To lock the bedroom door...

[GrownUpNow]

Sigh, I have reached my wits end, so bear with me.

DD has never slept through, she is almost three and a half years old. I can count on one hand the number of nights I've gotten a good seven hour kip overnight since falling pregnant with her. Her behaviour altogether is quite difficult, which my HV has always said would probably improve at nursery, when her mind was more occupied as she is very full on and hyperactive. She said that if she has not improved by the half term, she will refer her to a child psychologist.

Up until she was three, I keep a stair gate at her door as she gets up to all sorts if able to roam freely about the house. Since she has learned to climb over that things have gone a bit downhill again, and so as a very last resort my partner and I have been locking the bedroom door. I don't really like to do this, but if she can she gets up all night and if unmonitored has been able to do things that are dangerous, or very very messy (like flood the bathroom).

My partner believes now that we should lock her door every night, after a hellish morning where she got up at 5am, woke up my DS (5) and his DS (9) by climbing into his son's bed and stabbing him with a pencil in the leg. I didn't hear any of this as I'd been up at 3am with her for the toilet and settling her back in, then my partner (who has sleep disorders) was kicking me due to being unsettled by my movements and I went downstairs and slept on the couch.

Of course being woken early to what had happened made him a bit grumpy and he shouted a little bit about if we can't be consistent that he's giving up, which he has apologised for but is standing firm on. It doesn't sit quite right with me, but if she's a risk to the other children and herself, I can see why he thinks it's the right thing to do. I don't know what to do, is it wrong to lock her in? I worry about her being scared and trapped, or having an accident and being embarrassed.

What's reasonable here??

i agree with TVK above. I think it sounds horrible but it also sounds like she genuinely has some difficulties getting to sleep (rather than just being defiant). Sleep problems can run in families plus if your DP doesn't sleep well then the whole house is generally not a calm, sleepy place at night?

If you remember hating being locked in then probably better not to take that route.

Have you ever slept in a room with her just the two of you - did it help?

Lots of people make judgey comments about sleep but the most important thing is get everyone sleeping first, wherever it works, then worry about getting people into the right rooms/beds after. Because being knackered is hell (from one who knows).

yikes op sounds a busy night in your house! in your shoes I'd be co-sleeping with dd or at least in same room as her - you'll probably sleep better without your dh it sounds like to me! - and she'd be happier as well. will she just go to sleep again if she gets in bed with you or is she hyper and disruptive? if she'll just go back to sleep, problem solved imo

Everyone sleeps in separate rooms in my house!!! DP has sleep problems aswell as DS and I found that when he went away on business I was a milliion times more alert in the day and that lack of sleep was really affecting me (This was before kids). He has also punched and kicked me in the night, apparently he was dreaming he was behind enemy lines (he works in an office ). Would sleep with DD and put DP in own room.

She stopped co-sleeping with me when she was quite young and hasn't slept in the same bed as me since, I have tried on occasion and she just wakes up and jumps around, and expects me to do the same. Total opposite from my DS who loves to get in with me and snuggle.

Falling asleep isn't so much of an issue these days, that is the one thing that has improved, she goes straight to sleep almost every night now, whereas before she would take up to three hours to settle and wake in the night infrequently, now she mostly falls asleep and wakes up regularly in the small hours.

DP has come in and he's lost his job, so I'm probably going to try sleeping on her floor tonight so he gets a proper rest for job hunting. Blooming building trade is stress in a bucket, hah!

Why are you keeping her away from the kitchen and living room? You mean at night if she wanders? Or in the day?

I should add...I also have 3 and a half year old DD who has yet to sleep through. I just go in, re-settle her and put up with it. It will stop eventually. IN fact you could be me as my DH also sleepwalks! We're a nightmare...literally!

How about your DP sleeps in the box room and your daughter sleeps in your room? Might need to buy another mattress (freecycle), but it might help.

If she's not 'learning' then I don't think prioritising your sleep and 'giving in' is going to be a massive step backwards and it is SO much easier to deal with the world when you're not sleep-deprived. it's one of the most effective forms of torture.

It sounds as though you have 2 issues here that are making you tired, your DPs sexsomnia etc and your daughters constant waking.

Is your DP noisy when he has an episode? is he disturbing her and making her sleep problems worse?

I sympathise as my DS is Autistic and wakes a lot in the night.

Your DP needs to get his issues sorted as a matter of priority though.

Sorry to hear he's just lost his job.

You're going to sleep on a floor to allow your now unemployed DP to get a good nights sleep?

I wouldn't lock HER door but I would lock MY door

I can assure you that I'm not trolling, you can check back over my history if you like. DP is a bricklayer and has been laid off twice recently, it's par for the course with the current environment, maybe I was being a bit of a martyr with that comment, I'm tired today and being a bit melodramatic I think.

Sorry about that, I'm feeling sorry for myself with a sinus infection, no sleep and now DPs situation... he'll be working again quickly, but he needs to get out and around contractors, so will need a decent sleep.

You have every right to be on the melodramatic side. There is a reason that sleep deprivation can be used as part of torture techniques (or is that just in spy novels).

Hope your dp gets a job again very soon, but maybe would be a good time to see his GP too if he has a bit of time on his hands just now.

I guess if you get yor dd's sleep sorted, her behaviour during the day might improve, or at least you would have the energy to deal with her. I would speak to your hv or GP as it sound fairly extreme, and there is only so long you can go on with no sleep. Ds1 (4) has always slept badly, partly due to bad eczema, and partly just cause he is a bad sleeper. He gets a sedative if his skin is really bad, and those few nighs that he does sleep through are amazing. He does sleep a bit better than he used to, but now have three week old ds3, and the memories of how things used to be are flooding back.

Hope you get it sorted soon.

Gawd, I'm all teary now. Thanks so much for all the advice on here, it's nice to be able to reach out at those times you don't really know what to do or think and need some moral support.

DD has eczema too, though not too severe, and we're seeing the allergy specialist in December for that plus the asthma and allergies. All relatively mild in that they aren't too bothersome on their own (having helped my friend wet wrap her DD, I can say this for sure) and certainly not life threatening in the case of her allergies (which I am eternally grateful for), but perhaps contributing to her restlessness at night, she's always been worse in the night time with the asthma in particular, and has only recently been able to breathe properly through her nose after two years of constant congestion (milk intolerance I think).

Never quite sure about asking for sleeping medication for her because she's on year round antihistamines and they hype her up rather than make her sleepy, even phernagan doesn't knock her out. I'm assuming a referral to the psychologist will result in some sort of sleep training and potentially medication if they think it's appropriate, so I'll leave it until I've done that.

I am no expert by any means - just going on what we have been told at various times with ds1, but might be worth trying a different sedative if you can. Ds1 didnt sleep with phenergan either, so then got vallergan instead. They tried him with another (cant remember the name) but it was nut flavoured (which seemed odd for an antihistamine) and he didnt like the taste.

With asthma, allergies and eczema, I'm not surprised she doesnt sleep well. Ds1's behavior during the day has been very trying at times too (I know all children behave badly at times but he seemed worse than most), but once his skin improved, his behaviour did improve. It sounds like your dd has a lot to deal with (as do you) so hopefully once you see the specialist, they will either give you a new antihistamine to try, or have some other advice for the sleeping.

Make sure you definitely mention the sleep to them though. We had to mention it to the dermatologist and the allergy people (he has allergies too) but they were then more than happy to give him the antihistamine (Citirizine during the day and Vallergan at night). We are careful not to use the Vallergan too much as it doesnt really deal with the bad sleep issues, just gives everyone the odd good nights sleep. But that does help.

OP the one thing that jumped out at me is that you have memories of being upset after being locked in your room (even when you were as young as two) and yet you're doing that to your DD? I don't think that's the right thing to do!

I agree with the posters saying move DP into the box room. His condition sounds awful and I feel really sorry for you :( do you worry he would do something to your DD when he was asleep? I mean, is that a genuine possibility? Because obviously then having her wander into your room is a big no-no!

She doesn't share a bed because he can be physical in his sleep, so being concerned about the rest is a non-issue as she would never be in that position and he is seeking help which should hopefully stop it occurring in future. I can make a choice to sleep next to him knowing I might get injured, I won't ever take that risk with her now I know the extent of his issue.

DP is being very supportive in dealing with DD, we are working on ways to lessen my sleep disruption and seeking advice from the experts again. Head down, keep on plodding. You are right though, locking her in is extreme and doesn't sit right with me.

My dd is similar, luckily she can't climb our gate on the stairs yet as we fitted it as high as possible without enough gap to get under iyswim.

We have a lock at the top on the outsides of both bathrooms and ds has a pop up stair gate, flat so she can't climb it and clasp on the inside so only he can open it.

Its a pita, we had a severely flooded bathroom at our old house so I feel your pain.

As another poster said, I don't know that the fire thing holds much weight as she still couldn't get out over a dog gate or if she were very small and in a crib.

I don't think locking her in would be such a terrible idea, it's just that it sounds bad. Could you lock her door but put in a baby monitor? Tell her that you will be able to hear her and will come right away if she needs anything, but you need to make sure she stays in her room and gets enough rest so that she can grow properly and be healthy.

Failing that I say go the Supernanny route and just keep putting her back in.

We're struggling with this a bit too, DS has an alarm clock and knows he's not supposed to come out of his room until the first number is a 7, but he's not doing so well with it.

Good luck OP, it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate!

I think the Vallergan is your problem. My DS2 had excema as a baby and was a terrible sleeper. We were given Vallergan which made him hyper and there was a definite improvement when we stopped it. According to the HV, it is possible to have an opposite reaction to a drug than is expected or intended.
Your DH needs to get help with his sleep disorder for all your sakes as this will certainly be affecting the rest of the house. My father and I are both sleepwalkers and my mother didn't get a night's sleep for donkey's years.
Good luck.