Pre-school nursery, do I take DD out?

[welshbyrd]

DD 2.5yrs. Has been going for about 6 weeks now, 2 days a week.

1st week we both went for 30mins, 2nd day 45mins, gradually me leaving sitting outside [sneaking off without her seeing me, but being in the building in case she become too upset]

2nd week, she clung to me for 20 minutes, then would play with the activities, but checking every minute or so to make sure I was still there. When she was engrossed, Id make a run for it . I would stand outside door, for 5 minutes, just to make sure she was ok [I could hear her cry for a minute, then she would stop]

Its been the same for the last 4 weeks, last Monday, after DD clinging to me, crying if I was not close enough to her etc [she knew I would be leaving her], discussed it with one of the members of staff, and we agreed her next day in [Wednesday], I would just drop her in, would not actually enter the room, but send her in the doors and leave, she cried, again only for a minute.
When Im gone after intial crying for a minute, she is fine.

However, she does not play with the other children, if a child approaches her she walks away. She will not sit on the group table for snack, she sits on a sofa on her own nearby. Staff have told me she does not like a fuss, and when she is crying she does not like the staff approaching her.

She is supposed to be in this morning, she loves Minnie mouse, DS sent a Minnie dress up yesterday[it had belonged to one of my nieces] DD said she wanted to wear it this morning [she was so excited about this dress, she loves Minnie mouse, and loves dressing up]. This morning she is refusing to get changed, saying she wants to stay in her PJs, and does not want to wear the dress, nor does she want to go to school. Its to late to send her now.

I was weary before she started the pre-school, was not sure she was ready for it, told staff this, and agreed to see how she goes.
Every time I pick her up she is happy to see me, is happy, says she loved it, and tells me what she has done

The problem is DD behavior has improved leaps and bounds since she started the nursery. Basically DD has run rings around me and DH since birth, she still wakes in the night, she is bossy, demanding, and sometimes very hard-work
What do I do? pull her out? wait until Wednesday and see what happens? Or give it longer? Try again after Christmas?

Sorry, just to be clear - leaving smartly and not hanging around is probably a good thing.

Sneaking off rather than saying goodbye and letting her see you leave is, in my view, a bad thing.

Im not sure if I have been very clear in my original post.Im not allowing DD to dictate nothing to me, it does not matter to me whether she wants to go or not, that like my other DCs attending school, is not the question, I may have sounded like DD has no boundaries, nor does she know right from wrong[to the degree a 2 year old can], she does, with important issues, please/thank you/no hitting/trying my best with sharing, Ive just been a bit relaxed with her about the not so important stuff IYSWIM

The original post should really have been 'How do you know when your DC is ready/not ready for nursery?'
Im not going by DD wants, but Im questioning whats best for her

Sorry if I've misread you then - but when you said that she was refusing to get dressed, to the extent that it was too late to go to nursery on a nursery day, that did sound like she was dictating to you, on that issue at least.

My own children have both been in childcare since the age of 6 months, do I wouldn't think that 2 and a half is too early at all. And, as you say, she loves it once she's there. "she does not play with the other children, if a child approaches her she walks away." This is normal for children of that age - they tend to play alongside each other rather than with each other. But nursery, pre-school etc does accelerate that process.

So, FWIW, I think that pre-school is a good thing, aids speech, maturity and socialisation and that, if she appears to like it (which you say she does) then you should treat the morning clinginess and capriciousness as a blip and find specific strategies for dealing with that rather than rethinking you whole game-plan.

Hope this is of some use to you.

MIFLAW, - I should have said DD is a odd girlie, and loves her Pjs, for the last 3months or so, she has been a nightmare to get changed, we went to tescos last week with her pjs on, if we go out for the morning/afternoon, as soon as we get back through the door she insists on putting her PJs on. Her refusing could/could not have been due to it being a nursery day.DD is generally not a morning person, she loves PJs and since weaning hates breakfast.Thanks for your advice.Im going to stick with it.

Take her out....unless you're working and need to send her. It's so young...she's not enjoying it...just do playgroupsfor a while. Both mie began pre-school at 3 and a half and so had a year there. Why out her through it if it's not needed?

WIth both my dds at pre school we are told that it is vital that you tell the child you are going to shopping and will be back soon- with bread / milk or whatever as evidence. You give them a kiss a cuddle and then go. 1st time you are out of the room for 5 mins then 30 mins then an hour etc. Obviously all schools have different methods but imagine your dd having no idea where here mum was as you sneaked off ? Ask her to look after something of yours like a small scarf or maybe an old purse or something she knows is yours- For a week before they both started I produced a floral hankie (foul thing ), and kept producing it to pretend to blow my nose wipe away crumbs etc. That was tucked in the trousers for the 1st 2 weeks and great praise and thanks that they had looked after it so well. Mine were 2.4 and 1.8 when they started.

2.5 is still a baby, why does she need to go to school?

Definitely, definitely stop sneaking off! They need to know that you are going and that you are coming back. If you sneak away when she doesn't notice then it will teach her "Mummy might disappear at any moment" and therefore make the problem worse, rather than "Mummy is going but will always be back".

Also, she'll be at school before you know it so why not enjoy the time with her at home? She's still a baby - there's absolutely no need for her to be in nursery (unless you need her to go if you're working or some other reason). My DS just started pre-school at 3.5 and he'll have a whole year of it before school...

Just to check - she does like it, right? I mean, a lot of children will cry when you leave them, but from what your daughter and the staff tell you she is happy after that and plays well (on her own or with others)?

As I say, I'm very pro-nursery because I think it has been a massively positive thing in my own daughter's life - but of course if she hated it and you weren't obliged to send her then I guess you wouldn't. But if she likes it, then the problems sound very specific and manageable.

My daughter's only a couple of months older and has been in part time nursery for a while now, so:

a) Yes DEFINITELY stop sneaking off. All the separation anxiety literature agrees.
b) She needs to be there for longer at a time to settle in. Mine takes at least 45 mins, an hour, to warm up to social situations where there's a lot of people, and then she's the most confident child on earth
c) Parallel play, not wanting to interact with other children; normal at that age, also a function of her only being there for short periods of time
d) Children this age are going to 'play you', be demanding, refuse to get dressed, etc., irrespective of whether you've indulged them. I really wouldn't factor that in. One day mine is rushing ahead to the car, the next she's using every stalling tactic in the world, it's not about nursery/preschool it's about boundaries and being Two.

It doesn't sound to me as if she's unusually demanding, or that you've done anything wrong, or that she's too young for pre-school. It sounds to me as if she's fine, she tells you she had fun, she's a polite sweet kid who's just being two. Maybe I'm biased because I have also indulged mine, never done CC, never ignored her at night, given her lots of love and attention, and I think mine's also a lovely child who is learning how to behave just fine, actually.

I think the issue is actually about you and perhaps about the cot death (how awful for you, i'm so sorry to hear it, that must have just been so, so horrible), and therefore you're inclined to feel guilty about sending her to preschool? Because nothing you've said sounds like she's not ready, at all.

I think you should take her out. DS1 never enjoyed playgroup, the mix of children was just not right for him. The only time he enjoyed it was when I stayed for rota duty, so I ended up volunteering all the time.
He loved nursery however had great fun there and made lot's of friends.

Completely understand re cc after a cot death - my twin died at 11 weeks and I now have twins. I try not to think about it but it's always there. dd1 is 3.5 and since the tiwns were born she keeps sneaking into our bed (having never done so before), we are letting her but when the twins go in their own room after 6 months, dd1 will be back in her's too.

Re not napping in the day - my dd sometimes watches a film (disney-type thing, although today she watched Hairspray which seemed like a good idea with songs and dancing... not so, trying to explain segregation to a 3yo is tough). Anyway, although she's not napping, she is switching her brain off a bit, which I find helps and by the end of the film she's got energy again.