to think that gifts should be a surprise?

[Laquitar]

It seems like many people 'request' gifts and couples send links to each other for the christmas present. What is the point of that?

If i'm going to ask dh to buy me a specific scarf that i have seen and him for a specific shirt, then i can buy my scarf and he can buy his shirt.

Do you tell your dh -or others- what to buy you? Does your dh/dp ask for specific presents?

I am very difficult to buy for. I think there is enough stuff in the world, and honestly prefer to buy just about everything except underwear second-hand. DH is relieved to be taken around a flea market or to a charity shop and have something specific pointed out to him.

For years my parents have bought me magazine subscriptions, which I love.

I am sure others would reel in horror, but for my parents' birthdays I buy them a deep-clean from an extremely organised friend of mine. Mum says she gets weeks of pleasure from opening drawers and seeing everything immaculate. It's not a surprise, but it's something they would probably never get around to organising for themselves.

Hmmm, we do both. Put out feelers/ask for something specific and buy a few surprises. That way, it's the best of both worlds. I used to do the same with my sons when they were younger.
What I don't like is what DH's children do....give written "lists" for birthdays/Christmas, before he even gets the chance to ask them, let alone think of a surprise. However, not my beeswax so I stay out of it.

DH seems to be unable to choose a present unaided for anyone. He has made some terrible choices when left to his own devices, a fish pedicure for his old fashioned manly, meat and two veg Dad was swiftly sent back by me last year.
I would love for him to surprise me one day but he just asks for a list of things I would like and picks a few off it.
PIL always used to ask what we were buying DC then announce two days later they have bought said item. I got wise and started saying something else and now they buy the opposite.

YABU.

My last 'surprise' gift was an ornament of a St Bernard's Head on a pile of slate.

This year, I buy my own gifts, give them to DH, he wraps them and (being a drama queen) can easily some utter joy on Christmas Morning AND have decent gifts.

He has bought me some nice surprises to be fair, but its not worth the risk.

Oooh I have VERY strong feelings on the topic of gift giving!

I think you are either a gift giver, or you are not.

I do not buy into the 'you should accept all gifts and be grateful that the person thought of you' argument because quite often, they really haven't.

My ILs have more money than sense and if I don't give them a list of things I would like for Christmas by the 2nd week of November they buy me CRAP that I would NEVER buy for myself or even use. I have a drawer full of paper napkins as proof of this. Their attitude is 'well if you don't like it you can take it back and change it'.

My attitude is, if a job is worth doing it is worth doing properly. So if present buying is not your forte either give a giftcard or ask for suggestions. Don't do a half hearted attempt that you know will mean that the person then has to trek to the shops and go to the hassle of exchanging it.

I have been known to send a link or 2 in DHs direction, usually because I have time to scour the net and he doesn't. Also because english isn't his first language so searching in a second language is even tougher. Most of the stuff I like isn't even available here.

My family are spread over 3 countries. Amazon wishlists are a god send, particularly since you dont have the option of taking stuff back if you get sent something from another country.

As for the 'i can buy my scarf and he can buy his shirt' argument, that only works if you can both afford it. And that opens a whole other can of MN worms - how couples organise their finances.

Is it any different to kids writing to Father Christmas?

But how difficult is it to buy something for your DIL? Or your dh, dn, best friend? Surely you know them enough, you know their hobbies, their dress sense, their house decor, their food/drink preferences... You see them and talk to them throughout the year.

And actually i think it is not always a bad idea to receive something that you wouldn't have asked. Well as long as its not completely crap. For example i have received books that were not in my list to read but i enjoyed them and then bought more by that author. Imo thats another benefit of the surprise gifts. Wouldn't it better if we kept presents low budget, then we could risk it a bit?

My PIL are like this.

To the extent that FIL has a list of CDs which are presented to DH and his brother every year. The same list comes round each year just with the already bought ones removed.

PIL are the most anally retentive people I've ever met. They cannot do ANYTHING spontaneous, and I mean ANYTHING. Surprises are not allowed.

Drives me bonkers.

aldiwhore do you really give him your present to wrap it? I couldn't understand if you are joking or not.

What redexpat said. Makes a lot of sense!

ninedragons - totally agree with you - I loathe the spending on uneccessary 'things' just for the sake of a present - I would much rather receive a charity gift but never have - although I often give them .

Agree re: the deep clean - the best present I got when I had DS was my mum paying for a cleaner for six weeks !

Much better to give someone something you know they want than make a wild guess and get it wrong.

Lists are good because the gift give can exercise some choice and the receiver will still have an element of surprise.

And if you don't know someone's taste, give a voucher.

As for books -- my SIL knows I like books (she thinks I am 'intellectual' haha) but has never managed to choose a book I wanted to read or enjoyed, possibly because she tends to choose from the remainder shop. I'd much rather have had a book token.

Back when we were in our 20s and didn't have much stuff, choosing presents was fairly easy.
Now we're in 30s/40s and have too much stuff, having a list of pointers is invaluable - though I love surprises too so suggest MrNC hits the remainder/2nd hand bookshop. Christmas has become a lot more low-budget and fun which is nice (suspect that will change when all our kids are older...)

Pre-kids, it was still easy to be surprised as the whole family were very drunk by the time we unwrapped stuff and had forgotten what we asked for!

One of my favourite presents was a tube-shape. It turned out MrNC had ordered me a printer which I needed, it hadn't arrived, so he printed off all the Amazon blurb and wrapped it - so I had something to unwrap, a surprise, stuff to read, and what I asked for! Perfect! :)

DH & I generally don't pick out "separate" presents for each other for Christmas or anniversaries. We pick out something together that we'd both like to have - usually we find a good DVD collection that we both like, so then we can watch it together. Sad silly people that we are.

For birthdays, we usually discuss it or give hints. We just always have. We're happy with it - it works well for us.

I have now read all the thread (i could only come for few min and then go during the day. I also did notice the 'scarf' -apologies- when someone quoted the phrase, i don't read my own posts).

Wow, it seems i'm in the minority - only 1-2 people agree with me. That's an eye opener, good job i haven't bought my presents yet. I love surprises and i assumed most people do.

Thanks for the replies so far and please add more, i am trying to 'get it' , i still don't

YABU. I like making lists of things I want, it is understood within the family that I am not requesting everything and that anything I get will be appreciated and loved!

It's a waste of money when you get a load of stuff that just isn't quite right or to your taste, and IMO is disappointing when you open it.

We write lists.

Ever since the year I opened a gift from dh and said, "What is it".

It was a mp3 thingy and i've never, ever, used it.

Now we do lists and choose off them, it's still a surprise because you don't know what's been bought. And when I say a list, it's general, such as:

Jewellery
perfume
pyjamas
cds

We never buy massive items

I like "little" surprises - flowers, card, kitchen cleaned, laundry folded and put away, a book, things like that. I do NOT like expensive surprises for gifts, as:

a- for clothing purposes, I have to try it on, as varying bits of clothing fit in different sizes
b- can only wear certain jewellery due to skin reactions and as I rarely wear jewellery, I am quite picky about what I'll wear (although DH has a pretty good idea what I can wear and like - I just hate spending a lot of money on jewellery)
c- DH cannot keep a surprise to save his soul. Seriously. He ends up buying it too soon, can't wait, gives it to me early, and then goes out and buys another present as well, as he can't stand me not having anything on the day. Now I know to most people that would sound ideal (two presents, right? ) but I can't stand the expense and he drives me nuts for days while he is trying NOT to tell me what the surprise is before he finally gives in. LOL

A gift should be whatever makes the receiver happy

Of course dh knows me in the sense that he knows what my hobbies are, but as they involves specialist literature/equipment- no, he doesn't know exactly which books I would be delighted to receive and which I wouldn't touch with a barge pole: it takes years of reading round the subject to know that kind of thing.

In the same way, I know he paints, but I don't know which paints are good and which are bad or which are right for using on his particular type of paper.

We could give up and "surprise" each other with generic gifts like make-up and perfume and bath oils - but that is another thing dh knows about me, that I don't really use any of those things.

Of course I am delighted when ILs or other people who don't know me well buy those things for me- because it is kind of them- but it is also nice to get something once in a while that I can actually use.

In my extended family we, the parents, circulate gift lists well in advance. This is not to say that you have to buy from the wish list or that anyone would be justified in expressing disappointment if you didn't- their own parents would be down on them like a ton of bricks if they did - but it's a help when you don't see someone that often. Living in the UK I find it very useful to know if a nephew or niece would like an English book and roughly what stage they have got to. We have a general understanding of what kind of price tag is right for the family and though younger nieces and nephews may make wild wishes of the pony variety nobody gets upset or offended. In fact, before I started Mumsnetting I didn't know there were so many ways that people could get upset and offended in this world.

Laquitar - do you genuinely like all the surprise gifts you are given? I'm trying to understand what you don't 'get' about not wanting to receive an unwanted present.

True example - my DH spends a lot of money of buying me expensive bouquets of flowers, yes, they are beautiful but I would rather have a smaller bunch of flowers more frequently from the supermarket, that way I can enjoy flowers more often - also I feel that £30++ on flowers which will die after a couple of weeks is an outrageous amount of money to spend. If I could choose it would give me more pleasure to have a 'charity gift' that would benefit someone who really needs something.

This year my DH was in town with me shopping for my birthday, I tactfully suggested he didn't buy me flowers ............. five minutes later he appeared with a huge bouquet ......... and I have to act pleased .

That is why I would much, much rather have something I actually want !!

I like to get surprise presents for my DH, and he likes surprises I think, but after many times of giving him a present and getting the reaction "Why did you buy me that?" I ask him what he wants or give him chocolates. Boring maybe, but I'm tired of my efforts - and money - being unappreciated.

Stop from me too to your dh

Ragwort, i can saythat i like all the surprise gifts from dh, close family and close friends. Some gifts from distant aunts or other people i didn't like much for example those sets from boots that people recycle every year or vases etc for home. But thats rare tbh. What i very much like is getting 'surprise' books, cds (in the older days), and experiences or tickets. I actually prefer those to NOT be what i had in my mind to read/listen/visit. (this part of my post goes to corytoo btw because she mentioned books). A book that it is not in your list might lead you to discover something new. Same with music or tickets/experiences. Especially if it is by foreign author/artist that i'm not familiar with.
Having said that i would find the situation with your dp and flowers frustrating too Ragwort. Thats imo about people not listening to you when you are talking.

To answer your question about what i don't 'get': a) why wouldn't someone like to receive a book/cd/ticket or scarve that is out of your box and b) does it make you happy to receive from dh/dp a gift that is not surprise? To me it would feel like we give each other our present to wrap it and then swap it and in that case i would prefer to not do presents at all.

Laquitar why does something have to be a surprise to be enjoyable or appreciated? I grew out of that need a long time ago. I don't get why any adult would feel the need for a present to be a surprise. In fact my children have already grown out of it as well. They prefer to receive something that they actually want, as opposed to something that someone else thinks they want.

Reasons we don't do surprise gifts any more in my family:

1. The kettle incident
   My dad thought a kettle would make a great present for my mum when I was little. It was one of those whilstling stove top ones. He was lucky my mum didn't hit him with it. All suprise presents for my mum must now be run by me first and have been since I was 10.

2. The surprise present year
   I asked for a surprise Christmas present once. I am actually pretty easy to buy for and we'd been together 5+ years at the time. He took 2 WEEKS off work to go shopping, nearly had a nervous breakdown, and brought me a Tigger Filo-o-Fax from WH Smith. I did like it but in no way did it justify the DRAMA of those 2 weeks. He said if I ever asked for a surprise present again he would leave me.

That should say I asked my DH for a surprise present once.