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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to not really want some relatives I barely know to stay in my bedroom while I am away

45 replies

OohIsThatAFlake · 08/10/2011 20:36

I'm quite a private person, I admit. Not even my closest friends have seen the inside of my bedroom, let alone stayed in it because of the whips and chains. But my husband's family are all very much open-house, any room's your room come and chat to me while I have a wee types. We stay with BIL in another country a couple of times a year (in spare room of enormous house) and his partner also has a holiday home where we (and all the rest of the extended family on separate occasions) have stayed too.
Now BIL wants me to offer my small untidy cluttered house and more importantly, my bedroom remember those whips and chains to his elderly inlaws to stay in while we are away. My instinctive reaction is to say no.

Btw I would have to hire cleaners, spend weeks clearing up, buy a new bed and bedlinen yes due to the whips and chains again

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:

patiencenotmyvirtue · 08/10/2011 21:54

I should say, and not to preen, I had spare room for the AP's mum, but insisted she use our bed as it was unseemly for an older lady to use a futon.

flatbread · 08/10/2011 21:59

So how exactly do you reciprocate the hospitality you have been shown? Do you have a holiday home that BIL/partner/extended family can use?

Do you take BIL and partner out for lots of meals and/or pay them for use of their holiday home...?

Or do you think it is all a one way stream because they have a bigger home and hence gives you a 'out' on the hosting front

I honestly think you are being 'precious' not 'private' in this case. Pay for a good cleaning firm, get mattress and pillow protectors and open your doors to your BILs family. It is the decent thing to do.

If not, put them up in a hotel at your expense and consider that a pay-back for your free holiday stay in your BIL and partner's homes.

Maryz · 08/10/2011 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stropzilla · 08/10/2011 22:47

Big question, do you KNOW the people? You say they're his in-laws as though you don't really know them. I'd say there's a huge difference between staying in someone's spare room in a holiday home, and people you don't really know staying in YOUR bed! I don't think you're being unreasonable, and if he chooses to think you are that's something your DH needs to deal with. I'd hate, hate, HATE for anyone other than myself and DH (and DD on occasion) to sleep in my bed. It's not about reciprocating your BIL's kindness, it's about what you find intrusive.

QuintessentialDead · 08/10/2011 22:51

When we had an au pair, and we went for a week away to visit my sister, I suggested that this was the perfect opportunity for her to offer her parents to come and see her in London.

Dont be too precious about your bedroom. It is only a room. I hid the contents of my chest of drawers elsewhere......

Inertia · 08/10/2011 23:06

I don't understand why your BIL wants you to offer your house to his ILs. Is it just that you're not actually going to be in it and he feels that his side of the family is 'owed'? Or is there a genuine reason that means the ILs staying at yours would be enormously helpful for all concerned and save lots of hassle for everyone?

I would feel uncomfortable about people I don't even know sleeping in my bed- we've given up our bed to visitors once, when we had a houseful, but normally can put people up in the spare room or by putting the DCs in to share. And I certainly wouldn't be buying in new furniture or getting cleaners in.

I quite like Fabby's idea- can you actually be redecorating your bedroom at the time? In fact you wouldn't really need to redecorate- prop the bed up against the wall, hide the mattress, cover everything in sheets, stick the stepladders in there and strew a few tins of paint and brushes around the room.

blackeyedsusan · 08/10/2011 23:11

what other space do you have in your house? i am imagining letting someoone stay in my room. live in a smallish 2 bed flat and would have problems storing stuff to make room for someone else to stay. I can see this being a real issue that is not so easy to solve. we do not have a best set of sheets and bedlinin either, but that is not so difficult to solve. (tesco's cheapest though!)

I would have to move stuff out of the room and store and/or lock it somewhere else.

do you have a sofa bed somewhere?

flatbread · 08/10/2011 23:13

Well, Stropzilla, hosting people, even when you have a spare room, is intrusive. You often have to wake up early if your guests are early risers, or stay up late, if they go to sleep in the wee hours. You make food they like, and put up with extra noise and disruption to your schedule to accommodate guests. Plus it can be expensive, depending on generous a host you are.

Surely if you accept hospitality from someone, you know that you might have to return the favour to them or their family...? If you are such a private person and don't want to share your own space, then I imagine you would be very careful about what you accept from others. Surely no one forced the OP to accept her SIL's hospitality and stay in her holiday home...

It is really simple, if you don't want other people staying in your home (because it is a one bed place or whatever), do not stay in other people's homes either, be it a holiday home or otherwise. That way you won't put yourself in a situation where you come across as being ungrateful and a 'taker'.

runningwilde · 08/10/2011 23:14

Why would they be staying with you and where would you be? I can understand your bil's pov completely

electra · 08/10/2011 23:19

YANBU - I wouldn't want someone sleeping in my bedroom or staying in my house unless I knew them well tbh.

rookiemater · 09/10/2011 09:47

I can see your point although I'm not sure what all the joky cross throughs are adding, either you genuinely don't want them to stay because your room is a shrine to S&M or you just don't want them to stay in your bedroom. Some people aren't comfortable with others in their home fair enough.

I can also see BILs point though, why should he offer you free holiday accomodation if you aren't willing to reciprocate the favour.

MardyMwahHaHa · 09/10/2011 09:54

Don't have a response to the OP but were you aware that you can delete whole chunks of text rather than individual words ?

MardyMwahHaHa · 09/10/2011 09:55

Oh shit!

EricNorthmansMistress · 09/10/2011 12:19

I was going to say that Mardybra

but I did it properly

Acandlelitshadow · 09/10/2011 12:23

YANBU at all but if you do say 'no', I think you need to be prepared for the holiday invites potentially to dry up.

2rebecca · 09/10/2011 12:28

I find this an odd request for your BIL to make and I would reply to him that to you your bedroom is a private space and you would never expect anyone you stayed with to give up their main bedroom for you and that when you stayed with them you stayed in a spare room. I would also explain that his inlaws are his family not your family and having people you don't know staying in your main house unsupervised is different to letting people stay in a usually less personalised holiday home.
It looks as though you will need to find somewhere else to stay in future though.

Littlefish · 09/10/2011 12:34

I think you're being overly precious and quite unreasonable. Your dh's family have been very generous with their accommodation, and you are being quite stingy as far as I'm concerned.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 09/10/2011 13:17

YANBU I gave up my bed to a friend who came to stay for a few days but I wouldn't feel comfortable letting complete strangers stay in my bed.

It's not being precious either, it's just the way I feel. There's a big difference between a spare room and your own bedroom.

Original poster

OohIsThatAFlake · 09/10/2011 21:08

Ha ha thanks for the strike through tip - took me ages to do all individual words! Thanks also for all replies, it's very useful to gauge where I am on the Unreasonable Scale.
FWIW we contribute with presents and wine and meals out etc when we stay at their house abroad and also the same at the holiday home (i.e. restocking food and booze supplies over and above what we have used) plus paying for the cleaner after every stay. DH (who earns the family dollar) has also bought lots of nice bits and pieces for the holiday home, such as a digital radio and speakers, barbecue, bedside tables, dressing gowns, hairdrier, bathroom scales - although not everyone who visits will thank us for that! - books, dvds, table mats, etc and has also done lots of DIY jobs that he saw required attention whilst we were there (DH v practical, hurrah!)
The in-laws concerned are BIL's partner's parents. One is retired, one is not and they have a young son. They are very nice and we have met them a few times at do's over the years but we don't know them well at all.
The bed situation is that our bed (which they would be sleeping in) is broken -remember the whips and chains? and is currently propped up with house bricks. We do obviously need to buy a new bed but would feel somewhat pushed into this by them coming to stay.
Btw, we will be away from home when BIL intends then to come to stay, just to clarify the situation as a few people have mentioned would I have to cook for them, etc. Also, BIL knows we are away so the (frankly, brilliant!) idea of saying we're decorating wouldn't wash.
I have decided that we will move house instead.

OP posts:

Original poster

OohIsThatAFlake · 09/10/2011 21:09

Oh and there's no spare room

OP posts:

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