to expect my ex husband to interact with our DS (3) when he comes to visit him for 1 hour access

[ToddlersRFab]

split up 1 month ago - he walked out and is now living with another woman. It came out of the blue and I am finding it difficult to get my head around the whole situation.

However I am trying to make sure that he retains a good relationship with DS by giving access 4 times a week.

Tonight he wanted to come around at 6.30 and put him to bed at 7pm. I suggested he come around at 6pm - which he did. But within 1 minute of arriving at the house he had opened up the laptop and was on facebook and other message boards. DS was sitting having a bite to eat and watching TV.

I pointed out that this was not quality time with DS, but his arguement was he was sitting next to him. and he was engrossed in TV. I suggested he turn it off and sit in the kitchen at the table and talk.

This did not go down too well - I am fuming!

The maximum time he spends with him in any one visit is one and half hour - even though I have offered longer.

How do I handle it, and AIBU?

What would you do..... I am still fragile over this whole situation, but trying to do whats best for DS.

TastyMuffins I do now try to go out and not be around when he is in the house. I did originally change the locks, but relented and gave him a key when he went on about access to DS.

Even when I was out, he was on the laptop, as I checked the history.

Have you tried remote control power sockets? Put the modem and router on a remote control socket, switch off when you leave and take the remote control. If he doesn't know what it is, it'll probably take him a while to figure it. Hide the lap top too.

When my ex did have a key, he was unfortunately coming round during the day to watch tv, just because he could. I think I started taking the remote to work with me when I noticed this happening.

You could make a no-screen rule, if it's just for an hour it would be fair, but you really ought to leave the room, shut the door and leave them to it. It's Daddy time and it's not really going to help if you get involved.

He has a key to your home OMG! Ask for it back. Or change the locks again! He has NO boundaries. He still sees your home as his 'second' home. After what he's done to you. PLEASE stop being such a pushover - you do NOT have to put up with this.

If you need to talk to anyone, feel free to PM me.

A key? Laptop access?

Christ almighty this is very wrong. Agree with HCIWH.

Contact centre if he won't respect boundaries. If he can't be arsed to fight for it or bother going then he doesn't care about the child and just wants to remain controlling in your life.

I am rarely shocked on MN but this is terrible!

Don't let him do this.
He shouldn't have a key and this amount of him being in your house is not going to be good for you.
I'd also put the laptop away somewhere - locked if possible and do not let him use it.

I have no regrets in letting my ex keep a key for the first year or so while he was involved with DS, it made life so much easier and less confusing for DS. Sometimes it's just easier that way. OP's ex has every right to insist on contact at his place but that involves his new partner which she doesn't want just yet.

change the locks to your house and put passwords on the laptop. my ex put spy ware on my laptop so he could see everything i was typing. i do access now through his mum now but i had to supervise access at one point and it wasn't easy but things are finally starting to settle.

You are trying to do the right thing the wrong way. You need him out of your house and life while letting the child maintain a relationship with him. I don't see how you can go to longer visits, let alone O/N's if he doesn't want them.
The new partner thing will sting but, sooner or later, the contact has to move to his place so that you can start moving on.
I'd make clear to him that the current arrangements have a limited shelf life and he needs to make more effort of his own.

Unless you have suspicions or indeed hard evidence that XP's new P is violent, alcoholic, criminal or seriously unstable, it would be better to stop trying to prevent her being introduced to your DS. Because the current situation of having your XP back in your house and basically pissing in every corner to mark his territory is much worse for you than accepting his new partner being introduced to your DS. I appreciate that it's hard but the best way to look at the new partner is as a potential extra person in DS' life who will love him and be there for him.

OP, others are very right, it is not going to get easier and you would be much better off biting the bullet and meeting the OW and allowing access in your ex-p's home. If you don't want DS in your ex-p's home, you need to clearly define some boundries

My Exp left at the begining of July (thankfully no one else was involved), and DS is 2.2.

He still has a key and we have daily access Mon-Thur in my home but only because it suits us (meaning me and DS) because of Ex-p's home situation (Ex-p is in a bedsit and some distance away so would probably fall asleep coming home disrupting his routine).

Sometimes he does/has just sat there and watched TV with DS, but as abendbrot and HCIWH it's only a short period of time and you need to shut the door and let them do whatever Ex-p chooses to do with him.

Unless you have concerns about your DS's safety or your ex-p's ability to care for him, what he does and where he does it should be between them to some extent.

Access in my home only works because we have VERY clear boundries about the fact that it is my/DS's home, he only has a key so he can get in with DS with me not present, and TBH I try and time my return from work so it's as close to the end of his time with DS as possible. He does not use anything in the home (even to the point where he will ask for a tea/coffee etc) because it's been made very clear it is not his space.

Good luck, it's a very very hard - I hope you mange to find a better balance for all of you