Warning: a Christmas related AIBU, three months until Christmas Day but it's already peeing me off

[StripedVest]

DH and I used to go out for Christmas Day to the PILs and my parents, we'd go to one for lunch and the other for dinner/drinks and then swap the following year. When DC1 arrived we decided that year we were staying at home as being out from around 10am to gone 10pm was too long of a day. My parents weren't bothered by this (in a nice way, not a don't care way IYSWIM?) and they still had some of my siblings at home anyway. PILs didn't have any children left at home (DH is an only child) and I felt sorry for them when they commented that they weren't even putting up a tree or having a turkey dinner because there was no point when it's just the two of them so I invited them to ours for Christmas lunch.

Over the last few years this has been repeated, PILs come to ours for lunch and then we visit my parents afterwards and we're home by 5pm at the latest. I'm getting to the point where I want to stop it. It's not that PILs are bad people it's just too much and I end up in a right ratty grot by the time lunch is served that I don't enjoy it.

Every year we say to come round at 12ish, we like to open presents in our PJs and laze around eating breakfast and the DCs are still very young so usually have a nap around 10/11ish. Every year they show up at a random time, last year it was 10 o'clock, the DCs had just gone down for their naps and DH and I were taking a chance to thank each other for our gifts , FIL leaning on the doorbell was a bit of passionkiller TBH and woke the DCs who tantrumed and whined for the next few hours. We don't smack them but PILs kept threatening smacked bottoms if it didn't stop. I was bobbing in and out of the kitchen switching things on/off and checking the turkey, every time I did I had one or both PILs under my feet. I know they were trying to help but this was after I politely but firmly said I didn't need help, I know what needs doing and when while I'm cooking and having someone doing their own thing with it just stresses me. I had then tasting things with their fingers and adjusting the seasoning, re-whisking my Yorkshire batter, turning the oven and the rings up/down, and then FIL decided to help me plate up by simply chucking food on top of other food on the plates - I know presentation isn't everything but everything piled on top of everything else in the middle of the plate drowning in gravy isn't appetising. Meanwhile MIL starts doing the dishes, standing directly in my way, and insisting we don't start dinner until she's finished. I bought a nice bottle of wine and was BFing so only planned one glass, I didn't get any as they drank the whole thing like it was pop. FIL then made cracks about breasts when I fed youngest DC after lunch about how they like a good tete au tit after dinner and if he'd known that was on the menu he'd have saved room and that DH must be in a grump that the baby got there first and haha bloody ha. We played Wii because it's something everyone can join in and FIL kept shouting at the DCs when it was their turn "left LEFT!!!! Where you going?! Go left! Oh for God's sake!", etc.

On the positive side of it though the DCs do love to see them, they're keen photographers and they take loads of pictures during the day and then give us a disc of them and a few of the best ones framed, they always bring either the starter or the dessert for the meal, and they play with the DCs and their new toys, plus DH likes having them and likes that they're not alone on Christmas Day and they enjoy themselves too. It just seems to be me who ends up fucked off and stressed annoyed and twitchy. I'm fine with them the rest of the year, they just seem to save their annoying behaviour for Christmas.

I never intended inviting them for Christmas lunch to be an annual thing, it was just supposed to be the one year but it was then presumed they'd be coming the following year and now it's years later and all I want is one year just us and the DCs with no visitors and no going out. They can come next year and every year after, I can take it if I can just have this year for us.

DH isn't at all receptive to the idea and says they'll be gutted, that they love coming here for Christmas and we've set a precedent having them all these years we can't just refuse this year so now I feel like a selfish cow for even mooting the idea. I even tried a compromise, they can come this year and we'll have next year as our year to oirselves, thus giving them over a year to make alternative arrangements. AIBU to put my foot down and insist on a just us Christmas just this once?

Also, before it's suggested, going to theirs as a change and letting them take the burden of cooking dinner, etc isn't an option. They have cats and DC1 is allergic, there's no dining table and only four seats in the front room, and it's too cluttered for the DCs to be able to play safely.

Sorry for the novel but I feel better for unloading it all!

I think you need to differentiate between not wanting them to come and not being happy about the way they act when they are there. I'm a little biased because IMO Xmas is a time for (extended) family, especially if your kids enjoy them coming it would be a shame not to invite them. That being said they are clearly acting unreasonably in some of the things they do (bf comments, disciplining and threatening to smack your kids, interfering helping with cooking etc). What about giving DH an ultimatum compromise. Since you are happy for them to come this year and miss next, tell DH what your problems are (focus on 3 or 4 issues and keep each one wide as possible so its easy for him/them to follow) and either get him to talk to them or talk to them together (obviously sugar coat it, I apreciate help cooking but when I have a plan which you don't know it is easier to do it myself) and if they don't improve this year then in January tell them you will be making other plans (without them) next year. If they do improve you may find you don't mind them coming so much.

It definitely sounds like your turn to have the Christmas you'd want!

If, however, you don't get it, and they end up coming to you again:

switch things round and go to your parents first

invite the ILs for dinner in the evening at a specific time and make sure you dont' get back till then

pull your FIL up on every rude comment - "that was very RUDE! did you mean to be rude?", "what exactly did you mean by that comment?", " you're behaving badly FIL, should we hit you ?"

tell your dh he is in charge of the food this year (and stick to it, shopping, prep, cooking, the lot)

stash a good book and a supply of wine and chocolate in your bedroom. When it gets too much, announce that you're so tired and go upstairs for a bit

the first time you see them in January, let them know they're not coming on Christmas day 2012

Urg that tit joke made me shudder. Yuk.

Why don't you say you're going to your parents for Christmas Lunch that year and that they should come around for tea? Would be a good start to breaking the habit.

It's a tricky one because unless you instil it in your kids that Xmas means spending it with family and grandparents then when you're a grandparent you might find yourself alone at xmas

Tbh YAB a bit U. It sounds like the only person that is unhappy with the arrangement is you - DH and DC, plus the in laws, all love the arrangement.

Cook something easier to prepare and have your turkey dinner xmas eve or boxing day; be firm about the timings and stress that they're important to your DCs routine; ignore the "jokes".

I think the best solution would be to have Christmas day all to yourselves. See family either side of that. You can get your lunch in peace and enjoy the time with your DC. It is also to my mind the fairest option as you are not favouring anyone except yourselves.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed by the PIL not decorating or cooking just because they will be on their own. They can still see you another day. The photographs would not be enough to make up for the way they have behaved previously. Although you couldn't guarantee that the PIL wouldn't just 'pop by' on Christmas day and make you feel crap if you didn't invite them in for a drink. (If they aren't invited for the day, they can't even be trusted to come at the time they are invited fgs.) In which case going to your parents might be better, less likelihood of that happening, switch to Christmas day on your own next year.

I think your DH is being disrespectful of your wishes by not considering your views and by favouring his parents all the time. There is no precedent that cannot be changed imo. Suppose you decided you weren't going to cook at all? What would he do then? You could present that as an option, if his parents come, he will have to do all the food shopping and cooking while you enjoy yourself playing with the DC.

I have known people who change what they do and where they have Christmas every year with the purpose of not getting stuck in a rut and having to be with difficult relatives every time.

Popcorn, so the only person unhappy with the arrangements is the one who has to cook, and the one who has to put up with her father in law announcing to everyone he would like to suck the milk from her breasts and he thinks his son does too!
Or she could be treated like an equal member of the family and get a turn at a happy christmas. If Dh wants his family there he should be doing the cooking, if PIL threaten the children they need to be told that is out of line and the children need to be told that no-one is allowed to hit them, if they arrive two hours early they need to have it pointed out to them they are early by two hours, and asked why, if the father in law makes any smutty comments he needs to have this highlighted to him a simple "what are you implying?" followed by a "please do not make any more smutty remarks about my breasts please and i would like an apology".
If DH insists that Christmas is only about him and his mummy and smutty daddy then he is a pig, and it will serve him right if Op stands up for herself as it seems christmas only works if she gets trodden on by his family.

Took the words out of my mouth, kelly!

I do think spending Christmas with your parents will solve the problem of having to basically say you don't want to spend it with them - you are not choosing to not see them you are choosing to see your parents and therefore can't see DH's. It's not about rejecting them, it's about being good to your parents.

You have time to see your PIL's now, take MIL to one side and say, you have a problem with Christmas, your Mum has been making it clear she's unhappy with never seeing her DGC on Christmas day, and you think it's going to cause problems if you don't go there yet again this year. Make it about MIL solving your family dilema. Tell her you could see them in the evening on Christmas day, but the DCs might be overtired and "you know how excited they'll be round Christmas day" and it might be better to have a whole day on Boxing day, and would she prefer you come over to her or she could come to you. (I repeat - no 2nd christmas dinner if she's coming to you - buy a load of buffet food, make it clear to DH he's helping you set it all up, make the DCs playing with new toys the focus, not the food.)

Job done.

I mostly agree with Lydia, but I'm not sure about laying it on so thick about how the OP's parents are unhappy and not going will cause problems. That feels to me like dragging the parents into something that they're not really involved in, not to mention emotional blackmail of the PILs. I'd just say (firmly!) that you and DP have decided to spend Christmas Day (or some of it) with your parents, and the PILs are invited to yours later in the day (or Boxing Day, or whenever you can be arsed want to see them), and leave it at that.

I would do what clarice says, if you try to talk PIL round there will be tears, recriminations, slagging off your parents, reasoned excuses why your parents are OK. Just tell them what you are doing this year, and make it clear that them being there for christmas is not going to be an every year thing.

That is better again, Lydia. They can't go to the PIL as they have cats and one of the DC is allergic, (end of original post) also no room for them all. So basically the PIL have been enjoying Christmas at their sons' and DILs effort-free for a few years. Sounds like taking advantage and dressing it up as wanting to be with the DGC. I also think it sets a bad example to the DC that they only ever have Christmas lunch with one set of GPS.

Much as the OP would like to go to her mums, what she would like is Christmas in her own home with no guests and not going anywhere. What are the chances of that, next year the PIL will expect things to go back to their turn going for Christmas.

This is what we do when we want a break from the parents: We announce we're not bothering to do Xmas this year and will be getting takeaway. My mother immediately shrieks with horror and refuses to come anywhere near us. The nice indian takeaway round the corner does all the cooking, everyone gets to eat whatever they want, and no one has to do the washing up. To work it off, we tend to go for a really long walk somewhere too... So we're usually outside during the dreaded family invasion at 12ish...

I wonder if by breaking with tradition entirely, your PIL might go get their Xmas fix elsewhere?

Definitely announce this plan super early - or if there are other members of the family not pulling their weight, make a subtle hint that PIL might like an invite.

How about Christmas Eve with one set of family, Christmas Day alone, and Boxing day with the others? Just say we'd really like a day just for us this year.

Well, YADNBU. But getting the solution you want without DH on board will be tricky.

The suggestion of going to your family is a good one, as it shifts the focus away from avoiding PIL and towards seeing your family for a change, but it's not what you actually want to do.

Ideally, the solution might be to invite PILs round for tea on Christmas Day, and tell them to turn up at 6pm (or 2 hours later than you're willing to have them there). They still get to see the DGC and company at Christmas. You need your DH to support this though.

Other alternative- tell the lot of them that you are having Christmas day off this year. You plan to spend the time with the DCs, playing. FIL and MIL can take charge of all the Christmas cooking as they are constantly in your bloody face and your saucepans the whole time so keen to help. Between them and DH they can get all the food bought, prepared, cooked and cleared up. And then leave them to it. This will show up whether a significant part of them being so keen to come round is that they get a hassle free Christmas.

Your FIL has made some very grim comments by the way. I'd go with utter incredulousness if he starts down that road again- "You seriously want to breastfeed from me FIL? MIL, DH ;FIL wants me to breastfeed him-can you believe it?". Or adopt a very patronising tone - "No, no FIL, you've got this all wrong, breastmilk is suitable for babies and small children , . You see, FIL, it comes out of my actual breasts. It's really not appropriate for grown ups. And it would confuse the DCS. "

Call them on the smacks too. Tell them that you don't smack, tell the DCs that you won't allow them to be smacked.

If you do cook, then "Get the fuck out of my kitchen" with a winning smile, over and over again, should do the trick.

If you really think DH will be difficult - you could be a bit mean, and just cry, and cry and keep saying how disappointed you are and how humiliated FIL made you feel when he said those sleazy, smutty sexual comments to you in front of people. If he still gets his way then on christmas day, keep making sad disappointed faces at him with sad "i am trying my best" smiles.

Yes it is passive aggressive, but sometimes you have to play dirty. You carried his children, breastfed them, slaved after his parents every christmas and ruined your own christmas for years, and put up with smutty sleazy FIL comments about your breasts, so sod it, you have a right to guilt DH on this one.

Oh I'm liking Inertia's idea too - that would work!!