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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about a friends behaviour?

18 replies

lolaflores · 05/10/2011 17:27

A newish friend (i.e. someone I met about 4 years ago). We both had kids at the same time. Anyway, her life has more drama in it than Corrie. For about 1year she seperated from her DH, saying he was abusive in many different ways, which I wholeheartedly agreed with. Supported her, took in things for her, went to visit at the refuge where she was... Then, the U turn. Which I know happens and that is the persons choice. But it went from an extreme of what she thought he was to making up and getting on with things. Fine.

However, she has just had her 2nd child. And they are delighted. And it is like I have faded into the wallpaper. I am bitterly disappointed in some ways. I feel like a mug

OP posts:
RIZZ0 · 05/10/2011 17:31

Perhaps continuing to be friends with someone who probably hates her DH and knows what a mistake she is making, is to much to deal with every day.

booyhoo · 05/10/2011 17:33

what is your question?

Original poster
lolaflores · 05/10/2011 17:33

It must be. She isn't a stupid woman. But the glaring reality must be very hard to shove under the carpet any further. The rictus smile is hard to keep going

OP posts:
pictish · 05/10/2011 17:34

I don't understand what your question is either??

RIZZ0 · 05/10/2011 17:36

I have been the friend in a similar situation, although I was never frozen out, I just didn't get the updates as other friends did, as my response was becoming predictable. So I tried to be supportive and at last, she recently left him and I was there to pick up the pieces.

Make sure you are too when her day comes and take a breather for now?

RIZZ0 · 05/10/2011 17:37

I think OP is asking if she is BU in expecting more from her friendship.

Original poster
lolaflores · 05/10/2011 17:38

The question is whether my feelings of being used by someone are reasonable or not. But Rizzo has been very even handed in pointing out that she may very well be dancing on a high wire

OP posts:
booyhoo · 05/10/2011 17:44

do you really think you have been used? or is it a case of sometime our friends need to lean on us a bit and as nice as it is to be so needed, it can't ever last because that would be an unhealthy, unbalanced friendship for both of you? just because she needed you alot and doesn't need you so much now doesn't mean she 'used' you. yes she used you as a friend but isn't that what you are to her?

heggertyhaggerty · 05/10/2011 17:48

I dunno. It probably depends on the friend and whether she was describing an abusive partner, who is therefore most likely still to be abusive, or if she was being overdramatic and he wasn't abusive in the first place...iyswim.

Are they happy or is it still going on?

Original poster
lolaflores · 05/10/2011 17:49

She dumped all over me for 2 years, I spent HOURS on the phone, cried and comforted her. Now, she doesn't even have time to say hi in the street. As she trots after husband who she accused of being an abusive mentalist. When a friend is in dire straits and you support them through an appalling time, it hurts now that she is so very distant. Am I a dirty reminder? Quite honestly i feel very manipulated

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/10/2011 17:53

Yes, you probably are a 'dirty reminder', sadly

How can she pretend all is well and happy and it's perfect with her lovely loving husband - to you?

So freeze you out and pretend it never happened.

heggertyhaggerty · 05/10/2011 17:54

So is he an abusive mentalist person? (sorry don't like that word)

Or was she being mad?

booyhoo · 05/10/2011 17:58

agree with hecate. if she is trying to pretend all is rosy in teh garden, then she will not want you to be reminding her of the reality of how she was treated by him.

Original poster
lolaflores · 05/10/2011 18:05

No Heggerty he really has some big time issues. Sorry about mentalist word, by the way. I am begining to thin there might be two of them in it. It appears to me that her default setting is chaos and seems to fuddle her way through. I don't want to be judgemental, each to their own, but ffs be a bit more honest.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/10/2011 18:08

No. You misunderstand. I am not saying he is a lovely loving husband - I am saying she cannot pretend that is what he is - to you - who knows - and who she leaned on so heavily

In these situations, one of you has to go. Looks like it's you Sad

Try to just be pleased that you were a good friend to someone who needed you. You can't save people from themselves but you did a good thing by supporting her.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 05/10/2011 18:09

oh - and how can she be honest? to you or to herself? being honest would mean facing it. facing it would mean dealing with it. Sounds like she wants to pretend.

Original poster
lolaflores · 05/10/2011 18:17

Hecate, you speak much wisdom. Thank you mighty queen of the night and all its snuffly creatures, including this bloke. I have to let go, because I will pick this like a scab and it will be me feeling worse. Kiss it goodbye and leave it where it has fallen. Sad face, sort of. On a more cheerful note, he is a mental health social worker.....yea

OP posts:
RIZZ0 · 05/10/2011 18:35

Oh. That's a bit Dexter.

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