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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting my mother to pick my bridesmaids?!!

39 replies

Bellar82 · 02/10/2011 17:29

AIBU To shout at my mother for interfering with my wedding plans?

I am getting married in 2013, my partner of 10 years only proposed to me a few weeks ago so we haven't made many plans yet - the only thing we have decided on is that we want a wedding abroad. My Mother is happy that we are getting married but hasn't made any suggestions / given ideas on the wedding .... the only thing she did do today, which has really pissed me off is told my sister she can be bridesmaid (I did not want my sister to be bridesmaid), my sister is in her 30's, I am more than happy for her daughter to be one of my bridesmaids, my mother also told my 12 and 14 year old nephews that they can be Ushers (again, something that I don't want). When we were in private I told her that she had no right to plan the roles of people in my wedding party - she acted all hard done by and said that the Mother of the bride is supposed to help with the planning, she didn't seem to understand that this does not mean she can pick my bridesmaids .... She has now ignored me for the whole day and is acting like the injured party and trying to make me feel guilty. I don't think that I am being unreasonable at all ... what do you think?

I honestly feel like calling the whole thing off ... the only reason why we have never got married before is because of my weird family - Parents divorced, father hasn't spoken to mother in 19 years, father doesn't speak to my siblings... oh what a fun wedding this will be!! Hmm

OP posts:
LikeACandleButNotQuite · 02/10/2011 18:28

Tell her to stop being so bloody melodromatic, the only thing that is annoying is her assumption at how you want your day to go.

Or, let her move out, sounds like a hell of a lot of work having her live with you.

Original poster
Bellar82 · 02/10/2011 18:29

i think that it has exploded today because i am sick of her trying to orgainse my life - its like she wants me with her 24/7, my partner works away and is only her 2 days a week, when he is here she leaves us be but for the other 5 days she wants me to go shopping every day with her, go where she goes etc - she doesn't like it when i arrange to meet friends or when i go to mother and toddler groups etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellar82 · 02/10/2011 18:31

Don't get me wrong i don't mind her living with us, she is just getting very needy ... she's only in her 60's and is acting like a dependent 90 year old!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellar82 · 02/10/2011 18:32

it's like she has given up, she used to clean, cook, bake cakes, make wine etc when she didn't live with me, now she does nothing ... she wont even drive and expects me to drive her everywhere

OP posts:
LikeACandleButNotQuite · 02/10/2011 18:32

You do realise if you were saying these things about your DF, people would be saying "leave the bastard! How dare he control you! Do you seriously want to marry this man!"

You need freedom from her. If this is how she is in day to day life, is it any wonder she is displaying monther-of-the-bride-zilla tendacies?

Original poster
Bellar82 · 02/10/2011 18:32

she has been very ill and has had a series of operations but now she seems to have given up

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 02/10/2011 18:34

Make you sister Matron of Honour - she wont like that title at all Grin

Original poster
Bellar82 · 02/10/2011 18:34

i've never thought of it like that likeacandle but you are right, i guess i just feel guilty because there is no where else for her to go and i know she would hate living on her own - she really can be a lovely woman, she is a wonderful grandmother and gets on great with my partner .... she is just too needy of me

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellar82 · 02/10/2011 18:36

troisgarcons i thought of that but i was under the impression that maid of honour had to be married themselves? I may be wrong? My sister has never been married

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 02/10/2011 18:41

There are no "rules" about who can be what. Pick away.
The one good thing that might come out of this madness, is that your mother might move out. (In her 60s and she is so dependent on you? Only understandable if she also has a disability or illness).

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2011 18:46

Mothers can help plan the wedding, if asked. That means discussing, not taking over.
As to the rest of the issues with her, you need to have a 'conversation'.
If you are happy for her to continue to live with you then you have to have some ground rules.
Limit how much time you can spare for driving/shopping/chatting.
Get her to do some things for you - baking, playing with the grandchildren etc.

Any clubs/friends you can take her to visit?

mumeeee · 02/10/2011 18:46

Bellar82. You do need to have some freedom from your Mother. You say she's only in her 60's . Is there any activities for over 60's around you that she could join? Also if she's saying she'll move out then let her. Then tell her if she means it you'll help her find sheltered accommodation. It might actually help her to start doing things herself again.

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2011 18:47

Maid of Honour - single (maiden)
Matron of Honour - married (matronly woman).

Have who you want!

exoticfruits · 02/10/2011 19:06

Since there was a recent thread where a woman wanted a baby girl because she was already planning her wedding I am not in the least surprised!!
Just tell her that you are doing it your way.

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