ex husband is a knob

[wannabestressfree]

Need to vent am so cross........
my two ds' came back from their dads today and I have the following to moan about

1. They slept on the floor at new gf's house and not in the bunkbeds they have [this is for the third consecutive weekend}
2. No uniform washed
3. No breakfast today
4. ds2 left to look after gf's daughter for two hours in a rugby club whilst they both trained. Didn't even bother to check on them.
5. Spent rest of day in another rugby club where they did their homework.
6. No food all day.
7. No lunchboxes sent back.

I know I cannot control what someone else does and to be honest its no different to how he would of behaved when we were married except I would have had the children. What annoys me is that he will moan about only having them four nights a month and then not really look after them! grrrrrrr

I did moan to him about this tonight and he basically told me what he did in his own time was none of my business and that he was the fun parent and I am always busy at work [ I have to he doesn't work}

So what I am asking is do I tell him to grow up or they aren't going [they would be devastated] or suck it up?

Well, if he wants to, you can get your solicitor to write a stern letter stressing the importance of feeding your children and them sleeping in a bed rather than on the floor during the course of a weekend. That won't look good, will it?

Dear (ex-husband)

Following our conversation on Sunday I wish to make the following points.

1. It is imperative that while the children are in your care, they are given breakfast, lunch and dinner. You admitted to me that while in your care on Sunday they had no breakfast, a packet of crisps at lunchtime and no dinner before returning to me at 1830. This is neglectful. I need a verbal assurance from you at pickup (next date) that you will give the children adequate food before they spend the weekend of (date) with you.

1. It is also important that the children are given a bed to sleep in, rather than sleeping on the floor. If you are staying over at your girlfriends, a camp bed or blow up mattress is sufficient but if at all possible I would prefer they slept in a bed so they start their school week adequately rested. Sleeping on the floor isn't acceptable - and again, I will need verbal assurance this will not happen again either.

You said on Sunday I would need a solicitor's letter before you took my wishes into account. I hope this was said in the heat of the moment, however if necessary I will get my solicitor to say this to you as well. There is no reason you cannot agree to these entirely reasonable requests.

Robot's draft letter/email is ideal.

Your ExH needs to take this seriously, and if not then you need to not let the kids go (even for one weekend) to show that you are not accepting his neglectfull behaviour towards them.

Do you have a formal agreement?

No formal agreement but he is quite quick to do the emotional blackmail thing if I ever disagree with anything. ' I will tell the boys you won't let me see them'. The thing is I am more than flexible. He pays no money - not working- and I still drive them to see him and accomodate him. I am pissed off with it. He was quite nasty to me yesterday saying I wasn't a fun parent as I put them in kids clubs. I have no choice I bloody work.............

Have emailed him what you suggested am awaiting a response. What do I do if I don't get one?

Wait for the weekend and the verbal assurances you have asked for. If he won't agree he'll feed the children and give them some sort of bed for the night, send him on his way. You have to mean this. You'll also have to talk to the children beforehand, and let them know what's going on.

Well done for sending an email (robots was fantastic).

I'd talk to the children this week (or at the weekend if its another couple of weeks until they would see him). I'd start by talking with open questions about how they feel about going to their dads, are they happy there, is there anything they really like / really don't like / find hard etc. Hopefully they will mention the food and / or beds thing and you have an 'in'. If they don't then during the conversation comment that you have noticed they come back really hungry and tired and talk about how important food and sleep is. Make sure you're not dissing their dad, just explaining that it is not right for them not to have food and a proper place to sleep.

It needs to lead on to the fact that food and sleep are SO important that need to make sure that these things will be provided so that they can't go to their dads until you are sure that they are. Not sure how you get to this without dissing their dad but sure between everyone on here we can help you.

I think its important that the boys know that next time they are going to their dads it might not happen, and why. Then there is less room for upset (them - couldn't give a shit if HE is upset). And less room for the emotional blackmail - you can say to the boys 'yes, your daddy is right I am stopping you from seeing him. But only while he cannot provide food and a bed - as soon as that is sorted out there is no problem'.

Do whatever you can over the next week to get your head in the place where he can't hurt you. n So you can calmly repeat 'I need your verbal assurance that you will feed the boys and that they will have somewhere decent to sleep' 'yes, I appreciate that what you do is none of my business but where the boys are concerned it is. Can I have your assurance.... (etc)' and calmly stating variations of this in response to everything he throws at you. He can only usethis to bully you if he gets a reaction. DOn't let him have one.

Good luck xxx

Oh and there is no reason why they can't see him - for a couple of hours a couple of times during his weekend not involving mealtimes - so throw this back at him if he refuses - 'if you don't want to see the boys they will be upset but that is your call. Unfortunatley until you can give me your verbal assurance that they will be fed and have a decent place to sleep this is all that is possible'

I think those suggestions are brilliant. A good example of his behaviour is that he has not replied to email but has text me today to ask if he can get them from school and take them out. I have said no as he cancelled this on sunday anyway - it probably means his girlfriend is now busy. And to be honest I have just got them going to bed on time and relaxing in the evening. I would just like some notice if he wants to have them.

Moan moan...........

I think I'd also text and say "We need to agree on the need for food and a bed before your next contact anyway, as discussed"

wannabe you only have a mutual agreement here, I'm thinking you'd prefer to avoid the court process as it is costly not to mention very stressful. Wise move, however, there is nothing stopping you from treating contact as though it were decided in the courts. I don't work in the legal field but I am pretty certain that the contact he is getting is about the same he could expect if the two of you had to hash things out in court and they wouldn't be able to help you to get him to see things your way in regards to mealtimes etc.
The one thing you could do (if you are able) is to adjust the timing slightly. If you always drop them off after school on a Friday perhaps take them home to change and have an evening meal before they go. If you always pick them up on a Sunday collect them around 4pm giving you time to settle them and have a decent meal before bedtime. It doesn't sound as though he is likely to listen to anything much that you say, he seems to pride himself on being their 'friend' so is unlikely to suddenly man-up and act like a Father. It's crap but sleeping on a couch won't do them much harm and It's awful to imagine your children are not being well looked after but if he hasn't listen to you up till now then he's unlikely to start.
Please don't let him emotionally blackmail you. In time the children WILL realise that you always did your best for them and their relationship with their Father.

I like the idea of tailoring the access to avoid getting in the ring with him. I haven't heard anything from him though so will wait and see what he does next. I have them anyway the next two weekends so I don't need to be in contact with him although he may well text to take them out during the week. We shall see...............