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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike the twaddle MIL spouts to baby DS?

57 replies

MrsBloomingTroll · 01/10/2011 04:10

DS is 6 weeks old, not my PFB but my DC2.

Whenever MIL holds him she talks to him non-stop, whether he's asleep or awake, saying things like:

"they don't look after you, do they?"
"they don't feed you, do they?" (she is anti-bf and convinced I am not producing enough milk for him, admittedly we are supplementing but for other reasons, we are very pro-bf)
"I don't blame you for complaining about . I would if I were you."
...and the inevitable conclusion....
"you should come and live at Grandma's house. I'll look after you properly." by dumping you in boarding school aged 9 as she did with DH

She basically has verbal diarrhoea.

She also fusses endlessly about whether he's too hot/cold/sun in eyes/not enough sun/etc when he generally seems to be quite a content little chap and rarely squeaks. Unlike DC1

I don't think she did it as much with DC1, or maybe I didn't notice it so much. Or maybe I just didn't let MIL hold my PFB as often!

DH says I should just ignore her. But I am too hormonal and sleep-deprived for that.

DC1 is 3 yo and I'm also worried what she is hearing and noticing, although she seems to have inherited her Grandma's propensity for verbal diarrhoea and talks all the fecking time rather than listens!

I don't think I can bring myself to say anything to her, or is there a subtle way to get her to stop? (I'm aware of the accepted MN method...)

AIBU to dislike it? Even if it's meaningless twaddle I am a mother with the inevitable guilt so hearing someone say "they don't look after you" isn't very nice!

Oh, and I'm sure some of you have MILs who say worse, right?

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 01/10/2011 08:47

YANBU-she sounds rude and it would really annoy me to, especially as she's saying it in front of your older dc. However, I don't think there's much you can do about it, where my mil is concerned I always bite me tongue and smile as I don't think the fall out would be worth it.

GalaxyWeaver · 01/10/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 01/10/2011 08:54

I'd tell her to stop as it's going to upset and confuse your 3yo.

pictish · 01/10/2011 08:56

Yabu to dislike it, but what you desribe is actually quite common and my aunt used to say the same things to my baby dc. It's not meant - it's simply an expression of affection.

So yaNbu to dislike it, but maybe a little u to take it seriously. x

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 01/10/2011 09:01

I too would be upset about something like that, hormonal or not. It's rude and passive aggressive of your MIL.

I would try to talk to her about it, next time she starts say 'MIL I find it really upsetting when you keep saying those things that are insinuating I'm not looking after my baby properly, I really don't like it at all'.

Robotindisguise · 01/10/2011 09:02

I would make eye contact and say neutrally "That's not very nice". Don't look away first. Repeat as necessary until it stops.

BoffinMum · 01/10/2011 09:03

My mum does this. I respond with things like "Grandma would wheel you around in a golf cart, so I'd watch yourself there". "Grandma would make you eat sprouts, she did to me, you want to watch your back". "Grandma doesn't let you make merry with the sofa cushions, that woman is very strict on tidiness, you're better off over here, mate". Luckily my mum sees the funny side of this. Grin

pictish · 01/10/2011 09:09

Excellent Boffinmum that is exactly the right response. Grin

milforchristmas · 01/10/2011 09:20

Yanbu to be upset, but try not to let it get to you, it is meaningless.

I got flamed on another thread for saying that my DCs had outgrown my MIL; it was exactly this sort of twaddle that they grew out of.

Any attempt on my part to challenge her- she comes up with some real corkers- lead to ill feeling and NO change in her behaviour, 10 years on she still babbles away inanely and she now irritates the DCs.

slavetofilofax · 01/10/2011 09:37

She is being very rude and hurtful with her comments, and I bet she knows it. If your DH won't tell her to stop, tell him you will. You have every right to.

But if your DH really won't say anything (which makes him bang out of order btw), and you want to avoid confrontation, I think the advice given by yellowraincoat is perfect, so I'll put it here again! Smile

Do the same back?

'oh granny's a mad old bat you wouldn't want to live with her'
'you're so lucky to have normal parents'
'mmm lovely milk much nicer than the weird food granny would give you'

milforchristmas · 01/10/2011 09:43

slaveto she could, but then the MIL would probably feel aggrieved and either up her game or sulk.

I did challenge my MIL (niggy nog!) and although she stopped saying that it didn't change the constant undermining whittering her tone.

See it as a long game- you're there 24/7 for a long time.

ShowOfHands · 01/10/2011 09:48

Blush I do this. DH had to stop me in the supermarket yesterday as my stream of dirge consciousness gets quite embarrassing and is generally themed along the "you poor baby, stuck staring at your Dad's big nose and your Mum's big bottom, forced to endure the constant humiliation of us singing nonsense songs at you, not allowed any gingerbread, raised cruelly by people who swing from cooing nonsense at you to muttering expletives at 3am with no rhyme or reason" and on and on and on ad nauseum.

BUT I'm allowed to do it as I'm putting myself down. And it's not a criticism really, it's a joke. MIL will chirrup 'you poor thing ds, starving hungry, passed around all these strange people etc' and I just laugh because I genuinely love her and she's not being serious.

I think it is normal to talk this way to a baby because they spend a lot of time complaining and what you're doing is voicing it. I do it all the time and hear relatives do it too. But the difference is I know there's nothing malicious behind it, 4yo dd isn't upset by it and it's amusing. If you think your mil is using veiled and barbed criticism then I'll warrant she is and no you absolutely should NOT put up with it. But I do wonder a little if it's symptomatic of your relationship as a whole as opposed to being just about the twaddle?

And the fussing? Too hot/too cold/sun in eyes etc? Relatives over a certain age do this. You have to let it go or you'll go mad. I can't be bothered to explain to my mother AGAIN that the temp of his hands means nothing.

Oh my Dad btw has just said to ds who he is cuddling atm "come and live with Grandad, we'll treat you better than this miserable lot". He says it with enormous affection. For me and the baby. I still don't think you should put up with something which makes you unhappy though.

GreenEyesandNiceHam · 01/10/2011 09:56

I don't agree with the advice to do the 'granny would give you rubbish milk/ pack you off to boarding school etc'. I'd feel really childish, it would actually make me feel really embarrassed and feeble.

If it really is upsetting OP, just have a word. Straight out, as soon as it happens; it doesn't have to be a huge deal, just a fairly gentle 'don't say that to him please'.

HildaOgden · 01/10/2011 10:10

It's passive-aggressive behaviour at it's best.She is undermining you,while saying it in a jingly-jangly voise.Huge congratulations to you for not throttlingtolerating her so far.

Pull her up on it.As sweetly as you like (ShoutyHamsters' way of doing it would be good,tell her it's effecting DD to hear such nonsense).

ps...she probably didn't do it to your little girl as much,she may be one of those women who think the male of the species deserve adoration purely based on gender :-)

itisnearlysummer · 01/10/2011 11:58

DH's family are a little bit odd. Mine are too, I might add, but in a different way. DH's grandma died when I was pregnant and his mum asked us to name DD after her. We didn't want to do this because it was very old fashioned (and not in a nice way) but the name we wanted to use was very similar.

So we stuck with the name we'd chosen and consequently for the first year of her life DD was shown photos of DH's mum's MIL and told that she was named after her.

We pointedly told DD in the same singy songy voice that she wasn't named after anyone (because she wasn't) and we did just ask my MIL to stop doing it.

She thinks DH and I are also a little odd (but for reasons I'm perfectly happy with!) and stopped doing it. YANBU to not like it, but YABU to not say anything to her and silently seethe.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 12:02

YANBU

I hate people who talk through babies.

IMO the best way to deal with it is to stop them dead in their tracks by answering them directly.

It normally embarrasses them when you answer what they're saying.

cory · 01/10/2011 12:04

Your dh should be dealing with this. My parents are approaching 80 and I can see that there are still sore points in their relationship due to his failure to put his foot down and keep his mum under control 50 years ago.

I have lovely ILs but I would expect dh to take my part if there was a problem and I would expect to speak to my relatives if they were upsetting dh.

ReshapeWhileDave · 01/10/2011 12:31

Tell DH to have a word. He ought to be backing you up here, not telling you not to be so hormonal! Gah. (Oh yes, I have been here, or in a similar place.)

MILs spout crap, it's their default setting. No no no, I didn't mean that. My MIL came out with 'Oh! are you starveling den? Iz oo hungwy?' every. single.time. either of my newborn boys so much as squeaked. I ignored her, tried (unsuccessfully, cos I is chippy) not to take it as an opinion expressed on my breastfeeding, but it bloody well annoyed me. Far better to nip it in the bud. Especially if an older child is listening and wondering what the hell is going on.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/10/2011 12:39

Rude and passive-aggressive. Say 'MIL, if you have something to say about how I feed/look after my child, please say it to me.' If she protests innocence, repeat back to her some of the things she's said and point out how rude it sounds, and that you don't want your other child hearing it.

diddl · 01/10/2011 14:50

I agree with Hilda.

It´s a way of undermining/being disrespectful while not actually seeming to be iyswim.

IMO it´ll only carry on & she still be saying it when your baby can understand.

Is it still the case with your older child?

ChippingIn · 01/10/2011 15:04

I agree with ShoutyHamster (Sat 01-Oct-11 07:48:07)

plupervert · 01/10/2011 18:42

She is undermining you.

DH's parents were a bit more "assertive" this summer, with some ideas that I (and DH) didn't really approve of (no sun cream, or only apply it once a day because surely any more isn't necessary? Also, expectations for mealtimes: we were nagging him to eat by himself rather than be fed, and I was telling him that if he gets under the table at meals, that is what dogs do, so he would have to sleep outside, etc.). DH and I started commenting back that: "they don't trust us with you, DS!" and the comments soon stopped, as we were asserting ourselves right back!

redexpat · 01/10/2011 18:58

I'm clearly hormonal (39+5) because my initial response would be to take the baby from her and say "If you can't say anything nice then fuck off!"

Someone get this baby out of me.

Digggers · 01/10/2011 19:18

my mum does this

"is your mummy mean to you, abandoning you on own and not playing with you?"

(i say "he's not on his own, he's with his grandma. and stop being nasty or he won't be anyone")

are you hungry, is your mummy not feeding you enough?

(i say " feel free to feed him yourself. unless you're not lactating and his mother. stop being nasty mum")

madmomma · 01/10/2011 20:04

yanbu. She sounds like a dick