AIBU to cut all contact with my older sister?

[TotallyKerplunked]

This is a long one, sorry. Background is our parents divorced when we were 9 and 5 due to DFs violence, after my Dsis chose to live with DF while I lived with DM. DM allowed my Dsis to chose as she just wanted her to be happy.

Once everything had been settled DF cut all contact, he didn't allow us to see Dsis and he didn't see me. DM spent years going through the courts to see Dsis and eventually (7 years later) got regular contact through Dsis school.

Dsis has always refused to believe that she chose to live with DF, dispite DM showing her the court documents and my recollections being asked by the judge who I wanted to live with as DF had always told her that DM had dumped her (he never gave her any of the cards/presents that DM sent).

3 years later she cut contact with DF and moved in with her BF. I hoped this was a turning point for us all to have a closer relationship but she has always maintained a distance and occasional open unpleasantness if we dont do exactally what she wants. DM and I have to do all the chasing to maintain the relationship and if we dont call/visit/buy her things/take her places as often as she thinks we should things get nasty, she never phoned/visited us.

Theres been loads of incidents over the years, examples include annoucing to everyone at a family celebration that I was a lesbian (ah, no, but very embarrassing). She was utterly vile in the lead up/my wedding, apparently I didn't deserve a nice wedding because she didn't have one, WTF! I'd had an MC a month before the wedding and really didn't need that from her, surely she could have kept her own shit to herself for one day? She was rude to several guests and told her kids there were dead people in the church who would "get them" so the service was delayed while I calmed the kids and persuaded them to come in.

Things got worse 6 months ago, me PG and suffering, Dsis went mental that I hadn't been round to visit in a few weeks and had missed taking the kids to the cinema. I was still trying to work FT around being ill, she never once phoned or visited me in that time (Dsis SAHM, kids at school). DM questioned her and received a torrent of abuse, stating that I had always been DMs favourite and once i'd had a DD neither of us would have anything to do with her as we'd have replaced her, she accused DM of funding my wedding and fertility treatment (umm no that was my PIL) and called DM and our SBros some very unpleasant things and told her she wouldn't allow us to see her kids anymore. DM upset and said if she felt that way then we would leave the relationship in her hands and if she wanted contact then she could call and discuss things and we would go from there.

Since then we have sent cards/gifts for birthdays but recieved no acknowledgement. When I had my DS (not a DD as she thought) 6 weeks ago I sent pictures and a letter, still nothing, quite hurt by this as when Dsis had her kids I spent lots of time helping out as she had PND and helped as much as possible when kids diagnosed with learning difficulties.

Now x-mas is coming up I dont want to spend waste money on this situation anymore, whatever her issue is, 30 years of blaming/hating us is long enough, I strongly suspect she still believes DM abandoned her and that she is jealous of me/relationship I have with DM and feels I dont deserve this so she behaves badly to make her point.

DM not happy with my choice but i'm on maternity leave with likely no job to go back to (so no money).

AIBU to not bother with them anymore?

mynewpassion
Until the divorce/custody case was finalised DF was a model father, regular access both ways, holidays together, I was baffled at 5 when he cut contact with me to keep Dsis from DM, he was clever and manipulative with everyone involved, DM had no reason to believe he would cut contact.

DM never abandoned Dsis, she fought for years for access/visitation, everytime he was ordered by the court to allow this he agreed then did nothing. DM involved SS to make sure Dsis ok but they passed no info back to her, she eventually hired PI to find Dsis and once found she approached her school directly who allowed contact with Dsis in secret on school premises as they were aware what DF was like.

I'm not trying to justify DMs decision, she did what she did and bitterly regrets it, families have a tendancy to screw you up, reading this back it sounds like Jeremy Kyle material.

Dsis has a problem with DM, I know this but she does/says things to me/SBros to hurt DM indirectly, I dont deserve that, i've forgiven so many things shes done but cant forgive her lack of understanding with PG problems and what she said to DM in her latest rant as she upset her so much (part of her rant was to tell her own DCs we hate them and only want my baby thats why we dont visit/take them out as much as we should). When Dsis is ok she is my best friend and I miss her but I think there is no going back. :(

springydaffs: that's what I meant to write. Sorry I wasn't clear. I was thinking that the OP inadvertently makes it sound like it was the sister's fault about the situation because she chose to live with their father and was the apple of his eye. She says that her sister refuses to believe that she chose to live with their father.

I am with you that her sister was nine and probably didn't understand the situation.

OP, alright, your mother didn't abandon her but your sister was told that she and to her thinking, your mother did. She has never forgiven your mother and now likely your father for what they did to her. She knows that hurting you and your stepbrother also hurt your mother. She is lashing out because you guys had a pretty good life when maybe her life was likely hell. I mean if her school administrators seemed fearful of him, think what he would've done and told her.

No, you don't deserve her being mean and difficult towards you. This was the fault of your parents; you were an innocent. However, don't blame her for being angry at your mother because she "chose to live with your father" either. I am no psychologist but it seems like she's testing your mother's (and yours by extension) faithfulness to her and her children. She's been abandon once by her (and you by extension) and she will always feel like your mother will do it again.

No one wants to live or be around someone who is expecting or always waiting for another person to fail them. Its self fulfilling prophecy.

As you shouldn't need to hear or witness her toxicity, I said earlier that you should let her initiate future contact and recommend to her DH/DP in the most polite way that she needs some counseling to reduce her anger. I would also say that if she was being mean again, you should tell her that while you are not abandoning her, you will not tolerate her behavior around you and that you will not be a punching bag for your mother either.

I have a very simple policy with people who aren't nice to me - I stop seeing them and cut them out of my life, its too short anyway. I don't care what the whyfores are, if they are sentient adults it's their responsibility to handle themselves.

I'd probably tell her pretty directly what i expect from her, and still send presents etc to her kids.

Your first responsibility is to your children and husband. Don't feel bad about cutting contact if your sister is causing distress and pain to you and them. It sounds like you've tried for a long time here, and that it isn't working.

BUT - I feel so so sorry for your sister. She is clearly horribly damaged by her upbringing, and to her it must seem pretty black and white - if your mother had refused to let her go, she would have had the childhood you had and would have grown up with her mother and sister.

I'm not blaming your mother at all. It just sounds heartbreaking all round, but the truth is that your sister suffered the most. I suppose suggesting counselling for you all wouldn't be worth a shot? Maybe you have tried. I'm sure it would take a long time and a lot of effort on her part as well as you and your mum. Not saying that you have done anything to her, you haven't - just the thought that perhaps going to your sister and saying that you and your mum wanted to try and find a way to mend the bond you should have had, that you would like to go for counselling together and try and find ways to make your three-way relationship a happy one?

I'm sure that's totally idealistic and something you have probably already tried. I'm so sorry for you all, it is an awful story. Bottom line is of course that you can't sacrifice the peace of mind of your own children to fix this - they have to come first.

She grew up without a mum... no wonder she's angry.

Does not mean that the op has to put up with crap from her, she is now an adult and should take responsibility for her actions and get help. It's the op right not to have much to do with someone who treats them like that. No don't cut contact but just let things go and continue to send her dc cards and gifts. You would not put up with this from a friend this is no different. There us only so much you can take

sorry I fired off a bit there mynewpassion

I don't agree piglet when you say 'you wouldn't put up with this from a friend, this is no different'. I think it is different when it's family, particularly in this situation where OP's sister has been seriously damaged by their father. I do agree though that the ball is in your sister's court OP. She very probably won't like you suggesting therapy but that really is the only option she has. You could make it a condition (she says, knowing full well I haven't been able to do this myself with toxic family members..). However, I would gen up on what is going on with her so that you can be prepared for any poison she directs at you.

Springydaffs it is no diferent my life is so much better without contact with my toxic half sister. I am sure she has issues from her childhood (she is 22 years older than me). But it does not prevent her being a nasty self centred person. Even her grown son admits it. This is the woman who did not meet her baby grandson for 3 years as she did not approve of her sons relationship, and used to put me down and make me feel bad as a child. I made a stand and decidednot to bother anymore.I have not closed the channels, she has. I have friends that I wish were my bio sister not her

I'm with you there piglet! I have a toxic twin and I know all about being born with a viper. Older sister isn't much better either! I was just making the point that it is different with family. I agree that sometimes you have to cut contact entirely as they are too toxic and have no intention of facing their demons. I am in contact with my twin - mainly because our mum was finding the standoff too painful - but I keep my armour on and subtly keep it to the absolute minimum if that is within my power (it isn't always and I get mashed up each time). I don't expect anything from her, except poison I'm afraid.

I think that she feels like she got left behind; that she was allowed to do this and really is eaten up with jealousy. You have stepbrothers, who presumably saw more of your mum than she did?

You, naturally, are aligned with your mum - you are 'on her side' becuase that is the truth you grew up with. But your sister had a different version, and in hers she was left with a violent man, and uoi lot went off to live happily ever after.

This is your mum's problem, and her poor decision. You need to be a sister, not your mum's daughter when you engage with dsis.

Why not write, not trying to justify your mum's choices, but just simply saying you feel she had a crap upbringing, you wish you had been old enough to help, but you would like a relationship now.

Totally, that sounds such an incredibly painful situation for you all. I wouldn't do anything harsh or definite - because there is always hope that your sister will come to terms with what happened. And as someone else said that will confirm her feelings of abandonment.

But you definitely need to protect yourself from her. I would let go of any expectations that she will fulfil your needs ? and I would not be seeking out her company. Sending christmas and birthday cards isn't hard but keeps the door open - and I would definitely send small gifts (nothing major) to her kids. Good luck to you, and enjoy your baby.

Awww springy thats horrible when its someone who was meant to be very close to you . Our dad adored her, she could do no wrong, she cut her full biological brothers dead like she did me, because we kept in contact with her wonderful lovely exh. Basically she treated her EXH like trash, and had an affair behind his back. He is the father of their sons, and is a lovely and would do anything for her. But because we kept in contact with him, and did not do as she said she cut us off. I got so fed up of whatever she says goes. No it does not. Before she put the phone down on me forever, the last conversation was very strained, she an ice maiden who is very hard to talk to. I feel so much lighter without her, but have not closed channels, she has.

This is someone who refused to meet her grandson until he was 3 as she did not approve of her sons relationship, tells you somthing about her.

agree with grumpy pants

Walk away