To have hoped for a bit more from this wedding?

[ViviPru]

My best friend is getting married overseas. They live in the UK and have no reason to choose this wedding location other than that they fancied it. We're spending around 2k to attend - that is the best price we could find with a budget indirect flight and sharing a hotel room with another couple.

Were it anyone other than my BF, I'd have politely declined, particularly since it is a long-haul destination I've previously visited and have never felt compelled to return. We've been through a great deal together though, are very close and I couldn't bear not being present on such an important occasion.

I've had a stern word with myself and resolved that as DP have made the decision to attend, we should do so whole-heartedly, and I need to try and be more positive about it. As far as the couple are aware, we've been enthusiastically on-board from the outset.

My resolve held until last week when it became evident that there is very little actual structure to the 'event'. There is to be a brief, low-key outdoor ceremony, (northern hemisphere in October - fingers crossed with the weather ) by low key I mean the small group of guests standing behind the bride and groom as they say their vows, and that is all. Then, 6 hours after the ceremony there is to be a meal in a restaurant across town. When asked what is planned to take place between the ceremony and the meal, the couple have said that they don't know and we'll just play it by ear. Likewise for before the ceremony and after the meal. Its all going to be ad-hoc apparently.

I'm the first to admit I'm probably not normal when it comes to planning events in that I think of every last consideration and leave zero to chance, and I don't expect everyone else to be exactly like me in that respect. Also, were it a low-key UK affair, registry office and bite-to-eat jobby, I would think it perfectly acceptable that the day was going to be an unstructured affair.

In this case though, I'm frustrated that there has been so little thought given to the day itself. I can't envisage any scenario other than the party adrift in an expensive city, in our wedding guest finery, struggling to accommodate the broad range of (and inevitably discordant) preferences from the varied and various guests.

I recognise that on a wedding day, its about the bride and groom and others need to respect their choices, but since we (and the other guests) are travelling halfway across the globe, used up chunks of leave, have forgone holidays this year and made other considerable financial sacrifices, I had hoped for more really. AIBU?

karma well remembered. I'm really having to resist a daily AIBU re the saga of their nuptials.

We ended up having a hastily organised last minute hen-do, I made a how-well-do-you-know-your-groom quiz and loads of other games specific to her and him, bought her loads of prizes for a lucky dip whenever she got a question right and made her down a shot of rum for everyone she got wrong. Considering she'd not wanted "hen do" originally, it all actually went down really well she had a blast and everyone said they had a great time :)

Glad it went well Vivi. I really hope you do have a great time at this wedding. You deserve to, after all the effort you've put in.

Gwendoline do see your point! But it's her best friend, so it shouldn't be too tricky to find an opportunity to talk about the wedding plans, I'd have thought? Easy to say with hindsight though and I do feel for you Vivi!

I really DO hope you have fun... arrange loads of stuff to do for the other 4 days, and go with teh flow for the actual wedding day. You can always bow out if its becoming very dull!

I know I didn't sound sympathetic, I am actually, just trying to give you a little perspective best friends eh? Who'd have em.

It cost my family a lot just to travel to London for 4 daysfor my best mate's wedding, she wanted my boys there (which was nice) but it was a right PITA!! Fond memories though, even if I'd rather have spent the money elsewhere. I have told her that if she ever gets remarried/renews her vows/divorces, I will not travel!

I also said I'd hate a Hen Do... my mate arranged mine, sounds similar to what you did and it was brilliant.

Sorry if I sounded harsh before.. but that really IS brass tacks isn't it?

Nah you weren't harsh, just telling it like it is, which I appreciate.

And thanks to everyone who agrees its not out of order to gently guide the day a bit, even if just for ourselves. I suspected it was the best course of action but wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do :)

Are they mad?
Why getting married in NY if their families and friends are in UK? They don't even have the 'sunshine' excuse

YANBU about this but a little U about the stracture. Go to the hotel for a rest in those 6 hrs or go for a bagel?

A bit of subtle guiding is exactly the right thing to do - I'm pretty easy going, but the number of entire days that have just drifted past with friends murmuring listlessly about how they don't really mind what we do, but not that, or this, or should we ring so-and-so....

ARGH.

There's a lot you can do in NYC; from the way you were describing it, I thought you were maybe stuck in some remote rain forest clearance for five days. Get a guidebook and make a list of spontaneous suggestions that can tumble from your lips as if inspired. It's amazing what concierges can 'just recommend as we were coming out'.

She will be dressed up though and maybe in high heels so not v. comfortable for walking a lot.

I insist, sit in a cafe and eat bagels

Is there any chance that they have a big mad marvelous six hour surprise planned to thank you all for your love and support?

I think they were unreasonable for organising a wedding somewhere so expensive.

But I think you are being unreasonable to expect them to plan the entire wedding day. If they want a chilled day between the ceremony and the meal to just go with the flow, I don't think you should object to that. It sounds great to me. Horses for courses and it is obviously what they want.

V.v. unlikely, get help although, stranger things, and all that! Its the murmuring listlessly and drifting about as described so perfectly by wildfig that I'm dreading. It would be nice go go with the flow, to just take a back seat and enjoy the day. I know I'll have that impending sense of feeling responsible for everyones good time even though I'm not. People tend to look to me for cues.

I've already decided on low heels for any eventuality!

Hmm, this thread's touched a nerve. I'm getting married abroad very soon. Very low-key, very informal, minimum of planning.

I really just wanted to elope, get married just the two of us in vegas or something. My mum would've killed us though and it in the end we decided it probably would be good be have our close family there with us. Got it all booked, informed family and said to everyone one else "Here's the details, if you do want to join us for it", no pressure at all. Turns out quite a few people took us up on it.

So now we have quite a crowd of people going to be there, which I'm absolutely thrilled about as I'm just so touched that so many of our family/friends are willing to spend that amount of money to be there for our wedding day but then started the comments from DM/MIL saying "oh, well people are coming all that way the least they'll expect is blah" or "no, you'll need to do blah, it's not really a wedding without blah". Call me naive, but I thought the point of weddings was really the actual ceremony bit, not how many bottles of wine were on the table, or who did or didn't make a speech.

Sorry for the waffle, but I guess the point I'm actually trying to make would you really want your friends to change their day into something they would hate just so it would conform to your standards? Surely you're going because you want to be a part of THEIR special day? Not them featuring in a carefully choreographed version of what you think their special day should be?

YABU, although I admit I may be coloured a bit by my own situation.

I can't believe you're spending 2 grand on what is little more than a long weekend in NY - and sharing a suite? Are you staying at The Plaza with limousines to and from JFK?

Surely you're including all food/drink/shopping and all entertainment in that sum?

O well, you'll be able to take in the Columbus Day Parade from Fifth Avenue, and the 9.30am Columbus mass at St Patrick's is always worth attending but, if you're doing the same again for other friends' weddings, book a night in NY, hire a car, and stay in one of the many reasonable cost motels or B&Bs upstate or motor around the Hamptons.

I can see how if it coincides with a holiday the prices can go up. We went in April and the last night of our trip coincided with a holiday, and the exact same room that we were staying in magically went from around $120 a night to $500 a night. Needless to say, we changed hotels for the last night.

izzywizzy, as Abs said, prices are almost x4 usual price for Oct due to national holiday. We're staying in the same hotel as the rest of the wedding party, a mid-range, mid-price one. We could perhaps have saved £50 a night at a cheaper one nearby but I think I'd have felt even more miserable if we had. The 2k includes our transfers here & there, insurance and other associated travel costs.

Thanks for taking the time to post an interesting alternative perspective, unfortunate, certainly food for thought. I've been very careful though not to put any pressure on the couple and I'm confident they have no idea whatsoever how we feel. My primary concern is that they have a great day and that's really why I'm posting here, so I don't run the risk of my feelings spilling over and affecting their day as your relatives have.

I think you and the other couple shoud definitely come prepared to discretely guide the afternoon's events.

Could one couple say something like 'I heard there's an amazing X where we could ...' and then the other couple say 'that's just down the road from Y, where we were going to go tomorrow'.

I do appreciate you must be feeling pissed off at the forced choice of holiday, but surely there must be something you'd genuinely like to do in New York, and if it's somewhat quirky or off the beaten track, that might suit this couple better?

YANBU as this sounds too expensive for a wedding!

However, the unplanned part really appeals to me. Perhaps because normally weddings are so structured and dull.

unfortunate, I don't think the OP is complaining about the number of bottles of wine or the speeches. It's more about the fact that everyone is going all the way there for a short ceremony, then presumably being left adrift until their presence is required again at dinner many hours later.

I've been to a few overseas weddings (although in all cases the bride and groom lived there rather than just travelling to get married) and, while nothing was arranged with military precision, they always suggested things guests might want to do inbetween the 'official' bits, took care to spend time with all of us, laid on pre-wedding BBQs and post-wedding brunches etc. In the OP's case it sounds as if the bride and groom really haven't thought about what their friends will do between ceremony and meal.

unfortunate

i got married in vegas and this thread touched a nerve with me! like you i decided what i was doing and said anyone can come if they want - no pressure.

i organised a day with ceremony, tour of the strip, drinks in a bar and a meal. nothing was planned after the meal but it turned into a really good night - as these things often do.

hate to think what my guests were thinking before the wedding!

i would say the same to the OP as a couple of other posters. think of a plan yourself and when everyone else is faffing you can pull it out of the bag. i do this with friends all the time. saves the hassle and i get to do what i want!

LadyClarice thank you, that's precisely what I was driving at. unfortunate's nay-sayers seem to be whinging about the lack of observation of wedding convention which is unreasonable to expect at a blatantly unconventional wedding.

peps That's all I was really hoping for, a skeleton structure like your wedding day with the timeframe in mind.

In this case, I'm not expecting wedding conventions to be followed, just irked at their lack of thought and planning really. We're not even sure whether the 7pm meal is being gifted by the parents as has been alluded to, or if we're all going to be chipping in (which would be fine - if everyone knows where they stand in advance) We've tried to ascertain this, and got the impression that the couple don't really know themselves. Arrrgh perhaps I could break a limb or something....