrying......almost cruel.

Sorry I don't think its worrying or cruel at all. Your DC's don't really get yet how devastating serious illness and death is. In the past when early death was more common Dcs would have learned about death with classmates, friends and relatives dying. Nowdays most DC have little experience of death.

The OP says their tortoise disappeared (don't know if it is alive or not) and a GP died who they weren't close to, but they were a bit sad about this. OP finds it hard to show feelings related to death.

So they haven't learned yet about the impact emotionally of death either from personal experience or from watching parents/loved others grapple with this. It may seem obvious to us as adults that death has an enormous impact emotionally; but DC have to learn this. It isn't something they are born knowing.

And in our society we don't really talk about death so they don't even hear about the theory of it.

I think also as my grandma is so far away, it's hard for them to imagine her sick or (if the worst were to happen) not there anymore, because they don't see her very often anyway.

When their other great-grandparents died we just said they were very old and their body wore out and now they have died and gone to heaven. DS was quite little then so he won't remember us being sad I don't think.

Anyway hopefully she will be ok for longer, she is pretty tough actually.

Don't be offended. My DM has end of life dementia and the kids have behaved pretty badly even though they used to see her regularly. It is much like my mum's condition, she lost all her inhibitions a long time ago and clearly shares that bond with them both...

Despite all this, my eldest GS asked to see her at weekend and it was so touching to see him go up to her room and look into her face and say "Hello Great Nana", she looked at him and responded "Hello love" the first words she has used in weeks. He says he wanted to say goodbye. Kids tell it like it is and it is not always what you want to hear.

I remember when my Grandma died.

My Dad came to visit to break the news (divorce situation).

I could see he was visibly upset ,so for some reason I asked him what time she had died.

He was a bit , and told me it was in the afternoon.

I then came up with this little gem: "Oh, well at least she got to eat some lunch before she died then" I can still remember my Dads bemused face...

It can be a bit worrying the other way around though. When my Mum's dog died, I told DS as gently as I could - he was 4. He cried until he vomited, then sat blank eyed with me as I tried to distract him with TV. I put him to bed as normal, but then heard him crying quietly through the door as I went past his bedroom an hour later - he'd been crying since I'd put him to bed, the pillow and his pyjamas were soaked and he could hardly breathe. He still cries about it now sometimes, eighteen months later, and worries a lot that someone he loves will die. He also worries about whether I'm sad, whether DH is sad... He's super, super sensitive - far from being unfeeling and self-centred, he's far too selfless for my liking, and far too worried about everyone else. He hasn't suffered any trauma (apart from my Mum's dog dying...) this seems to be his personality. And tbh it worries me. His heart is so easily broken.

Kids, eh? Whatever they do, we worry!
Hope your Grandma is okay elfiro

becstarsky. My dd sounds similar to your ds. My aunt died in March this year. DD wasn't particularly close to her (she would see her maybe a couple of times a year) but she has been massively effected by it. Everytime anyone coughs or is sick, she is hysterical that something is going to happen to them. She wakes up in the night and is generally a bit of a wreck . She is 4 as well. I wonder if its a particularly sensitive age ?

Well seems she is ok for now - I received an email from my Mum to say Grandma has been diagnosed with gastric ulcers and had some sort of treatment (Mum can be a bit vague and possibly didn't ask the doctors as many questions as I would have!) and she is "comfortable." I'll find out more today I hope.

ElsieMc that sounds so difficult, but what a special moment your mum shared with your DS.

Feminine I did chuckle at your story, sorry - the things kids say....

Becstarsky and Tillscoutsmum your dcs sound lovely, I can't imagine mine ever thinking of others so readily! But like you say, we worry whatever they are like.

When DCs say things like that, isn't it your responsibility to tell them not to be so fucking disrespectful and learn some decency?

yes, hengshanroad

Next time it happens, I will tell my children : "look here, don't be so fucking disrespectful"

Like that? hope I got it right?

Wind -up merchant...

I remember when my Mothers Mother died, I had probably seen her with the same frequency as your children, about once a year. I can't remember how old I was, but it just didn't register on my radar. I was upset that my Mother seemed sad, but really, some randomer I barely saw had died.

I think as children if you don't have a bond with them, as in seeing them regularly, they are just not going to be bothered if you die.

Tbqh I saw my paternal Grandmother very sparsely, and even then I didn't particularly like her, she was odd, and a complete cow when my dad died (I was 15 then).

I only recently learned that she had popped her clogs, on facebook, am I sad NO, do I care NO.

One of my Nephews had a right go at another of my sisters for not caring that her Grandmother had died. He obviously had a very different experience of her than we did.

To me and my sisters she was an odd Lady, that appeared now and again and couldn't give a shiny shite about us after our father died, so meh.

I think tryingtoleave makes a very good point. I remember a thread on here (started by a troll but hey!) about how shite people were after a bereavement she had suffered. Lots of people agreed with her. If adults fail so badly it's hardly fair to expect children to be better.

I'm glad she's ok though. Must have been very worrying.