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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect to have met DH's uni friends by now?

21 replies

sillywmama · 02/10/2011 07:20

I'm away with DS visiting his godmother. It's been incredibly hard work and last night he refused to sleep until 9 (he's 14mo), then a ridiculously loud house party started in the flat upstairs, waking him up every 30mins or so. I am so exhausted, I just sat down and cried at around 1am (GM had gone to bed and I didn't have the heart to wake her). I rang DH for some moral support...

He was utterly wasted, had 4 friends from uni at our house, all of whom it turns out were staying over in our flat after a BBQ/party. I knew he was seeing a few people for something to eat, but I didnt know they were staying at our house. He's just started his second year at uni. (he's 28)

So far, this group of friends has come round and spent time with my son, walked my dog, stayed in my house and regularly gone out with DH, yet I am still waiting to be introduced to them. He aways arranges these things when I'm not there. I feel really hurt/upset. It feels like he only arranges to see them when I'm away/out on purpose. I may be overreacting because of the exhaustion of this weekend (I've had 2 hours sleep). I don't know though. AIBU??

OP posts:

cathkidstonbag · 02/10/2011 07:33

Have you asked him if you can meet them?

MindtheGappp · 02/10/2011 07:35

If it's any consolation, I haven't met any of DS's uni friends and some of them have been to our house, including overnight. They were drinking too, judging by the recycling bin. He is also just starting his second year.

It sounds totally reasonable for him to have fun with his own friends when you are away. What do you expect him to do - sit in sack cloths waiting for you to come back? As a mature student, he might feel on the outside of the social groups and not feel that it is suitably grown-up to include you in.

The best thing is to talk to him about it.

tigermoth · 02/10/2011 08:01

YANBU at all - he's in his second year at uni so totally reasonable to feel you knew his friends at least a bit. You say DH regularly goes out with them - is this to very male only things or mixed sex things - like BBQs, gigs, parties? If he's regularly going to the latter then it's definitely about time you were invited and if I were you I'd want to know why I was not part of this social scene.

Does your dh think it's ok because his friends have met your baby, been round to your home etc? IMO this is just not the same as meeting you. Do you have babysitting arrangements? Can you go out with your dh and his friends minus baby?

exoticfruits · 02/10/2011 08:16

YANBU-insist that you are introduced.Get a babysitter and get involved.

exoticfruits · 02/10/2011 08:17

He seems to be treating you like his mother/housekeeper.

Original poster

sillywmama · 02/10/2011 09:49

I've asked several times to meet them, yes, and no I don't expect him to sit in sack cloth lol - but actually I dont think it's unreasonable to be asked before four adults (three of them women) sleep over at your house. That's not about him going out - thats about him staying in, with people I don't know in my home. It's def not 'lads' nights out!! We have had babysitters to hang out with my/joint friends, so he's not worried about leaving DS now and then. Its just these friends, they are so clique-ey. Two of them are a couple so it's not even a no partners/wives thing??

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 02/10/2011 09:52

Yanbu

I would be pissed off tbh.

MindtheGappp · 02/10/2011 09:53

Why not be more forceful and pick the time and place for you to meet his friends? Don't leave your DH with a vague request. Tell him to invite a few friends over for supper next Saturday, or for Sunday lunch.

TidyDancer · 02/10/2011 09:58

I was going to say YABU until you mentioned that they have been to your house to meet your DS.

I don't think you need to be overly concerned that you haven't met them yet, but I'd be really pissed off in your shoes if he continued to be obstructive after this weekend.

I would be annoyed if DP had loads of people over to stay at our house without telling me. It's not about getting permission, it's about common courtesy.

kat2504 · 02/10/2011 10:01

He is a mature student who is married with a child, not an 18 year old. Obviously he wants to be involved with the social side of university but that is not an excuse to revert to teenage behaviour.
And you are being totally reasonable to want to know who is staying in your house and spending time with your child.

Rowtheboatashore · 02/10/2011 10:20

He's out of order in omitting to tell you that all these people were coming back to YOUR home - esp if it was planned like that. I think he's maybe regressed, being a twat and in the process been taking you for granted. If this is a recent change then he's probably over-excited at the prospect that he's made it to uni and all that entails (which presumably he didn't experience when he was younger) combined with maybe feeling the loss of freedom that inevitably comes from being a newish parent. That's understandable. But he needs to appreciate that he's got other responsibilities and he can't expect you to literally hold the baby while he lives it up. See if you can nip this thoughtlessness in the bud and definitely insist that you want to meet his friends.

tigermoth · 02/10/2011 10:26

So, you've already asked him about you meeting his friends sometime but nothing has happened so far? Ask again - it is a perfectly reasonable request - if he's chosen them as friends, chances are you'd like them too. Be really upbeat and reasonable.

If you sense he's not budging then I think you have every right to feel very p*ed off. Who does he think he is? It's not considerate behaviour to have these strangers in your house regularly and in effect exclude you from getting to know them. Just because they have formed a clique is no excuse. He is married to you - his family is his number one clique!

If you're faced with this, what I'd do is begin to act vague about your comings and goings. Do you give your dh a definite timescale about when you will be back if you go away at evenings or weekends? This gives him an easy opportunity to plan his separate socialising. If he gets nervous about not keeping tabs on you, it's definitely time to surprise him. Either come back early or pop in to collect something you have forgotten.

kat2504 · 02/10/2011 10:26

Presumably he has decided to go to uni at his age to further his career prospects, not get pissed up all the time and have parties. He should be treating it like you would treat a full time job, ie studying mostly with some reasonable socialising at evenings and weekends like normal working people with families do.

HairyBeaver · 02/10/2011 10:33

Ok OP correct me if i'm wrong, there's 4 of them altogether, 3 are female and the other male is in a relationship with one of the females, leaving the other female and your hubby ?

Staying over at your house when your not there

I would not be impressed tbh

Meteorite · 02/10/2011 10:48

YANBU. Anything to do with your house and your family is very much your business.

RoseC · 02/10/2011 11:08

YANBU. The only reasonable excuse for him that I can think of is that he's feeling like he needs to act the part of carefree student and wants to fit in (relationship with child being much more adult and permanent than a uni relationship [the other couple?] and I say this as someone in a childless uni relationship... although hopefully heading towards the former :) ).

Is there an event coming up (Halloween/birthday) that you could host a brunch/afternoon party for? You could ask for their email addresses and do a round robin and invite a couple of your friends as well. It's a good excuse to gently meet them without any pressure and it's a more family-friendly time (several of our friends have DCs and we all stick to afternoon parties for this reason - if they're anything like us they'll love an excuse for visiting children).

squeakytoy · 02/10/2011 11:18

Hairy, I think you counted wrong there.... 1 male, 3 females.. plus husband.. = 5 people. Two in a relationship equals 2 females and the husband left over.

HairyBeaver · 02/10/2011 11:24

Arh ok thanks squeaky!

Still wouldn't be happy tho. I would be hurt and offended as to why he hasn't introduced me, like I was an embarrassment or something :(

squeakytoy · 02/10/2011 11:33

Oh I agree, I would not be happy either. I have never thought student lifestyles and family life mix well together anyway though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2011 15:15

Two women and the husband left over. Sounds like the title of a farce.

YANBU.

Original poster

sillywmama · 02/10/2011 15:19

thanks for all the messages, I feel much more confident. I spoke to him on the phone (heading home now) and pointed out it was weird to not know these people staying in our home, when me and DC are away, and that in the future I expect to have met people who are trusted to be with DS when I'm not there. He understood (he says) and agreed that he would like me to meet them - finally!! I will be much more pushy and make sure it actually happens this month, otherwise yeah, I will feel like he's embarrassed of me :( It's a professional NHS course he's doing, so it should be a 'job' type thing, not a piss up.

OP posts:

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