Don't want to be a mum

[laluna]

Need advice as I know IABU - just can't get over my extreme feelings of anger that I feel towards DS (5). I feel such an evil bitch for even admitting this but have reached the point where I need to do something about it.

I think that his actions/behaviour are probably normal for a 5 year old but I need coping strategies please. He trashes everything - not necessarily maliciously, but it feels like all the time and I just can't supervise him constantly. Eg helps himself from the fridge, wrappers all over, one bite out of an apple found a week later in a cupboard, pile of printer paper scribbled on and ripped, Yoghurt all over the sofa etc.

He likes to be with DD but as she is 5 yrs older, she has very different interests and generally doesn't want to know!

He is generally happy only watching TV or playing wii which I moderate and try and encourage him to play Lego or cars or train set (etc) often setting it up with him but he never actually plays - just loses focus. It's really hard to identify what interests him and I get frustrated.

I just don't know how to be more tolerant of him - he is not naughty
really but I just feel he can't do much right at the moment despite me trying to focus on positive things when they arise. Feel horrible as I know it is right to pick your battles but I am having a go all the time.

Just really down and trying to recognise it, make sense of it all and hopefully make some changes but don't know how to buck up :-( I think he deserves a better mum really.

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this :(

It is incredibly common though, so please don't feel like you're a terrible mum for feeling down about it.

Are you a single mum, and finding it tough without support? I would suggest going to the GP about this - a friend of mine was getting increasingly frustrated with her 4yo DD, and didn't feel like they were connecting at all, and she went to the GP who diagnosed her with PND. She was surprised, as most people think of PND as occurring with very small babies, but this is not always the case.

I'm sure you are a really lovely mum, try not to worry because things CAN get better!

Also, have you considered star charts or other kind of reward systems? These can be very simple but can be easier for 5 year olds to follow than verbal praise, or being told off for doing something naughty.

Hi, Laluna. You are a good mum. I've seen you post loads on MN and give other people advice and encouragement.

Are you tired? I'm tired.

It's good to vent your feelings and realise what's getting to you. You do need to sort out some rules with your son, so start by deciding what matters and what doesn't. Asking about taking food, for example.

Keep talking to him, and set up boundaries. Lots of advice on MN.

He likes TV a lot? Could you let that go for a while, whilst you work on the other stuff?

Would the mum you think you are bother to post and try to change things?

I would guess they wouldn't.

I still feel as though I'm constantly having to pick DD up on things, and she's 10 now.

They're just different things to when she was 5.

You can say nothing to him and give yourself an easier time of it, but then you'd end up with a precocious brat.

Look at the way he's behaving with a bit of distance from it in your head, you've said yourself he's not doing it maliciously, he just needs to learn the rules.

Thank you for the support. Have wondered whether I am depressed - had pnd after DD was born and required meds for a year. I am married but DH works away maybe 3 or 4 nights a week and I have to juggle my job around this - I work shifts - nights, long days, short days, weekends etc working as a delivery suite coordinator so it's all pretty stressful. He walks in as I go out sometimes and there is a bit of a power struggle as to who is the most stressed! it's just crazy - feel IRS so detrimental to the family as a whole too but not sure how to go about resolving it.

'He is generally happy only watching TV or playing wii which I moderate and try and encourage him to play Lego or cars or train set '
it sounds like he has an awful lot of energy but the activities you mention here - either TV or the ones you encourage - will not drain a 5 year old boy of energy. Do you have any options for taking him to a local park etc so he can run amok and run out his energy every day? or play with other kids?

So sorry you are struggling at the moment.

Can I suggest that you have a browse around www.parentchannel.tv for ideas on coping with your DS. He does sound very normal - bit that doesn't mean that there aren't different ways of tackling things.

So many of the wii games involve a lot of movement, jumping around and burning off energy, so rather than restricting him using the wii, let him play longer, but on the more energetic games..

Park, Bike rides, football. Most boys are a bit like dogs (in a nice way!) - they need LOTS of exercise. Most girls just aren't quite the same. (I have DD 13yo, DS1 9yo, DS2 nearly 8yo, and DS3 8mo).

Agent precocious isn't a negative word, it means exceptionally early developed.

Back to OP, you sound tired. I agree with Hunty it sounds like your DS has a lot of energy. Have you thought about getting him interested in sport like swimming or football to focus this energy on something?

As for the fridge, does he see you or your DH going to the fridge other than when you are preparing meals or getting drinks? My friend's DD started going to the 'treat' cupboard a lot when she was bored, just like mummy.

Thanks for pointing that out mancinleics.

But I was really talking about how people use precocious when they're talking about a child who perhaps believes they are ready to talk to an adult as an equal, and how this belief can come over as very disrespectful.

If the parents don't point it out, who else will?

You need to run 5 year old boys I found.

DS1 will literally bounce off walls and get himself into trouble if he has a couple of passive days.

DS2 is the same. They need lots of exercise, every day or they will drive you up a wall.

We have the xbox kinect now for rainy days, so he can keep moving without making everyone crazy.

Completely agree with pp's who suggest getting more exercise for him. Doesn't have to be structured, my boys love just running around the park, or through the woods etc. And it often makes me feel better to get out of the house too. Do you have other friends or family that you could meet?

In terms of the behaviours that you are worried about, choose the ones which you are most bothered about to begin with and focus on these rather than battling every thing at once.

that you're feeling this way, but the very fact that you are posting here shows that you are a caring and good mum.

My two are exactly as you describe OP. My house in completely trashed. If it's not locked away or out of reach, it's fair game I'm afraid.

You sound exhausted and I can totally relate to that. It's so hard when you're on your last legs and a huge mess has been created AGAIN. Agree with others that exercise is key. If I don't run mine into the ground they are a nightmare.

You do sound depressed to me, OP. It might be a good idea to go to the GP and have a chat. But, on top of that, your life seems incredibly stressful. Is there any way you or DH can cut down on work a bit? Would it be possible for you to take some sick leave maybe for a week so you can get things clear in your head?

Your DS's behaviour sounds normal for a 5 year old. But, you don't have to have a go at him if does do these things. My first assumption when a child does something "naughty" is that they genuinely don't know how to behave correctly, either because they're too young or they've never been taught. So I don't get annoyed or angry the first time something happens (or the first 400 times if it's a really young child!) I just inform them of what they've done wrong, tell them what the right thing is to do and ask them if they understand. If they do the same thing again then I ask them if they remember what I told them and see if they can repeat the right thing. I then warn them about a punishment for future breaking of the rule. Naturally if it happens a third time it's time for a simple punishment like the naughty step. Your DS is still figuring out the world and can easily forget how things work in your house. Give him the benefit of the doubt sometimes and just remind him of what to do but if it's clear that he's being naughty then try to not to get angry, just explain calmly what he did wrong and punish him.

I think you probably know all this, but you're so tired and strung out that you can't manage it. That's totally understandable. Try to get yourself well OP, for your own sake and your son's. One day you'll turn around and he'll be a big man with a deep voice. Don't look back on these years with regret.

CalilnDana you have made me cry with your description of parenting - it is so correct and true and the complete opposite of how I have been behaving recently [:(]

Oh gluttom, I'm so sorry for making you cry. I should have explained that's how I behave in a work situation (as a tutor for young children with SN and a teacher) but I know with your own child, at home, it's a whole hell of a lot harder. My own son is only 9 months so I've not had to practice what I preach as a parent yet. I know for certain that at times I'll get really mad and shout as I think almost everyone in the world does that. Why do you think you're having a hard time at the moment gluttom?

She other thread - Late pregnancy (overdue) with 2 (preschoolers) - maybe a bit depressed - just don't feel myself - being really selfish

OP, sorry you feel this way.

I would say your problem is not that you are not tolerant enough.

IMHO you are TOO tolerant.

As a mother of a boy (two boys) the same age, I can say that I have some rules written in stone, eg:

• they cannot help themselves to any food without asking first.
• they are not allowed to eat ANYTHING on the sofa, we have a perfectly good kitchen table

-if they want to draw, do crafty things they have their own paper and stuff in a drawer, they cannot just take mine

• if they have a piece of fruit, and take one bite then put it back, I get cross and lecture them about waste.

-After eating, they put their things in the bin/dishwasher

I don't sound much fun, do I?!

But simple rules really help with small children.

after all, your sanity is important!!!

I think he probably needs more exercise, boys are like puppies that way. Apart from that enforce crules as Chandon does above.

Sorry wrong thread!!