AIBU to set these conditions for my husband?

[svetateitelbaum]

Regular poster but have namechanged so certain details don't out me.

I live abroad with Dh and DS 4 and DD 20 months. I moved to DH's country 8 years ago. My husband returns today from 2 week fishing holiday. I do not know why I ever agreed to it. I am totally knackered and the last 3 days I have been keeping going using Red Bull. His family live closeby but offer very little help. My MIL came for 2 hours one evening so I could run some errands. She brought a friend and they literally just sat, watched tv and made sure the kids didn't kill themselves. I still had to feed, bath and bed them when I came home. I do have friends here but my location makes me quite isolated. Apart from phone calls I haven't spoken to anýone for 5 days. I hate the fact that I have been such a rubbish mum over the last week. So tired and ratty with the kids.
I love them but I just want some peace. I have put on a dvd but just trying to type this far I have had about 10 requests, squabbles, interruptions already. I am so tired and frazzled I can't think straight and although I have had an idea I don't know if this is straight thinking or the product of an overtired and emotional mind.

I cannot do this anymore. My husband has promised there will be no more trips like this but I also want him to cut back on his weekend trips. In addition I just want to welcome him home and then go straight out the door, for a walk, soem fresh air just anything. I want to say that if in 6 months he's not home more often we should move back to the UK where I would have good support from my family.

What do you think?

How often is he away?

Fishing? For two weeks? Is he spinning you a line?

Seriously. I am not sure why he thought that was even an OK thing to do.

It shouldn't be about you 'letting' him.

It should absolutely be about him thinking "You know what, leaving my DW with our two small children and no support or respite while I disappear for a two week holiday is not really a very kind thing to do."

I think you need to stop thinking about 'letting him.' You needed to say to him 'Do you really want to spend 2 weeks away from us? Why?"

And when he comes back, don't set 'conditions'. Say to him "it was really difficult while you were away and we really missed you."

By setting 'conditions' and talking of 'letting' him go, you are making it about control of him by you. When really he should be working it out for himself - why does he want to spend so much time away from you? That is the issue.

I'm delighted to hear he is so good to you when he is around OP. In that case it seems that he's just a bit foolish to think that leaving you on your own so often and for such a long time is acceptable. From what you say I'm hopeful that if you tell him honestly how hard you find the weekends and this long trip then he will listen.

YANBU... But what I would say is that your ultimatum could come out of the blue. Presumably he (and his family) think everything is hunky-dory and you're quite happy with the current arrangement. So be very specific about what it is that's pissing you off and equally specific about what you want people to do. Saying 'or else I'm going back to the UK' could be dismissed as an emotional flounce otherwise and not taken seriously. You almost need a list of instructions.... 'when you come to visit ILs I would like you to do X, Y and Z because I will be doing A, B and C'... rather than asking for 'help' which can be interpreted very vaguely.

And for your dozy DH it's not 'be home more often' (too vague) it has to be 'home every weekend and taking the children out to give me a break on Sundays (or whatever)'... very specific. Otherwise, lazy selfish types will read it as 'more often = stay home one weekend in six'.

Find your roar and stop being a doormat...

Regarding the PILs. 3 times there was a offer to take DS for a morning. Or visit to help. But each time something came up and the help never materialised. This happens all the time. I estimate that they have looked after the kids for less that 8 hours in total in 2011. They are a busted flush.

Just out of interest - when you did have a weekend away with friends last month, did his DM pop over to help him?

Cogito, I think you are right. Move to the UK ultimatum would come out of the blue and would be impractical in many aspects. I have looked at the calendar and he has to realise that these weekends away mean that i often do two or three weeks every day with the kids.

To be fair his mum did not help when I was away fro the weekend. Although he did visit them. But she is very much the type to say DD needs fed, changing and hand her over to you. Actual donkey work is not her thing. But this is not about her.

I don't think he actively avoids the kids. The problem is the fishing

I think maybe some men don't realise how much hard work it can be looking after children all day when there is no other respite. It's really hard to make them realise that you need a break from the 27/7 demands just to be yourself and recharge your batteries.

Perhaps ask him why he goes fishing and what he gets out of it emotionally and maybe you can come to some arrangement where you get more time to yourself.

Would it be possible to hire some help while he's away? Maybe an au pair one day a week would ease the pressure.

How about the 4 year old goes fishing with him ......

Do you want more 'you' time or more 'family' time? Your DH needs to schecduel his social life better so you are not left with the kids for 21days + at a time.

What country do you live in?

Sew much to do,
Both I guess I want family time and me time.
I have looked at the calendar and have analysed what I feel needs to go. OPart of me feels like throwing at him when he walks in the door. His plane has landed he will be home in 20 mins. But i just need some peace, to walk to think, to calm down. I will just welcome him and leave

2 kids woman! What on earth are you doing? many of us have far more children than that, and manage without Red Bull and yelling