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AIBU?

Funerals/unpaid leave....and 'respect'

127 replies

troisgarcons · 28/09/2011 20:46

Run with me on this one before the pitchforks come out.

Many of us get to a certain age when funerals of friends parents (and our own parents) become more frequent. These are people who, had us in their houses growning up and quite often you still maintain a good relationship with.

Most of us that work have a certain flexibily, either to swap shifts or may be work a lunch hour and leave early etc if there is a childcare issue or medical appt.

However it's becoming more and more prevalent that if you verify there is a funeral you would like to attend (the only exceptions being parent/spouse/child) that you are expected to take unpaid leave.

There was a time when it was expected that a business would shut down for the afternoon of a funeral and every one went. Simply because its respectful.

Over the past three years, some long serving albeit retired staff where I work have passed on. The funerals were at 3pm, same time as the school hours finish. Only two staff were allowed to go to 'represent' despite lessons would have been easily covered.

There was a funeral recently I wanted to go to (parent of a dear friend) and I offered to swap 2 lunch breaks for an early getaway. Refused point blank and told to take unpaid leave as flexi time wasn't ever going to happen and I shouldnt ask for it.

Similarly, at BILS workplace (large blue chip company), a woman lost her husband and was told she would get 3 days paid leave to 'sort things' and she was expected back at her desk on the 4th day.

Im not suggesting people should become professional mourners, and seek to attend funerals for the hell of it/on a whim but where the heck has respect gone?

OP posts:

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HedleyLamarr · 28/09/2011 22:10

I took two days off when my stepbrother told me my dad had less than a week to live (my dad didn't want me to be informed that he was dying, he hated the fact that I contacted my mother, the woman he left with no idea where her kids were. I went to see him out of respect to him and the bitch of a stepmother who belittles the shit she put me through by saying I should be thinking myself lucky she took me on, and that without her I would've been brought up in care. TBH, that would have probably have involved less violence. Hey ho.), then three weeks later had a further two days off, all agreed as unpaid leave in a job I had been in about two months. I got back after the funeral and found I had been sacked. Soz for the hijack, but that's the first time I've ever acknowledged anything outside of fambly. Sorry for taking up your time.

upahill · 28/09/2011 22:13

I can't see why people expect companies to pay for people to have time off for funerals in all cases. I would say close and immediate family are the main ones for compasionate leave (partner, child parent sibling)

Don't forget what it feels like to be self employed and having to arrange a funeal. DH plans his holidays a year in advance so he knows when to take time off because it is quiet. However if he has an unplanned day off he can lose hundreds of pounds (which incidently isnt net profit!!)
when his mother died we lost £1000's due to not being available.

troisgarcons · 28/09/2011 22:18

However if he has an unplanned day off he can lose hundreds of pounds (which incidently isnt net profit!!)
when his mother died we lost £1000's due to not being available.

How inconvenient. Was her funeral well attended or did everyone put money over ethics?

OP posts:

upahill · 28/09/2011 22:21

You are so missing the point and that was nasty.

I would love to have MIL back with us and my kids see their grandmother.

I miss her so much

upahill · 28/09/2011 22:22

Oh and yes trois, it was well attended!

troisgarcons · 28/09/2011 22:24

Well it wasnt me moaning Mils death cost thousands in lost business.

which was a crass comment by a dear DIL - by anyones standards.

OP posts:

WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst · 28/09/2011 22:29

3 days!? for a partner? That's not even enough time to sort the legal and necessary stuff let alone take it and grieve.

squeakytoy · 28/09/2011 22:29

Well I would imagine that if you are on a tight budget, having no choice but to lose a few hundred pounds could make things hard.

upahill · 28/09/2011 22:30

No it wasn't.

I was just pointing out that some people think it is ok for companies to pay for them having time off. All I was saying is that there is always a cost somewhere.
Why should employers foot the cost of people having time off?
Self employed or free lance people don't have the luxury of days off with pay but the double burden of losing money and the grief to contend with.

WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst · 28/09/2011 22:31

trois some people can't afford to lose thousands. no matter how much they love someone!

KittyFane · 28/09/2011 22:39

My place of work allows 2 weeks paid leave for a family member, unpaid leave of 1 to 2 days for friend.

This is their policy but it may not be what actually happens in reality.
Grief is devastating and we should ask to be signed off work by a GP until we are able to return.

cat64 · 28/09/2011 22:46

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mummc2 · 28/09/2011 22:48

my DH nan passed away couple of days ago he took the day off (happened in very early hours that day) and having day off for funeral. Work would have given him a few days off but he said it took his mind off it so just took the one.

MindtheGappp · 28/09/2011 22:52

When my mother died earlier this year, I took three days off work. I have no idea what the limits are, as no one questioned the three days. It would have made no difference as I would have taken these days paid or unpaid.

We do actually have a policy about 'close' relatives. I haven't checked it out to this day as you don't get much closer than your own mother.

I think that you do have to limit your days of incapacity. To me, the funeral is closure and life should get back to normal. When dealing with the deaths of elderly relatives who have had a good life, there is no need for excessive mourning. My mother died on a Thursday, early hours, and I worked from Thursday until the following Tuesday. Her funeral was the following Thurs day and we travelled there and back on the Wednesday and Friday. My brother took care of the arrangements, so I would have needed more time in situ had it all been down to me.

I think perhaps we can learn from our ancestors about how to pay respect and mourn. They would wear their black clothes for a certain time after death while getting on with their lives. Nowadays, few people wear black (esp in England).

MindtheGappp · 28/09/2011 23:00

I don't think it is fair on employers to have open ended policies. There have to be limits.

Everyone knows which relatives they have that are about to pop their clogs. Why can't individuals make the necessary savings to enable them to take time off work? Why should it be up to the employer to carry the load?

The main thing to me would be to be allowed the time off work. Being paid for it is a bonus.

thatsenough · 28/09/2011 23:04

Mindthegap - I had no idea my Mum was about to "pop her clogs" - I find the tone of your posts heartless to say the least.

MindtheGappp · 28/09/2011 23:05

Any adult surely has to anticipate that their own parents are not going to live forever.

cat64 · 28/09/2011 23:07

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cat64 · 28/09/2011 23:08

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lancaster · 28/09/2011 23:10

thatsenough as a GP I would be more than happy to give you a sick line and am sure your GP would do the same.

thatsenough · 28/09/2011 23:11

Actually no I didn't anticipate it - actually we were all planning a family holiday at half term.

MindtheGappp · 28/09/2011 23:11

Why do you think that I didn't think through what I wrote? Perhaps I am more pragmatic than most.

I don't think that long drawn out mourning is necessary or healthy.

For some people, there are practical arrangements to be made that means you are busy for a few days before the funeral. A whole week if you have to do death certificates plus funeral planning.

But after the funeral? Surely the healthiest is to get back to normal life ASAP?

WilsonFrickett · 28/09/2011 23:15

mindthegap what a ridiculous post! Should I bank some flexi just in case my DH gets knocked down by a car as well?

For me, it's the almost nannying nature of some employers, with policies for this and policies for that. If you have a good employee who is going to juggle some of their hours in order to attend their best friend's mums funeral - why on earth wouldn't you just let that happen? I have been to close friend's grandmother's funerals, not because I knew the person, but because I loved the friend and wanted to support them. Worked through a couple of lunches to make the time back up, I get to be a decent human being and the company doesn't lose out either.

Whatevertheweather · 28/09/2011 23:16

Our dd recently died when I was 35 weeks pregnant. Dp took 3 weeks off. He is a contractor on weekly pay - he didn't get paid a penny not even the day of her funeral

cat64 · 28/09/2011 23:17

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