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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a little peed off at my friend?

19 replies

banana87 · 07/10/2011 10:33

I may just be being hormonal, so please say if I am...

Friend with this girl for the past 4 years. We met when we were both nannies. I had DD 3 years ago and stopped working as a nanny, but we kept in touch.

She had a baby just over a year ago. Right after having the baby she went back to her home country for 4 months. During that time we had her DH round weekly (not because we felt we had to but because we enjoy his company and didn't want him to be lonely).

She has been back in the country since April, and Ive seen her 3 times. I know she is having some issues and quite honestly is probably suffering PND but won't listen when I try to talk to her about it.

Anyway, of the 3 times I've seen her since she's been back, 1 was DHs bday party, which she looked like she couldn't wait to leave. 2 was her DC first birthday, and then a couple weeks ago her DC was in hospital so I took her and her DH some food.

I am having a afternoon tea tomorrow with some close friends and invited her. She has said she can't come because she "isn't ready to leave her DC yet". As in, she has never left her with her DH before and won't.

I think it's a pretty poor reason tbh and am really disappointed and feel she should make an effort after all we've done for her.

Should have said the tea is to celebrate me having another baby.

AIBU?

OP posts:

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 07/10/2011 10:36

Can't she bring the baby with her?

JugsMcGee · 07/10/2011 10:37

I have PND and tbh I struggle to leave the house. Maybe she is really struggling? If she won't talk to you about it, could you chat to her DH?

BluddyMoFo · 07/10/2011 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnakeOnCrack · 07/10/2011 10:40

Go around and have a chat with her, nothing heavy, no pressure etc.. make her feel like she has support. I don't think her not coming to a party is the end of the world.

slavetofilofax · 07/10/2011 10:41

I think if you are aware she may have PND, then you have to accept that she is not going to be rational.

Of course in theory, she could leave her baby with her dh, but if her PND is causing her to think very irrationally, as it can do, then you just have to understand that she isn't thinking straight.

She is giving you a poor excuse not to be at your event, but to her, it's a very real feeling.

You have my sympathy, and I'm trying to take some of my own advice at the moment because of my good friend who has become whole different person in the four months that she has been pregnant.

EllaDee · 07/10/2011 10:50

It sounds as if she is struggling - think about it this way, she has told you she can't leave her DC. That is admitting to you there is a problem. That may itself have been quite hard for her (it'd have been easier to pretend there was a clash of dates, or something). It sounds to me as if she wants to be honest with you, which suggests you are a source of support for her.

I can see it must feel a right pain to you ... but to her, perhaps you are the rock she needs. I would agree with people saying maybe she needs a home visit - or maybe just a standing offer that you're there for her when she feels able to leave the DC.

EllaDee · 07/10/2011 10:51

Btw, I imagine it can't be easy for her if she's in a foreign country, either - maybe if she'd been home her family would have got her some help, so there's that to consider too.

I don't me to dismiss you being upset on your own behalf - I would be too. Just trying to see her side.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 07/10/2011 10:54

In your OP you said her DC was in hospital a few weeks ago, is that right? If so I'd say YANBU, either tell her she can bring her DC or tell her you will catch up another time.

Having PND and a sick baby can't be easy. Give her a break.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/10/2011 10:55

YABU and pretty insensitive too. If she has PND i doubt that an afternoon tea is high on her list of priorities....you do all you do for her because she is your friend and that is what true friends do for each other regardless of whether at this moment in time she can reciprocate!

thisisyesterday · 07/10/2011 10:56

agree that if she has PND she is going to be finding things incredibly hard and you come across as a little uncaring tbh

" feel she should make an effort after all we've done for her. "

would you not have done it if you had realised that she wouldn't come to afternoon tea then?
I do nice things for people because I am a nice person and it's a kind thing to do, not because I expect it to be reciprocated. Even more so if that person is suffering from pnd or anything else like that

I would also like to say though, that some peopoe simply don't want to leave their kids. I didn't leave ds2 til he was about a year because he was breastfeeding frequently and was unhappy without me.
Unless you've said that she can bring her baby with her and she has still declined then personally I think it's a valid reaason not to come.

if you're clsoe to her DH then why not ask him if she is ok?

tryingtoleave · 07/10/2011 10:57

Maybe she is annoyed that you are having a child free event?

biddysmama · 07/10/2011 10:58

yabu and not a very good friend... fwiw my dd is 2.5 and my ds is 13 months and i dont leave them either, not cos i have pnd but because i just dont want to.

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 07/10/2011 10:58

Might she just not want to leave her baby who has been ill? It might have nothing to do with pnd (or it might, in which case give her a break!). I didn't have pnd when my baby was sick and in hospital, but I wouldn't have gone to a tea party without her either. I've never been to a tea party actually. Do people have tea parties?

QuintessentialDead · 07/10/2011 11:00

eh?

"after all we've done for her" What exactly?

If you want to have a child free event in the day time, then be prepared that parents with children might say "thanks but no thanks".

She is not obliged to come to your Tea just because you saw her husband weekly while she was gone.

And it is none of your business if she does not feel like leaving her child with her dh. Family time is precious on the weekend.

WitchesBroomForMyChin · 07/10/2011 11:01

Sorry but i think yabu. I think you need to try and have some empathy for your friend. if she may have pnd depression and her dc has been in hospital she's probably not feeling up to socialising and having to act 'normal' around other people. I think you should just try and be supportive, offer to go round to hers and then be there for her when she's needs you to be.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 07/10/2011 11:21

I meant YABU!

BruciesDollyDealer · 07/10/2011 11:23

maybe you are boring company OP :)

Original poster

banana87 · 07/10/2011 13:38

Thanks for the perspective, I think it's what i needed.

I didn't mean that I expected her to reciprocate, I was just hoping she would. Does that make sense?

I guess since I didn't suffer from PND I'm having a hard time seeing why she is so different, but I can see now how PND is probably affecting her ability to think straight. I do feel sorry for her DH though as he is such a good dad and she refuses to leave him alone with his own dc .

Her DH is aware there is a problem and we have all tried talking to her about it but she absolutely refuses to admit it she thinks she is being perfectly reasonable. There are other things as well like she has for the most part stopped talking to all her friends, though this is much better after I had a chat with her about it. She says she doesn't need anyone, usually turns down invites or let's her DH go on his own to bbqs, etc and she says she's sick. Theist goes on and I think I am being unreasonable as I just can't understand it and she won't listen!!

Ok, so my problem, not hers, what do I say in response? I do want to help her but at this point I really don't know how

OP posts:

EllaDee · 07/10/2011 14:27

Oh, that does sound difficult. I don't know that there is a perfect answer - but maybe just let her know you are ready to talk whenever she wants?

You can't force her to be ok, and probably her DH is better placed than you to get her to see a doctor if it comes to that. It may just be a case of getting a bit thick skinned and inviting her out lots while knowing she will often say no.

I don't know how similar this is, but I've been diagnosed with (ordinary) depression, and I felt terrified to leave my house - even to get out of bed sometimes. It passed, but I felt so glad that afterwards, my friends were still asking me out for coffee. They used to send me little emails to say hi or make excuses to get in touch (like 'hi, I saw this and thought of you' stuff). It really helped.

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