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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel bad about going to this wedding?

43 replies

booyhoo · 27/09/2011 12:54

my cousin is getting married next year. they are on a tight budget so numbers have to be kept down. we have a huge family never mind his fiancee's family so he has said that cousins aren't invited except for a few. i was close with cousin growing up and i along with my dcs have been invited, my parents have also been invited but my sister hasn't (i only have 1 sibling). i understand that he is on a budget, i really do but this means my sister will be the only one not going. to make matters worse, the wedding is in england (we all live in NI- cousin moved away as a child with his mum) so we will all be flying off for the weekend, so Dsis can't even come along to the evening part.

now here's the bit i feel realy bad about. Dcousin hasn't actually explained that my dsis isn't invited so right now she and my parents think she is invited. i know she isn't invited bcause he told one of my other aunts and her DD (who is my best friend) told me. mum has recevieved a 'save the date' card and mentioned that Dsis's name isn't on it. i told her she would need to check with Dcousin what was happening because i dont want to say the wrong thing and start a row. it is better for them to speak to Dcousin about it isn't it?

i feel bad that she wont be coming. most of the cousins aren't coming but she is the only one whose whole family are going. i love my cousin and i dont want to miss his wedding,i want to be there for him but this is like a bit of a cloud hanging over it for me.

OP posts:

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/09/2011 13:04

I think your cousin has behaved very badly in not making all this very clear.

How will your sister feel when she finds out you knew she wasn't invited?

I think you have to say something. Perhaps to the cousin, letting him know that he needs to make it crystal clear who is and who is not invited as currently there is some confusion.

Original poster

booyhoo · 27/09/2011 13:14

yes you're right, she would be very upset to think i knew and kept it from her. i think i should mention to him that there is confusion and Dsis was wondering if the invite extends to her or not. but i think he needs to be the one to tell her.

OP posts:

ViviPru · 27/09/2011 13:19

You've done the right thing suggesting your Mum talks to DCousin. You need to remain as impartial as possible. I can imagine how you feel. My family/cousin set up is very similar so its really tricky.

Ask your mum if she's spoken to DCousin about it yet and if not, I think you should really press on her to do so.

Balsam · 27/09/2011 13:20

Well, technically, he hasn't created the confusion. Your sister has not received a save the date card, therefore she's not invited. He's not done anything wrong in that sense. Did you get a save the date card or was your name on your parents' one? Does your sis live with your parents?

I'd stay completely out of it, to be honest. You only heard things third-hand anyway so say nothing.

ViviPru · 27/09/2011 13:20

On reflection, Goddess's idea is better - speak to your cousin - keep it impartial and free of your own opinion.

LydiaWickham · 27/09/2011 13:25

How old is your Dsis and does she live with your parents still? If she's still at home, then I think it's rude to invite your parents but not her, if she's an adult with her own home then it's a bit more reasonable not to invite her (I invited my Aunt and Uncle to my wedding but not my adult cousins - to put in perpsective, I hadn't seen any of them for well over 10 years and said Aunt and Uncle couldn't make it anyway).

fedupofnamechanging · 27/09/2011 13:26

Yes, I think you should speak to your cousin and maybe point out that your sister is the only one whose entire immediate family has been invited, bar her. It does make the division between 'important' and 'not important' family members very clear.

Will your sister really be hurt, given they are not very close, or will she understand about budget constraints?

I think I would make an excuse and not attend. I wouldn't kick off to the bride and groom, but I would not want my sister to feel sad. I would just send them a lovely present instead, so they know you are not being arsey about it or anything.

Scholes34 · 27/09/2011 13:27

OP - you shouldn't feel bad about going and you should certainly ensure you don't end up being the go-between. FWIW, my brother and I have ten cousins. I'm close to three of them, my brother's close to another two. We'd both understand fully if the cousins were selective over who is invited where. If your sister isn't able to speak to your cousin direct about this, this only emphasises the reason she hasn't received an invitation this very small wedding.

Original poster

booyhoo · 27/09/2011 13:27

i live on my own but Dsis lives with my parents. i haven't actually got a 'save the date' card as i moved house and i think Dcousin might have sent itto my old house. but i do knowi am invited as he asked me if my DC were coming too so he had an idea of numbers. i haven't seen the card my parents got, mum just mentioned to me that Dsis's name wasn't on it.

OP posts:

Original poster

booyhoo · 27/09/2011 13:31

xposting sorry.

dsis is 23 and lives with my parents.

our extended family realy is huge so there is no way he could afford to invite all the cousins. he really has only invited a small handfull. dsis wan't close to him as he is a couple years older and i understand whyi have been invited ad that she . it's just the fact that her parents, only sister and nephews will allbe going and she wont that i feel bad about.

OP posts:

redexpat · 27/09/2011 13:32

It's possible she's on the B list.

Even if she isn't, her name isn't on the save the date, so she's not invited.

LydiaWickham · 27/09/2011 13:32

Well if your DSis lives with your parents, then it's clear she's being left out, perhaps you could call your cousin with your new address and ask if your sister is going to be invited too as you are trying to sort flights etc and you thought you'd sort them for your mum and dad too, but wasn't sure if your sister would also be invited.

Balsam · 27/09/2011 13:33

How old is your sister?

Balsam · 27/09/2011 13:33

X post!

emsyj · 27/09/2011 13:34

I would tell cousin that you understand he is on a tight budget and that you are going to assist him by graciously declining the invite.

Balsam · 27/09/2011 13:35

You can't ask if your sister is invited or if she can be - it's rude. She's 23 and therefore old enough to understand you don't get invited to everything. I daresay she'll cope on her own for a weekend.

cjbartlett · 27/09/2011 13:40

I would say your dcs aren't going but can dsis go instead
Can their dad have them that weekend?

Original poster

booyhoo · 27/09/2011 13:40

i really dont want to decline the invite. i would be gutted to miss his wedding and he would be hurt that i wasn't there. even if i did decline, my parents wouldn't.

i agree balsam, she is old enough to be able to accept and understand the logic behind it. itis just thatshe is the only one of us that isn't invited. she mightn't even be that bothered about going/not . it was mymum that mentioned it to me.

OP posts:

woowoo2 · 27/09/2011 13:41

I get what your cousin is saying about budgets, but it seems really off to me that your dsis is the only one in your immediate family not invited

Personally, I would not go if my dsis wasn't invited too!

Original poster

booyhoo · 27/09/2011 13:42

their dad is in the forces and even if he knew where he was going to be that weekend. there is no way of him making sure he had it off.

OP posts:

Balsam · 27/09/2011 13:44

In that case, wait and see whether she gets upset or not, once she finds out she's not invited. Do nothing at the moment.

pigletmania · 27/09/2011 14:05

That's really mean of your cousin, inviting one sibling and not the other when there's only two of you, it's not like you have 7 other brothers and sisters. I would get your mum to talk to your cousin. If he still does not want to invite your sister I would tell him to tell your sister.

Original poster

booyhoo · 27/09/2011 14:26

sorry, i was on the school run.

piglet, i dont think he will invite her.

the way i left it with mum was that she should speak to Dcousin to find out if Dsis was invited or not. i think that's the best way as then there ae no middle men or 3rd parties so no room for further confusion. mum is the type that will ask him so i guess they will all know soon enough. i still feel bad though.

OP posts:

gaaagh · 27/09/2011 14:32

So he's not close to her, she's an adult sibling living at home, and just assumed she was invited too, despite the fact that he's on a very stretched tight buget?

In that case I'd say it definitely isn't your place to butt in, and it's certainly not your place to be piggy in the middle here (it's really nothing to do with you, I understand how this might make you feel a bit crap though). Your sister is an adult, she's bound to have learnt that you don't automatically assume an invite to formal occasions just because of duty where the couple don't know the potential guest very well and are on a tiny tiny budget. And if your sister hasn't learnt that by age 23, I think she really needs to take a step back and consider the practicalities of what she's asking here.

If the couple invites her out of duty (rather than a genuine desire to share a special day with her, which it sounds like is the case between you and him) - where do they draw a line? Someone is bound to be offended no matter where the line is drawn. It's ungracious to be hurt just because you're one of the ones outside the line that has been drawn, IMHO.

gaaagh · 27/09/2011 14:34

"the way i left it with mum was that she should speak to Dcousin to find out if Dsis was invited or not."

See, I think if it's approached from a "I'd just like to clarify" angle, that's fine. But I'd be weary of this situation in case it's from a "oh she's invited of course, isn't she" or a "why isn't she invited?" accusatory angle.

I'm not sure why anyone other than a child would assume they were invited to a wedding just because they were related to one of the people getting married if they aren't even close, weren't named on the S the D cards, and the financial constraints are known.

It's downright rude, IMHO.

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