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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little bit put out that DD isn't invited...

27 replies

Rollergirl1 · 02/10/2011 15:40

I'm struggling a bit with this. I keep telling myself that it doesn't really matter but I am also a little bit bothered.

I have a friend that I met through ante-natal classes with DS, let's call her X. DS (3) and her DD have known each other since they were born and go to Pre-school together and are good friends. As well as this my friend and I also have older DD's who go to school together and are in the same class. So DD and her DD (lets's call her Y) have known each other since they were 2 (through younger siblings and ante-natal) but it only came about through our younger DC's. Our Ante-natal group continues to meet and the fact that I also see the Mum at school means that I would class us as friends. Not really really close friends (like your bezzie mate) but I would say that she was one of the Mummy's at school that I am closer with.

DD has just told me in passing that it's Y's party in 2 weeks and that she hasn't been invited. DD doesn't seem that bothered by it. I knew that it was Y's birthday sometime in Oct but couldn't remember when. I am quite fazed by this as I just naturally assumed that DD would be invited. To be honest DD and Y don't play together that much at school. They are certainly not best mates. However I would have thought that X would make sure that DD was invited, more because of my relationship with her and also her younger DD and my DS, who are friends (who will also be in the same class at school next year). I could understand if money was an issue that there is a limit to who Y could invite but I know that is not the case. To add insult to injury my DH and her DH also get on quite well. I just told DH and he was quite angry as he thinks DD should have been invited too and doesn't understand why she hasn't been.

My point is that I understand that DD and Y probably aren't that close at school, but shouldn't the fact that we are quite interwoven as a family mean that DD should get an invite? I feel really silly and about 15yrs old saying this but I didn't for a million years think that DD would ever not be invited.

OP posts:
Gigondas · 02/10/2011 15:43

No yabu - i can see how you are linked as families but fact is y and your older dd arent close means why would she go.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 02/10/2011 15:45

No, why would it? It's her daughter's party and her daughter's choice of friends. If your dd isn't among her chosen friends then why would she invite her. Your relationship with the mother has nothing to do with it.

hocuspontas · 02/10/2011 15:46

I have in the past been through the same angst myself so know how you feel! However, 'Y' should have her friends at her party. Possibly mum suggested it and 'Y' said no?

fluffystabby · 02/10/2011 15:46

No, YABU

It's her daughter's party, her DD and your DD aren't close.

Why would she get an invite?

You and her mother being friends and the families being "interwoven" is not relevant.

RandomMess · 02/10/2011 15:47

My dc have small parties, they choose who to invite, YABU.

Feminine · 02/10/2011 15:56

Yabu but ... I would probably feel the same.:)

Reasons you listed, would also be why I would invite your DD in that situation.

IMO ,no right or wrong here, just different feelings I guess. :)

YellowDave · 02/10/2011 16:05

Imho parties are age 1 and 2 are about who the parents know but from 3 (and definately at school age) it is about who the child chooses. My ds2 in particular has always been absolutely adamant about who he does and doesn't want to come. If the dds are not close it makes total sense that your dd is not invited, and she isn't even bothered.

As family friends I would buy a present for their dd regardless, wish them well, and get over it. But I do understand you disappointment

Proudnscary · 02/10/2011 16:08

Ummm I have really, really close friends who don't invite my dcs to their dc's parties because the kids simply don't play together.

YABU and you need to get a grip, I don't understand these posts or sentiments at all I'm afraid.

shesparkles · 02/10/2011 16:10

YABU....why do so many parents feel to entitled on their offsprings' behalf when it comes to other children's parties?

ChippyMinton · 02/10/2011 16:14

YABU
After YR, kids choose who they want to invite to parties. It's not about money, it's about having fun with their own friends.

DrinkYourWeakLemonDrinkNow · 02/10/2011 16:16

You are confusing your friendship with this woman and the dd's friendship. They aren't inextricably linked, especially once dc start school.

The girls have grown apart. For the time being at least. Don't be insulted. The flip side is that you or rather your dd are free to do the same.

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 02/10/2011 16:16

YABU. Once kids are older they tend invite who they want not their parents. Also don't feel obliged to try and convince your dd to invite your friends dd to her party if she doesn't want to.

Feminine · 02/10/2011 16:16

I just think in this case (as there is a family) connection you can see why OP would wonder...

I don't think she sounds at all like she needs to "get a grip" she just sounds like she is just thinking about it.

pigletmania · 02/10/2011 16:17

YABU as you said your dd and your friends dd are not really friends. It might be that by inviting your dd, she has to not invite one of her friends to the party as there might be a limitation in numbers, especially if its at soft play type thingy, or something of the like.

DrinkYourWeakLemonDrinkNow · 02/10/2011 16:25

One of my friends whom I know from early mums group days and now hardly ever see has a dd same age as mine. We've kept tit for tat invites going for years between our dd (now 13!) but it's painfully painfully obvious they're just not that friendly or have a single thing in common.

Oh the relief this year when she quietly at last, left my dd out of her bday celebration. It means we can too. I admit, to my shame, that I really didn't want to be the first to do it, but honestly I do wish I'd stopped it years ago.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 02/10/2011 16:27

I would feel the same way in your position, and if I was in the other mum's situation then I definitely would have invited your DD. But then I guess everyone has different budgets/values/priorities/reasons for inviting whoever they invite, so I wouldn't be too upset by it and would just let it go.

FetchezLaVache · 02/10/2011 16:40

YAB a little bit U if the older girls aren't close and don't play together. Just think of it like this- when your DD has her party, you won't have to feel guilty about not inviting Y.

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 02/10/2011 16:55

YABU and coming across as entitled.

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 02/10/2011 17:04

I don't mean to sound entitled. I guess i just kind of thought that my relationship with the mother and the other relationships between the other family members would transcend. DD doesn't seem that bothered, although 2 of her best friends are going, so I guess in that way she feels left out. And I think closer to the time she might become more upset.

I have friends that are my friends and that have children the same age as my DC's. They are always invited to the DC's parties, even if they don't play with them that much, as I think it is important to foster friendships and bonds and for the DC's to realise that their parents have friendships as well. I guess maybe I kind of assumed that my relationship with the other mum had moved into that territory. Maybe that's why I feel dissapointed.

I do think that a child shouldn't have to invite a child that they actively dislike to their party. But I also think that it is good to teach that other relationships are important too.

But anyway, I am obviously over-thinking this. Thanks for responses.

OP posts:
SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 02/10/2011 17:08

But the girls aren't that close. Would you expect a school mum who you weren't really friendly with but who had a child that played with yours in school to invite you to her party?

slavetofilofax · 02/10/2011 17:15

YABU.

I wouldn't expect to be invited to a birthday party for ds's best friends Dad just because his son and mine are close. It's pretty much the same thing.

This party is not a 'family' party, it is for one individual member of the family, so if that one person is not that close to the equivalent person in your family, there is no reason that they should be invited, even if the rest of you are close.

Pagwatch · 02/10/2011 17:18

Oh it is easy to feel a little affronted but if you really think about it there is no need

You can be great friends with someone and yet your dc are [meh] about each other.

Just imagine you told your dd that she could only have x number of friends and she happily gave tou a list of all the children she picked herself, and your friends dd didn't happen to be on it. You wouldn't in all conscience try and bludgeon her into dropping one of her friends to suit your friendship would you?

Take a deep breath and let it go.

And ignore cries of selfish and entitled . It is like mean spirited psycho babble bingo on here sometimes

pigletmania · 02/10/2011 17:18

roller that is wrong really, if they are not friends you can't make them be. Don't show your upset in front of your dd, if she is not bothered than thats good. Really some people prefer smaller parties due to cost, space etc why should kids invite others kids that they are not friends with, just because their mums and siblings are friends. That might mean children that dc are friends with are not invited to accommodate this, which is not right.

pigletmania · 02/10/2011 17:19

My dc has not been invited to parties in which I am friends with their mums. My dd and their dc are not close or friends so what's the problem. I am not bothered really, and nor is my dd.

cory · 02/10/2011 18:04

What about your own social life, OP? Do you feel obliged to socialise with people whose parents were friends with your parents or do you choose your own friends, people you like? DO you let your mum's friendships transcend your own?

Your respective daughters are growing into a stage where they are no longer extensions of you but their own people who have to make their own decisions about who they want to socialise with.

Your dd will realise parents have friendships too through seeing you socialising with your friends, not trying to take over her social events.

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