To feel unhappy & unloved, or should I just grow-up?

[littlepiglet]

As the title says I feel unloved, I guess mainly it's hormones, or mood swings, but I can't get rid of this gut-feeling of utter emptiness, despair, loneliness etc, etc.

DH & I have a toddler, and I'm pregnant again. I'm in my 40s, have known DH for just over two & half years. I was thinner when I met him, and looked VERY young for my age...when pregnant with DD, I put on 5 stone, and the sleepless nights, fact that I'm pregnant before the baby weight came off, has all led to me looking less youthful.

This is where I become unreasonable: I feel insecure (I know that's normal when heavily pregnant), but this is way beyond anything I've ever felt before.

When we go out, DH is less than affectionate. If in town he doesn't hold my hand (OK so I'm pushing a buggy, but he still used to put his hand on mine), now he walks behind me - he says because there's not enough room, yet other people manage to walk together. He gets worse & further from me, if there happens to be young, teenage girls around.

His ogling of other women is pissing me off. It's nor women he ogles, but young teenage girls - some of them in school uniform.

I'm not a prude, or naive, I know that men look at women, but even when I was with a player (a few years ago) I never felt so invisible & undesirable. I've tried to rationalise it, but I have never been with a man before, who constantly turns his head to look at other women (and look them up & down), when with me before - NEVER! If they have it's been discreet, but I've always felt as if they've only eyes for me, when with me.

On his phone is videos of pop stars he finds attractive, and photos of celebs he fancies... This shouldn't bother me, but it does. I used to have them when I was single, but in a relationship, to carry around photos/videos on your phone, of other women you fancy , is just - weird! I'm not talking about porn here (which would worry me less), but to have no photos of me, and just of random famous women he wants to 'fantasise about' is just weird, and not something you do unless you're not with someone you're in love with, or are under 14 years of age.

Worse, the other night we were talking. I mentioned that I'd never fancied a man with balding hair before - and never thought I could (DH is balding), and his reply was "well when you get older your choices get limited & you settle for what you get".

Now that may be perfectly logical & sensible, but it hurt like hell, and kinda confirmed to me what I guessed all along - I'm just the woman he 'settled' for, and he looks at these young girls & fantasises about them, but married me as he didn't think he stood a chance with them...it makes me cry to think that, and I'd rather be alone, than know that he chose me because I was 'available' to him, not because he was in love with me. The stupid thing is, I had a few other men after me when I got with him, so I didn't settle for him.

He's stopped wearing his wedding ring (it was too small, but he got it sized up twice, but still claims it's tight), and has stopped grabbing my hand in the car, in the last couple of months... I feel like a housemate, and an occasional shag, but do not feel like a wife.

A friend of mine died in February at the age of 41, two months after being diagnosed with a brain tumour. Her DH of 20yrs was devastated, and they were truly in love - I mean they still fancied each other - she died knowing she was loved, tbh if I died tomorrow, I would never know how she felt to be loved.

[jesuswhatnext]

so,the not very attractive ex with the bad teeth willingly joined in the threesomes? - considering the things he says to you, do you not think he may have bought her down so low that she felt she 'had' to go along with his wishes because she felt old and ugly and unloved?

he sounds sexually odd, controlling and bullying.

[LydiaWickham]

Most men find their partners more attractive when pregnant.

I'm waiting for you to list his good points...

[Hullygully]

wow what a charmer.

And you chose him, huh?

Let someone choose on your behalf next time.

[Ephiny]

He sounds awful, a really unpleasant man. I am furious on your behalf about the comments about your weight/size, especially when you're pregnant with his child. Just rude and nasty, in the context of the other things you've told us it sounds like more than a thoughtless/ill-judged joke.

And the ogling of teenage girls? That's quite odd, what do you think is going on there? Is that actually the age group he's attracted to? Is he just doing it in front of you to make a point about your age and make you feel bad?

I agree with your mum to some extent that 'passion is over-rated' - my relationship with DP certainly isn't all fireworks and romance, never has been really, but I always feel loved and cherished and secure with him, we genuinely like and respect each other. If you don't have that, and you don't have 'passion' either - well, it doesn't leave much of a relationship IMO.

[leftblank]

My situation is slightly similar. Been with my DP about the same amount of time and we have a 9mo. In previous relationships I have always felt secure and attractive but I put on 4 1/2 stone in my pregnancy. I guess I'm used to a longer honeymoon period and our sex life definitely diminished during pregnancy. It was different to go in to more mundane family life but at the same time I don't think I've ever been happier.

I guess the difference is my DP does not ever throw his attraction to anyone else in my face. If he does eye up other women he does it so I've never noticed. He doesn't constantly mention famous women he fancies and he certainly does not have photos on his phone like a teenager. He has respect for my feelings.

[gigglepigg]

Worse, the other night we were talking. I mentioned that I'd never fancied a man with balding hair before - and never thought I could (DH is balding),".

well look at it this way, if he chose to dissect and over analyse your comment, he might feel unloved and undesired. Many men are very sensitive about their hair loss, so I think you should think about that too. And who doesnt have music videos on their phones? thats very common, and I dont fancy them, just like their music.

I think you are way over reacting tbh. If he says thoughtless things, say to him oh thats not very nice is it. Otherwise think about improving the situation

[gigglepigg]

imho you have rushed way too fast into producing kids. It takes a few years to get to know someone properly, living with them 24/7 and finding out what makes them tick, before the hassle of having babies and more babies.

[gigglepigg]

I think you feel old and unloveable because your partner is making you feel this way

no one can make you feel a certain way, only you can allow yourself to feel that way. It all comes down to self esteem

i learned that in one of my psycho-twaddle sessions

[jesuswhatnext]

thanks for that giggle - if my balding dh starts asking me if i want to lick my friends out i will try and show him more love and understanding, poor lamb

[jesuswhatnext]

yeah! you are not wrong! it was 'psycho-twaddle'!

[dreamingbohemian]

Of course people can make you feel bad! Yes in a perfect world we wouldn't be bothered by insults but it's completely natural to feel low when your own husband calls you fat and ogles other women.

To put it all on the other person and say 'you only feel bad because your self-esteem is crap' isnt' fair.

But I would agree that only someone with low self-esteem would actually put up with this behaviour long-term.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

jesus I married a man with a full head of hair purely because I didn't want to lick out any of my friends.

Fair's fair - if he's going bald, you have to give oral sex to women. That's the deal, don't claim you didn't know.

[manicbmc]

He sounds like a selfish shit tbh. An immature one at that.