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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with my father in law!

19 replies

doradaisy · 09/10/2011 19:58

Just spent the weekend with my in-laws. Have an ok relationship with them but I find myself reeling after spending time with my father in law since my and dh had kids.

I have a four year old dd and 14 month old twins. During the week my daughter had a fall at home, she hit back of her head after swinging on the back of a dining chair when I was feeding the boys didn't dinner time, I was right in front of her, not like I left the room, it all happened in Split second before I could stoP her, she turned out to ok thanks god. This weekend though, one of the twins fell backwards while cruising beside the couch (they are almost walking) but my father in law said 'are you sure I can trust you ha ha'. He also took said twin out of the rOom from me and told mother in law what haPpened in a 'tut tut' voice I wasn't meant to hear I'd say.

It goes back to when they were a few months old too as I always got 'are you overfeeding them' comments about the twins.

Am starting to feel they think I'm totally incompetent, and it's knocked my cOnfidence to be honest. I know I do a good job minding 3 small kids as husband works long hours. Am just feeling pissed off that all the negatives are being cockaded on as very few people could have done such a job without hiring a nanny!!
Am I being paranoid and unreasOnable?

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 09/10/2011 20:02

It's a jokey comment - stop victimising yourself.

EllaDee · 09/10/2011 20:02

YANBU.

I think your FIL probably doesn't mean to upset you (and, come on, chatting in private about your children's parenting skills must be one of teh great pleasures of being a grandparent ). But I think it wouldn't be unreasonable at all of you to mention to him that you find his comments hurtful rather than funny, and that you did overhear what he said to your MIL.

Original poster

doradaisy · 09/10/2011 20:04

Apologies for bad spelling, should read 'all the negatives being focussed on', am using an I phone in the car!!

OP posts:

Kayano · 09/10/2011 20:04

It depends on tone.. You typed haha but I'm assuming you thought he meant it seriously?
Can't tell from typed words...

Also if a kid hurt themselves, he told MIL... Was he just supposed to shrug?

I find this very hard to judge with 2 incidents

EllaDee · 09/10/2011 20:04

trois - I bet it feels less funny if you actually care about your kids, though?! Have you not seen any of the dozens of regular posts from mums shaking because they've accidentally let their baby fall/hit the doorframe/poke itself? It's normal but obviously it's going to upset you when it's your baby.

FabbyChic · 09/10/2011 20:07

He is an old dude, it really is no reflection on how you care for your children, it was a jokey comment.

Don't take it to heart. Its more endearing than anything else.

ChippingIn · 09/10/2011 20:12

I don't know your FIL so it's hard to say, but tbh it's something I would say to you in jest and it's also quite likely if it was say my niece and my DH was in the kitchen that I'd take the child through and say that's she just had a bang - not because I think you are a bad parent or unfit to look after them, but just to chat and say 'aww poor thing'... maybe you are a bit tired (which would hardly be suprising!!) and are taking things to heart that are intended as light hearted comments.

Or possibly he's a wanker... hard to say

YouDoTheMath · 09/10/2011 21:46

It annoys me a bit when parents and in-laws tell me to "keep an eye on her" with regard to my DD (as if it wasn't the most natural thing in the world for me to do) but it's not meant as an insult and neither is what your FIL is saying. It's hard not to be sensitive to fleeting comments sometimes, but just let them wash before you really wind yourself up for no good reason.

troisgarcons · 09/10/2011 21:51

EllaDee

trois - I bet it feels less funny if you actually care about your kids, though?! Have you not seen any of the dozens of regular posts from mums shaking because they've accidentally let their baby fall/hit the doorframe/poke itself? It's normal but obviously it's going to upset you when it's your baby.

OMG...3 children later and Im not over wraught with childhood accidents - mind you Im not from the bubble wrap generation. None of them appear to be totally brain damaged, broken limbed nor in any other way deficient. Shit happens. People try to make light of it. Your FIL did. If you want to make a mountain out of a molehill and lose weeks sleep ove a throw away comment - fair play to you.

BatsUpMeNightie · 09/10/2011 21:55

You are really taking this the wrong way. I can't think why - perhaps you want to feel hard done to or need an excuse to get all anti-FIL? Show me a parent whose kids haven't had spectacular accidents and I'll show you a parent who never took the cotton wool off those kids.

eaglewings · 09/10/2011 21:57

He was trying to make light of it IMO but got it wrong. You are understandably feeling hurt by him and stressed by the 2 events.

I am sure you are doing a great job on your own with 3 young kids for most of the week while your dh works.

It would be nice if your fil could give you a complement but may be it's not his style

Ask your dh for some positive feedback of your mothering

EllaDee · 09/10/2011 22:11

trois - fair enough, I shouldn't generalize, you didn't feel upset by stuff like this. But the OP does. No harm in her letting her FIL know she does, is there? I assume he's a normal person, not some kind of different species, and will therefore respond in a normal way.

exoticfruits · 09/10/2011 22:13

You just need more self confidence-it was a joke.(he shouldn't have to walk on eggshells worrying about what he says).

Original poster

doradaisy · 09/10/2011 22:14

Ok, am back on solid ground (literally, not metaphorically) after OP put up on Iphone.

A few things on reflection.

My FIL does have a kind of 'slaggy' sense of humour, which can be well-meaning but biting too.

A few years ago, I had a minor car accident with my DD when she was 2 (ok, at this stage, am sounding even more incompetent) - I got such a fright and felt rotten, rotten, terrible after it. We were driving on a windy country road and the car went out of control but I managed to swerge the car into the hedges. Airbags went up and we were fine.

Every time I closed my eyes for weeks I thought what might have been.

Said FIL said the day after the accident 'I hope I can trust my only granddaughter with her mother' and we were all supposed to laugh??? I know it seems pretty inocuous but try and get into my state of mind at the time and see how funny you think it is!!! At the time, I said nothing, physically couldn't bring myself to laugh (as was still in shock) and I was made out to be 'overly sensitive' (quote from MIL and SIL)

So am a bit haunted by this maybe.

I know some of the posts are saying to let these things go, or they are through away comments, but sometimes people can be tactless too.

However, in light of my daughter's fall just this week, I am feeling incredibly guilty/vulnerable/nervous so his comments added fuel to the fire.

The sane part of me has to try and wake up tomorrow feeling all confident but I do feel a bit nervous/incompetent that these things happen in my watch.

The maddening thing is that I'm uber careful watching the kids, I just want a bit of credit/support I suppose from IL's.

The fact is, whenever they mind the twins (about once since they were born!) they talk about how 'hard it must be'. Would love to see how so called know-it alls would cope haveing 3 kids under the age of 3!!

DH thinks I'm being a bit senstive too, which is why I'm on mumsnet I suppose.

Ok, am sounding a bit ranty. Time for tea and regrouping and maybe putting this behind me and starting again

OP posts:

EllaDee · 09/10/2011 22:21

Sounds like you are one of those people who get quite a strong reaction to accidents. A good quality I guess but not fun for you!

I am sure if your FIL is a decent bloke he will accept you just don't like his way of reacting to this stuff - he may think you're being OTT but you can put up with that I reckon?

I should think with 3 that age your stress levels are permanently 'up' so you probably cannot help being on hair-trigger about things - otherwise the tiredness would just hit you? So your DH is maybe being a bit unsympathetic IMO!

EllaDee · 09/10/2011 22:23

Btw, honestly, I am sure you are not remotely incompetent. The number of people who post saying stuff about what they're accidentally done to babies is huge - I reckon it must be normal.

Original poster

doradaisy · 09/10/2011 22:41

Kind words, and true ella :)

OP posts:

CBear6 · 09/10/2011 23:06

Ignore him this time but if it happens again either tell him it's upsetting you or get your DH to discretely say something. My FIL likes to make "jokes" here and there, I'm sure he doesn't mean any harm but there's been one or two times I asked DH to have a word. It doesn't need to be a big deal if it's done tactfully.

For what it's worth, you sound like you're doing a great job. I've got a two year old and a three week old and I'm knackered so hats off to you coping with three! Kids get bumps and bruises, it's part of growing up, you can baby-proof a house and they'll just find all new and imaginative ways to hurt themselves. Short of wrapping them in cottonwool there's nothing much you can do to prevent the odd accident. I've been to A&E four times since July - 2yo ate a pound coin, then a few weeks later fell off the bed and hit his head hard enough to make his nose bleed, then the newborn had bloodied poo, then a matter of days later DS threw a tantrum and accidentally hit her on the head with a phone that he chucked in his temper. I felt like the world's worst mother, not at all helped by my parents telling me I'd end up with Social Services at my door if I didn't start being more careful.

YANBU to be pissed off, I would be too.

ChitChattingWithKids · 09/10/2011 23:18

I've completely lost count of the number of times my DSs have hurt themselves, and they're only 4 1/2 and 2!!!! You can't keep an eye on them ALL the time, and even if you do they are so damn fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When your FIL's DC were little, he was quite probably at work so its doubtful he actually saw most of the incidents from when they hurt themselves.

Or, if your DH and his siblings just didn't get hurt that much just say 'They must get their adventurous spirit from MY side of the family then, if all of you were so boring when little!' .

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