about my DH going to the gym?

[CurlyHairGirl]

I have two DSs 3.5 and 9months. Just feeling a bit resentful lately as my DH goes to the gym 3 evenings a week (straight from work so is home by 7 but not in time to help with most of bath/bedtime) and has just joined a photography club which meets once a fortnight.
I haven't been out without the children since DS2 came along. (Have been bfing and he won't have a bottle so can't leav him atm). Guess I am just moaning but am desperate for some time on my own.
My DH is a great Dad an very hands on etc. so don't want to moan about him too much (I'm also glad he makes the effort to exercise and look after himself!). I just feel he gets quite a bit of time for himself but I get none at the moment. AIBU?

cestlavie, lots of 9 month olds will not settle at bedtime without the boob.

And not many 3 or 4 month olds will go for hours without a feed.

The OP's best bet is to get out at the weekend.

Swimming (I go weekly with a friend with an ebf 3mo, Dad and baby have a lovely time while we exercise and she's only out of the house for about 1 1/2 hours).

Evening language/art/craft course at your local college.

Ballet, zumba, salsa, aerobics, martial arts. My mum took up ballet when I was small, my (enthusiastic but not necessarily skilled at childcare) Dad coped perfectly fine.

Walk round the park.

Coffee shop, take a book.

Time alone with their Dad will strengthen his relationship with the DCs as well as giving you a mental as well as literal breath of fresh air

I think it's a little bit concerning that you feel that the children's father looking after them is like leaving them with a babysitter.

He is their father. He should be as much a parent as you are. Is it that he's not happy/willing to look after them, or is it that you won't let him?

Think I definately need to start getting out more. And AnyF, think you are probably right about the guilt being my problem. DH hates that I think of him as a babysitter. Think it comes from my Mum who spent all our childhood trying to keep me and my sister quiet and out of my Dad's way as she thought we just annoyed him. This may have been her problem too tho and not actually reality .

The OP's DH should come home earlier. Then he should put older DC to bed and start dinner while OP feeds and settles the baby. Then eat together and on some nights one person can then go out to the gym, or for a walk, or whatever.

bf at bedtime - ah i see; yes i was thinking op could go out before the time he went to bed, at weekends etc.

tho he would settle eventually - rough tho for the H if trying to settle him yes

or she could go out after he gone to bed.

she said she "cant leave him"

which sounded like "cant leave him at all; ever..."

Curly, you're asking just the right questions and really taking responsibility for your own stuff in a way that's going to be really helpful for you.

You're absolutely right. Where are you going to go? What doyou want to do? Why are you feeling like it's your job, not dh's to be with the children?
Once you start putting it like that, rather than 'is he selfish' 'is it fair' kind of thing,you're on the way to taking charge of your own happiness.

My dcs are older now, but I can well remember bursting into furious tears whendh said to me, take some time out, I'm here, off you go, because I honestly had no idea what to do, or what would be nice. You just have to practise to start with, I think. Go and sit in a cafe by yourself or go and see a movie, or anything, and it will come back, honestly.

Oh, just seen the feeling-like-DH-is-babysitter comment. YABU on that OP. But it's not entirely your fault: it takes two to get into that situation and women are often blamed for it when the man has contributed to the situation too. Can be rectified!

Post, what's wrong with asking if things are fair? Or if her DH is being selfish? Maybe things aren't fair and he IS selfish and action needs to be taken. Obviously there is positive stuff the OP can do as well.

OP, things may well get easier for you as the baby gets bigger. DD2 wouldn't settle for DH at bedtime or in the night for ages and ages, on the rare occasions I went out she would scream for hours. Recently managed to get her off milk during the night (we did the Jay Gordon approach when on holiday) and now she settles fine for DH.

Am still too tired to go out in the evenings 'cos of night-wakings, but it's one less thing to worry about. When I go out it tends to be in the daytime at weekends or early evenings (while DH does the bedtime routine).

Another option if you like the gym or pool may be a local gym with a creche in the day.

Sorry, meant to say that maybe her DH is being selfish in this instance / on this issue, not necessarily that he is selfish in general.

Op the first time I had time out from DD in the day e.g. not after she was asleep anyway and I was exhausted I went to cafe and read a book - it was brill. Others are right - you do need to practice. But this thread isn't so much about time for yourself as your DP realising that bedtimes are hard and it is always better to have 2 than 1. He can certainly go the gym after the DC are in bed can't he.

YABU. His is not an excessive schedule, especially if v hands on the rest of the time. You just need to be a bit more assertive about claiming your own time the rest of the time. Many working parents aren't even home by 7 without the gym anyway.
If you had posted "DH goes to gym/photography 3 x week and won't let me go out" then I would agree that YANBU. But if you choose to feed on demand a 9 mo you have to accept that this will continue to place restrictions on your life. Like most things, it's a balancing act and a choice to be made. Doesn't sound like you have the right balance for now.

post you are so right. That is exactly how I feel. When Dh says things like "why don't go out?" etc etc. I just get upset and can't even think what I used to do with myself before I had my DCs!! Zimm it is about bedtimes being hard but I am starting to realise that I need to work out how to have time for myself and then I won't mind about DH being out any more.

This is really about you, not your DP. At 9 months your baby doesn't need you to be there all the time. You need to find some interests and get out. It sounds rather like you've lost yourself in being mummy.

I just find it less helpful, dozer, to focus on that. Nothing wrong with it at all, but in my experience it leads me to feel angry, resentful and want someone else to fix stuff for me, a bit?
But focussing on what I want tends to lead to me feeling motivated, clear and empowered. I'm not saying I'm right, it's just what I've found to be true for me.
And actually, in more recent years, its been me who's been going out more, having friends etc. It felt reallyimportant for me not to respond to dh's slightly sorry for himself gentle resentment by cutting back on that, because 1. I wanted to do it! And 2. It wouldn't have helped him to get out of the sad hole he'd dug himself, which he eventually did.
But of course if it comes to a real need to share out resources, time, money etc, then equality has to come into it. It just doesn't sound like that's the ops main problem, as it wasn't mine.
again, I'm not saying this is what everyone needs to do, just worked for me.

Aw, it all starts here, curly! Very excited for you!

Cinema, yoga, swimming, art/craft group, learn a language, rambling group, community group, political activism, book group, wine & cheese evenings - get a bit of you back and remember your dh can't babysit, he can only look after the children, just like you.

dozer you can still be my fan

but what exactly do you disagree with me about ?

this man is being selfish, but OP needs to put her foot down (with herself ) and make time for her, and her alone

it sounds like her DH is actually a good guy and wants her get more time for herself (he is probably noticing she is rather frazzled and fed up)

so what does OP say ?

oh, I couldn't possibly ask DH to babysit

oh, I would feel guilty for doing things for myself now I am a mum

oh I don't know what to do with myself any more

OP, don't be all mumsy, you are an individual in your own right, not an all-encompassing goddess who is all things to your children all of the time

give 'em a bit of light relief from you it will do you all a power of good

Totally agree with AF (and I don't often say that ) - it is ridiculous to think of your DH as 'babysitting' his own child.

Just get out and about and do your own thing - I am delighted that my DH has his own hobbies and interests (and keeps fit at his age !!) and he is pleased that I have separate things I like to do - on my own.

ragwort, steady on now...

Thanks everyone! Am feeling much more positive now and am going to put some dates in the diary to go out. Even if it is just to fall asleep in Starbucks (by myself tho, yeah ). And I will repeat "I must not feel guilty...I must not feel guilty".