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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend needs to slow right down? (men related)

11 replies

cakeismysaviour · 01/10/2011 18:48

I have a good friend who means the world to me, but I am getting so annoyed with her at the moment. She seems to be obsessed with having a baby and getting married (but mostly having a baby) to the extent that she seems to be prepared to get herself pregnant asap by any old guy.

I don't think there is anything wrong with her wanting a baby etc, but she is in a constant cycle of meeting a guy, getting engaged and/or deciding to try for a baby within DAYS of meeting the guy for the first time. Then when it goes belly up, she finds another guy within weeks and repeats the process.

This has resulted in various less-than-ideal situations (to say the least), such as her having unprotected sex with a man she had met days before, to try for a baby. She also had a boyfriend who stole from her parent's house when she took him there to introduce him, and there were at least two who were on drugs. The guy himself doesn't seem to be that important to her, just that he is prepared to have a baby with her asap.

I want to help her, and have tried to talk about it with her as tactfully as possible, since she seems to simply distance herself from anyone who openly disapproves of what she is doing. I now find myself getting really annoyed with her for the situations she is placing herself in, even though I know that she obviously has some self-esteem issues and that it is her life in the end.

I just wish that she would look for a man who is right for her and stop selling herself short by going for any guy who comes along.

OP posts:

staylucky · 01/10/2011 18:53

Not being unreasonable but like you say it's her life. She's obv pretty desperately unhappy to be acting this way. Does she have family around her, what do they think, do they know about her plans?

Original poster

cakeismysaviour · 01/10/2011 19:00

Her family know and don't approve, but don't seem to know how to help her. Same as me really, we can see her in this horrible cycle and that it is a sign that she is unhappy with her life, but we can't seem to get through to her that she is doing herself no favours at all.....

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 19:13

What an awful situation. Has she told you why she wants a baby so desperately?

eurochick · 01/10/2011 19:17

It wouldn't be my choice but it's her life. I have a friend who did something kind of similar. Left her husband, instantly got together with new bloke, decided o try for a baby 6 months later and got pg the first month. They've had their ups and downs but stayed together and baby no 2 will be here shortly so it worked for her. A friend of a friend got pg from a one night stand. Probably intentionally although mutual friend has never asked her outright. She's a single mum but very happy with her lot. I might have gone down that route if my now husband hadn't finally proposed (after 7 years) when I was 34. I was on the verge of moving on and trying my luck elsewhere as I had been broody for about 3 yrs.

Original poster

cakeismysaviour · 01/10/2011 19:19

No, but to be honest she has badly wanted a baby for years and years (she is 27), she just always says that she really wants a baby.

I had my first baby last month and I think that has made her even more desperate to have a baby very soon.

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 19:21

Maybe you should get her to read all the problems posted on mn that happen when you're tied to a guy for life who is the father of your child and he turns out to be loser or worse...

Schnullerbacke · 01/10/2011 19:22

I think you need to approach your friend again and try (again) to have another conversation with her. Whatever her reasons are for having a baby, she should do so in a safe manner. Once all other avenues have been exhausted ie find out why the desperation, maybe suggest counselling, perhaps you could steer her towards a donor. At least that way she wont end up with some horrible STD or worse HIV / Hep B & C.

I know it will be a hard conversation but in the interest of her safety I think it needs to be had. Try to be impartial and give her the feeling you are there for her, not to judge. Good luck.

MangoMonster · 01/10/2011 19:22

Sperm donation through the correct channels would be better IMO, although I wouldn't do it myself.

Whatmeworry · 01/10/2011 20:43

Sperm donation through the correct channels

Ahahaha :o

saladsandwich · 01/10/2011 21:15

yanbu but unfortunately i think until she gets pregnant she will carry on in this cycle regardless of what you say.

Original poster

cakeismysaviour · 01/10/2011 22:17

Sorry, have been away feeding DS, putting him to bed and eating pizza with DP.

Good suggestions thankyou, and I will try to get across to her the risks that she is taking re her health and I will also speak to her about possibly getting trapped with a man who could turn out to be violent or worse for all she knows. Whether or not this has any effect remains to be seen..

The donor suggestion is another good one, although I think she really wants to have a baby as part of a couple despite not being at all fussy over the choice of a man to conceive with.

OP posts:

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