to think that sometimes being a parent feels completely fucking uphill?????

[maristella]

I feel like I'm constantly nagging, and I'm so tired of it :(

DS (13) has always been forgetful and dreamy, and it's not getting any better. He has yet another detention this week for not doing his homework; he told me he had done it Fri eve, we went away until Sun eve and got back much later than we should have due to traffic. I should have checked, I know. But he was sent to his room to do his homework after receiving a detention last week too; on Fri I had said no more, and told him to go and do everything that needed to be done.

Every day he is getting negative feedback in his homework planner, every bloody day :( At his school they get a good behaviour stamp for each lesson, and if it isn't issued, a reason id given for why, and it's always for not putting in enough effort.

I fought tooth and nail to get him into the school he is in after some horrible bullying at his last school. I know he played a part in what happened there, but the fact remains that is was badly managed by the school and escalated.

Just the other week his new school have said that if he causes any more trouble he might be moved out to another school. He had been quite devious, and was spreading unpleasant stuff about some boys he had fallen out with and got a slap for it. The school were very unhappy and said that he cannot expect to say such things without causing a fair amount of trouble. I agree. He denies saying anything, but I know when I'm being lied to and he was lying. He simply will not fess up, man up and take his punishment on the chin. He is not rough and tumble, and I understand that he will verbally defend himself very well; it is his form of defence, but I know what he said about these kids and it was horrible, it was not defence but attack. Just dishing out a punishment (no XBOX that eve) lead to him going on and on at me, denying it.

I can;t afford to transport him to another school, and to be completely honest, if he has to go to yet another school in our area I will be mortified. I know that may not be fair, but it is how I feel.

All I asked him to do before I got home today over the phone was to open the windows upstairs, he promptly forgot. Ds is like a sieve, anything small and unimportant to him is simply gone.

I don't ask too much do I? We are talking daily battles over homework; I don't set it, yet I am battling with him. I'm a single parent so all the battles are with me. It feels like the simplest things require ridiculous battles.

I could ahve written this post. Every single day is battle with DS1, who is also 13. I've been in tears several times (not only over him, but it doesn't help)

Really Saltire ?

It's so tiring isn't it? I told him earlier that I feel really fed up; my life should not consist of this much nagging and reprimanding :(

Isn't there a HW club he could attend? Most school run them.

FWIW none of mine ever do home work - cna't say I'm on their case. I don't believe in it at primary level. There was a screaming battle of wills with the eldest. Middle just does his own thing. He usually knocks his out at lunch time or after school before coming home

maristella - it is tiring. i feelas though the hour before he leaves for school adn the time between him getting back and going to bed, is jsut me nagging him or him nagging me. I'm getting a 2 pronged attack at the minute by DS1 and his brother (11) because they want Fifa 12 for x-box as "all our friends ahve it".

it is relentless on and on and on they go.

Yes, he will be going twice each week from now on. I wish he had gone there today but thought I would let him off as we got back at bedtime last night and he didn;t get time to wind down much at home.

What really hacks me off is how blopdy resentful he is when I have to nag him. I start by asking, ask again, nag, nag, then raise my voice. And he is so aggrieved! I don;t think it has to be so difficult, and I feel really fed up with it all

My dd (almost 14) is a fucking nightmare, and has been for about 18 months now. Every single day there is a battle of some sort. It's so very wearing. I really do sympathise.

I did go throughthis with my 16yo - he was the most confrontational little shite going. Slowly we are coming out the other side - but I swear he has PMT! It can be all eggshells round him some days

Sympathies from here, also.

I think you could try to enlist the school to help out, constructively. Speak to your DS's form tutor, or Head of Year, or even the Head if you get a call organised. Ask them to keep him back after school, preferably in an organised homework club, to get him to do his homework.

This way the battle is less between you and your son, and less exhausting for you emotionally. It positions the tension back inside school, whilst giving you a bit of a breather but being a supportive parent.

Also when your DS gets home he is homework-free, and you might have less atmosphere.

I really need to ask for the school's help. But I am really worried that if he gives off a similar attitude that he has outside of school then he will be quite unpopular with school staff :( It is so tiringm i feel exhausted. Oh well, the young sir will be going to bed very soon he won't like it but tough, he has worn me out

Like nailing jelly to a tree. Been there, done that. They come through and rejoin our species. Good luck until then.

Incidentally Maristella if there are grandparents or aunts/uncles in regular contact I expect he's nice as pie to them!

I actually think that the terrible twos was easier than parenting a teenager

Andrew he's great with uncles and aunt but is a shocker towards GP's :( My Dad handles him well and firmly, but Mum doesn't handle him well at all, although that is partly her fault as he does not have a great deal of respect for her as a result of her own behaviour (another thread!)

Saltire the squealy toddler phases were much more fun! The angry toddler can be picked up and plonked in a different room until they are ready to be super cute again I miss my little sweet boy.....

amic I would like to, but his education would suffer massively if he was only given instructions the once, as would his home life. He simply does not have enough privileges in his life to remove one for each consequence! He is also really humiliated when single out in class for not doing homework, he really hates it. The sad fact that I cannot let him turn out like his uneducated, unemployed, unenthusiastic father (who he does not see); I am determined that his life will have far fewer self built pitfalls.

I want his life to be as full as possible, but the effort is emptying my life before my eyes! I feel older, more tired every time he starts (or doesn't start), I cannot envisage quitting smoking without actually blowing a gasket the way things are, and I sure as hell cannot envisage bringing a man into this situation. I have far less support because he is so bloody argumentative. He doesn't just isolate himself!

I may not be able to help much, but I can at least offer you some hope.

Ds1 was exactly the same and I was tearing my hair out with worry. He was on a stage two report at school for not doing homework/detentions/mucking about in class/being mouthy in class- you name it, he did it. All the teachers agreed that he wasn't a bad lad and was in fact very intelligent, but lazy. Between us (school and home) we tried everything we could think of. We removed privileges at home, we gave him punishments for getting detentions, we tried ignoring the bad and praising the good. The school rang us regularly with progress reports (not that there was ever much progress) and we had to go in to see the head of year at least twice every single year.

None of it made a blind bit of difference. But then he started his GCSE years and it was like we had a changeling in the house. Homework was done well and on time. Behaviour in school changed dramatically. He said to us that he 'suddenly realised' what it was all about. He even matured enough to accept that he was going to have to work extra hard to make up lost ground.

For the first time, last year, since he started school (more or less), I didn't dread parent-teacher evening. In fact I was nearly reduced to a snivelling wreck by the lovely, positive comments we received.

So take heart. They can change. But keep talking with his teachers.

Good luck.

I've said the very same just this week... The baby and toddler stages are a walk in the park compared to the teenager thing. Hope things take an upward turn!

My DH is in the military and I am really struggling with lots of other issues, and I think to myself when DS1 starts "Oh god here we go again. it is relentless. I don't know how single parents cope. I'm on my own for a few weeks jsut now as DH is out of the country I am almost on my knees. Next year he is awya for 6 months, and I am breaking out in a sweat at the thought of it.

I don't have the homework issues with DS1 (I do with DS2) but it's the relentless answering back, saying no to me, or the usual "it's not fair".

have a with me x

Also, someone suggested the "How to talk so teens will lsiten" book. I ahve ordered a copy from Amazon, but a few people on here swear it's good advice in it

amic there are so many facilities for post 16 GCSE's, I just want everything to be as straightforward as poss for DS. I remember very well what it was like to not listen to my parents, and I hope that there is still a part of him that wants to listen. I know he worries about his GCSE's, and I keep saying that he needs to be focussed and organised, or he will have lots to worry about, and that by sorting himself out he has a lot less to worry about.

I did ask him last night why it has to be so hard, he says he does try but that is exactly what I do not think he does. I think he regrets not trying when he is being pulled up on stuff by me.

He is one of those kids who without nagging from me would wear he same items of clothing for several months, through lack of thought and after having lost clothes by leaving them places; his personal hygiene would be awful; he would never touch a drop of water and his health would suffer; his teachers would write him off as he would never hand anything in.

Saltire I will definitely drink some with you, although it will have to be later :) My child is actually driving me to drink! I will also check out that book too.

Abby you too!

So today I have the XBox controllers; HRH will get them back at the end of the week if he meets his targets of doing his homework, doing his daily tasks (only ever 1 or 2 things I ask him to do, they take 5 minutes at most), and can show some understanding of why not to be spiteful and wind up people at school.

When he gets them back I will confiscate them ngihtly and he can only have them back when I get back from work and see for myself that he has done everything he needs to do. He will listen or go without!

Oi, give me my son back. Actually, no you can keep him for a while!

He sounds just like mine (nearly 13).

He's more than capable and in the top sets but he cba. He's had the same feedback from school since he started - doesn't do enough work. He does the bare minimum he needs to but no more. If it doesn't interest him it's obvious in the work. It's like listening to teachers talking about a different child!

He also loses clothes, personal hygiene non existent without serious nagging, doesn't drink water, eats very little. Just doesn't seem to have any natural survival instinct, let alone any desire to do homework!

Mine is at home today. He refused point blank to get ready for school and locked himself in the bathroom, coming up with every excuse knwon as to why he couldn't go to school.

I've rung the school and the head of house is ringing me back alter.
I just cannot cope, what with my Fibro, house issues regarding our own house, defence estates issues, falling out with the neighbours and being bullied where I live, I think I need more than a glass fo wine!