Am I or is he?

[birdynumnums]

DS1 age 3 has been mithering us to go to my mum's holiday home for ages. To be fair to my partner the last few times we have been it has rained constantly and has been crap. There is not much to do there but DS1 loves playing on the beach and spending time with us away from our computers and all the other distractions that we get at home. I always think it does him good when we go. My mum always offers to take him when she goes but partner refuses because he is overprotective and feels he should not go 3 days without seeing his parents. I think this is spiteful to DS!.

Anyway, partner and I both have weekend off so have arranged with my mum to go tomorrow. DS1 is really excited. Tonight, partner has sat me down, tried to be a bit manipulative and said he does not want to go. Basically he wants me and my mum to go with the two kids while he stays at home, says he will be bored and has jobs around the house he could do. DS1 is a real handful and I feel he just wants a nice, quiet weekend. I am pissed off because a) I don't know why he feels he won't enjoy quality time with his children especially when weather is meant to be glorious, b) I am going to be stressed out dealing with 3 year old and 1 year old alone and c) I think it is unfair that he will never let DS1 go with his nan which would mean both of us could get a break being as though he is willing not to see him for a weekend anyway.

I have told him i think he is selfish and miserable. To appease me, he has suggested that a) he stays with DS2 aged 13 montha while I go with DS1 ( I think this is mean to DS2) and b) none of us go and we spend the weekend playing in the garden (obviously DS1 will be upset because my mum has been telling him all week he is going to her holiday caravan). Am I ureasonable to make partner go where he does not want to go? Or is he being miserable and selfish?

I don't think it's a big deal, my dh wouldn't want to spend a weekend with my mother!

I would def take both kids with you though, not just your ds - that's unfair on dd and your mum and won't you wish she was there? - but make sure you get a night or two off soon.

Well I would make him go, frankly. Even if he sulks about it. In fact especially if he sulks about it.

I presume he agreed to go when this was first planned? If so he should stick to it. His time for objecting was when the plan was first suggested. He's got no reason for backing out now except for thinking he might be a bit bored. Well tough - his son wants to go, is expecting his Dad to be there, and will enjoy spending time with him.

YANBU and I don't really understand all these people saying you should go without him because he's going to be a miseryguts. That'll just show him that he can get out of things he finds boring (but which benefit the rest of the family) if he sulks a bit.

My ex was like this. He hated the whole 'family day out' set up. I got fed up with arguing about it and just used to go on my own.

DS and I became a bit disconnected from him. It became us and him. He became more obsessed with work/football/anything that got him out of the house and we split up.
Family time with toddlers is hard work but if you opt out all the time then you stop being a family unit.

He is being selfish imo - its one weekend FFS and would mean a lot to your DS to have him there.
YANBU!!!

Minpie how do you 'make' an adult do something? He's her husband not a little boy.

Well I agree with others that he should have said he didnt' want to go when the subject was first broached (although as arranged it to take advantage of the nice weather presumably this was only a couple of days ago? Did he actually agree he would go, or was this assumed?).

However his suggestion to looks after DS2 sounds like a win-win situation for everyone (and make sure you insist that he gets the jobs done :) ). As lots of PPs have said, spending a weekend with the MiL in a place you don't like is not something that everyone wants to do.

Incidentally I wasn't happy to let DS go away with his grandmother when he was 3. This was for a number of good reason (one of which was that I didn't think he should be away from both parents for that length of tmie - very clingy sensitive child upset by change). I don't think this necessarily makes him controlling - especially since you'll still have DS2 to look after so it's not as though it would be a childfree break.

I think he is BU - as he pulled this stunt well after plans were made, right on the eve of departure. I think he should go with the original plan, but I don't know how likely it us that you can persuade him now or indeed whether he will behave himself (IYSWIM it might be better if he didn't go rather than have him present but actively sulking and ruining it for everyone).

And I'd read him the riot act about sticking to plans once they are made. The time to raise objections or out forward alternatives are when everything is being arranged, not after it's finalised. He might simply not like going to MILs, and minimising (but not stopping) his visas might be the sensible solution for the future. But that should be by agreement between the two of you. Not a last minute declaration like this.

Proud obviously she can't make him go if he flat out refuses. But she asked "Am I ureasonable to make partner go where he does not want to go?" so presumably she does have some say in the matter one way or the other.

Her OP sounded like he had said "I don't want to go, is that ok". So she can say "no, it's not ok". She can make her feelings very very plain.

I don't get why he is happy not to see the children all weekend,
but won't let them go away with granny on their own for a weekend as he feels a weekend away from them is too much.

I'd be all like, wtf? What is he planning for the weekend really?

YABU I would go without him , and I do go without my DH more often than I go with him. he would utterley hate a caravan / chalet type holiday so he carries on at work and me and my mum take the kids (4,2,6months). I wouldnt make him use his weekends / hoilday going somewhere he wouldnt want to be, it is HIS free time after all. Go and have fun without him. You can go away together when its somewhere you will ALL enjoy.

go without him and have a nice time time your mother and dc.

suggest he plans the next weekend away with the dc - somewhere he wants to go .

btw -"he is a bit controlling in terms of DS1 but only when it suits him"

people who control/bully -well they always do it when it suits them.
they dont do it all the time because otherwise you would leave.
they are always nice nice nice at some times. horrible at others. l
eave you reeling.
then you try and make sure you dont get mr nasty by changng your behaviour and always appesing them....is that going on here? think a bit more about how much and when he does control and is there a bigger issue here?

My DH can be a bit Luke this and, honestly, the best day of our holiday was the one where DS and I hired a bike and went off on our own together. We had a wonderful day and DH was a bit quiet that evening when DS was babbling away about all the brilliant things we had done (mostly involving playgrounds, to be fair).

Go without him, have a fab time and enjoy your DCs in the sun. It'll be loads better than spending two days with a misery guts who hasn't the sense to appreciate how lucky he is.