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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish that people wouldn't look down on unplanned pregnancies?

44 replies

toptramp · 04/10/2011 22:54

1 in 3 pregnanncies are unplanned. DD was unplanned but very welcome, loved and valid. Am I right in thinking that some people (by no means all) feel that their planned kids are much more valid than unplanned kids.
Ok in some cases unplanned pregnancies are a disatour and may lead to abortion but sometimes (as was in my case) they are a pleasant surprise.
My cousin got pregnant on the pill and a friend of mine was told she couldn't have kids only to get knocked up soon after.

OP posts:

Trills · 04/10/2011 23:39

How is a child valid or invalid exactly?

splashymcsplash · 04/10/2011 23:41

What pees me off is when people have the brass neck to ask whether your child was planned. Like it is any of your business! Never know what to say really.

AnyoneButLulu · 04/10/2011 23:41

Whilst I'm sympathetic to people who suffer failure of contraception that should be reliable, I think bringing a new person into the world is a huge deal that requires a lifetime commitment - hence doing it accidentally is less than ideal. Obviously in lots of families it pans out just fine, but I still think it's best avoided as a rule. Sorry.

Original poster

toptramp · 04/10/2011 23:41

They are of course perfectly valid. I've just had one or two comments that's all.

OP posts:

youjusthaventearnedityetbaby · 04/10/2011 23:42

Hm. Well. Both my beautiful and much loved sons are condom/morning after pill failures. DS1 was conceived just after I had come off the pill, having been on it for 16 years...
I took the morning after pill within the time frame, both times... wasn't sick or anything.
My local pharmacist wants me to give my body up to medical science

Trills · 04/10/2011 23:42

It's not 1% every time you have sex.

The 99% success rate is measured over a year.

When taken correctly, the pill is over 99% effective at preventing pregnancy. This means that less than 1 woman in every 100 will get pregnant in a year. from the NHS

madhattershouse · 04/10/2011 23:43

This makes me wonder about attitudes to multiple births. When I fell pregnant with my 4th child the response was often " Have you not got a telly yet?" but when pregnant with twins, one of whom must be accidental as you only planned for one, the response was always "How wonderful" or that type of thing. Could someone tell me why the difference, I wanted 1 child and had 2 but when our "happy accident" occured the negative comments made me defensive.

Kayano · 04/10/2011 23:49

DH and myself were going to try conceive in June after our holidays. I had been having help for needle phobia and wanted to finish that first

Turned out I got pregnant in may so didn't even get to have fun trying to conceive lol.

However when I told people that we were going to try in June but it happened in may instead (pill failure but good timing iyswim) someone said
'so it was a total accident then'

No!!! It just happened about 20 days earlier than anticipated.
I felt I had to justify it so in the end I stopped. I was very happy and as luck would have it my psychology sessions for needle phobia ended a week later

This is my 'perfect timing' baby lol

begonyabampot · 04/10/2011 23:58

When talking about my pregnancies i always tell people that Dc1 was unplanned (not contraception failure as such) and never realised it might be looked down on. He is very much loved and the best 'mistake' that has ever happened to me.

manicinsomniac · 05/10/2011 00:17

As a young/mid teenager I guess I might have looked own on my future self! I used to think unplanned pregnancies were the result of carelessness. 2 unplanned daughters later I'm a bit more worldly wise and a lot less judgemental! :D

I don't think of my daughters as inferior but I do run into several people who probably would, given that I work in and am a parent at quite a posh private prep school. I don't especially want my girls to know they were accidents but that's largely because the sex that resulted in my younger daughter was not consensual and I don't ever want that coming up with them at any age. I wouldn't really having a problem with older daughter knowing she was the result of a condom failure I suppose!

BagofHolly · 05/10/2011 00:21

I have to admit that I've felt ever so slightly sneery about this once. We had a right old do, trying to become parents. When I was finally pregnant with DS1, one of the local mums asked me was he planned. I explained we'd had a lot of trouble but were thrilled he was finally on his way. She said "Oh we weren't even trying, total accident, but we got pregnant because we're so healthy."
I wanted to tip my decaf latte over her foot and then shove it in her smug gob.

CardyMow · 05/10/2011 00:30

How often does contraception fail...hmmm...well when I fell pregnant with DD at 16yo, I was on the pill - and before you say I wasn't taking it 'properly' - my nan WATCHED ME TAKE IT every morning without fail. I also used a condom. When the condom split - I went to the GP and asked for the Morning after pill. He refused as I was on the pill, and my GRANDMOTHER was in there with me to verify that I was taking it properly every day. I ended up with DD!

Due to the pill not having worked properly, I decided afterwards to have the injection. Which is meant to last 12 weeks. By the time the 12 weeks were up - I was 6 weeks pregnant with DS1. .

I then decided to get a Mirena coil fitted. Which DS2 came out holding. Double .

Then I got diagnosed with epilepsy, and put onto medication that makes your body metabolise ALL forms of hormonal contraception more quickly - so if the 'normal' pill is meant to be 99% effective if used properly will be AT BEST 85% effective if used properly. So I decided to 'double up' and use both the implant (but get it replaced every 18 months instead of every 3 years, on consultation with the Family Planning Doctor) AND have a copper coil fitted.

The copper coil 'worked' it's way mostly out and had to be removed. At which point I fell pregnant with DS3 despite still having an implant in.

Contraception just DOESN'T work with me! Do you know HOW I am not pregnant without ANY contraception right now? Easy! I haven't had sex since DS3 was born 8 months ago!!

CardyMow · 05/10/2011 00:35

And of COURSE - I don't love ANY of them any less because they were 'unplanned'. I had a choice, when I found out I was pregnant with each of them, that would have meant I would not be a parent to them, that choice is there for every pregnant person - termination. I feel that my dc were 'planned' in as much as I 'planned' to continue with the pregnancies.

I don't know what it's like to have a properly 'planned' dc - but I can't see that it would be possible for me to love that dc any more or less than I do the four I have already, or to worry about them any more or less than I do my DD, DS1, DS2 or DS3.

differentnameforthis · 05/10/2011 00:42

Well my girls were planned & I have friends who children were not planned & I have never believed my children to be more 'valid' (whatever you mean by that) than theirs.

I have also had an unplanned pregnancy that I didn't go ahead with. It wasn't because I didn't feel that it wasn't valid because it was unplanned, it was because I don't want any more children & had a double contraceptive failure, but had no idea at the time + pregnancy complications that I suffered with my previous pregnancies.

I have also never come across anyone who thinks this & wonder if perhaps you are projecting a little, OP.

differentnameforthis · 05/10/2011 00:47

and it was ridiculous and slightly heartbreaking how women clearly felt that they had to justify the abortion they were seeking by claiming contraceptive failure

They are probably too ashamed to list those reasons, hester, because others believe that they shouldn't have the right to do with their body what they wish. They need to justify it, to make people think it wasn't their 'fault' they got pregnant, because terminations still carries a huge taboo.

hester · 05/10/2011 01:03

Trills - I should have known that, thank you

differentnameforthis - absolutely, and it makes it very hard for women to talk about their experiences of unplanned pregnancy and abortion, because of this huge social pressure to be a 'deserving' abortion rather than a feckless 'using abortion as contraception' type. Which leads to women feeling guilty about their abortions (completely unnecessarily in my view).

So let me do a little silence-breaking: I was 16, young stupid and in a crappy relationship. I was reckless with contraception because (a) he didn't want to use any, (b) I was curious as to whether I was fertile (I was), (c) I felt a need to prove - to myself, to others - that I was sexually attractive and sexually active, (d) at some deep level I thought that by getting pregnant I would have proved my heterosexuality for once and for all and wouldn't then need to endure the boyfriend, and (e) my life was so miserable and scary and chaotic that the idea of having a baby was enticing. Even though I knew I couldn't have one and certainly not with him.

I was, in other words, very very typical of young women who have unplanned pregnancies.

pissedrightoff · 05/10/2011 01:12

I got pregnant the first month of trying, It was an ectopic pregnancy :(, Then TTC for a year before giving up as not getting pregnant was putting too much strain on our marriage.

Got pregnant with DD (Now 2)that month, Had sex only twice that month, Purposefully nowhere near what should have been ovulation time. Could not have been happier with that unplanned pregnancy.

Went on the pill to try and regulate my periods, Had a D&V virus which must have rendered the pill useless, DS is now 5 months old and whilst I was concerned about the short age gap, I was bloody delighted. The only reason we had decided to stop at one child was that we felt our marriage could not take the strain of TTC so this pregnancy was the best gift in the world.

So the moral of my wittering, Unplanned does not equal unwelcome.

perfumedlife · 05/10/2011 01:15

BagofHolly, what a rude woman she was!

I don't see how it can be taken as anything other than rude to ask really. Its such a private and personal thing, who on earth thinks it's ok to ask if a child was planned?

I get sick of folk asking why I stopped at one. Why should I have to explain my history/health to them?

aldiwhore · 05/10/2011 09:22

We were of the "Let's see what happens" mindset. Babies happen.

We were still floored with surprise, as we'd forgotten about the possible side affects to unprotected sex as we'd been at it so long. So our were planned for 'whenever' but totally unplanned for when it actually happened.

Twice we did that. It was a contraceptive failure though, failure to use any!

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